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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I bring up lack of foreplay without hurting his feelings?

21 replies

NCtotalkaboutsex · 26/03/2015 18:56

Been with bf 3 years! First year had lots of sex and was to turned on straight away (new partner, fancy etc) that the fact we never had foreplay didn't matter and I could come very easily!

Things started to slow down after then as they do and the sex slowed down and I started to find it harder to cum!

I then got pregnant and we didn't have sex for the whole pregnancy (his choice) and since baby has been born 7 months ago we have only had two failed attempts and he couldn't maintain a erection.

We have had quite a few relationship issues and despite this we still love/fancy each other and want to get back in track!

So I want to bring up the sex issues as in his lack of interest and if I do try it on with him in bed all I get is a "oh I'm tried but I will try" and just sticks it straight in!

Sex is very important to me and I enjoy it, I want kissing, touching, oral etc.

How do I say these things to him without making him feel bad or causing more issues with the erectile disfunction etc?

Frankly we are over the honeymoon period now and I need warming up a little

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 26/03/2015 19:56

"oh I'm tried but I will try"
Wow, I bet that has you just gushing, eh?

I think you need to talk about this - outside bed. Since he didn't want sex for the whole pregnancy I'm wondering if he has this thing where he's put you in the "mum" box in his mind and he needs to try to re-locate you in the "wife" box instead, iyswim?

Original poster

NCtotalkaboutsex · 26/03/2015 20:05

Gushing haha

Yes I'm going to bring it up over the weekend! And I want to make sure it comes out right and not as a moan or Criticism, but basically I want more effort, I want and need some foreplay, I mean it's getting on 2 years now since he last made me cum but I need to make sure it come out right as I don't want to make things worse

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 26/03/2015 20:20

It's always going to be a tricky conversation, but maybe you could approach it from an angle of "having sex with you and having an orgasm from what you're doing makes me feel so much more connected to you"?

And try to talk about "what we do", "When we do this", "when we just go straight to penetration with no foreplay" instead of saying "What YOU do", etc.

Any chance you could take baby to either set of GPs for a sleepover, give you some space and time?

Fingeronthebutton · 26/03/2015 20:26

Was your H present at the birth? If that's a yes, get him to talk about how he felt about it. He wouldn't be the first man to go off sex after being at a birth.

magoria · 26/03/2015 20:32

He started being lazy in bed after the first year/honeymoon period.

He has to be bloody obtuse not to know that he is not satisfying you.

He just rolls over and sticks it in like you are a hole to be used.

He doesn't seem to care that he is making you feel bad over this.

I don't know how you approach it apart from not letting him just stick it in but moving him to do other things kissing etc until you are ready.

Original poster

NCtotalkaboutsex · 26/03/2015 20:33

To be fair sex was dwindling a little before I got pregnant, he did attempt sex prob 3 times when I was pregnant and he couldn't stay hard so it only lasted couple of minutes!

Yes he was at birth which I will discuss with him but it's more how do I bring up my need for foreplay/oral etc rather than how he seems to always want it and just diving straight in with nothing

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MiniTheMinx · 26/03/2015 20:47

Do people not speak when they are having sex Can't you just say "I would really like it if you did xyz"

Norest · 26/03/2015 20:50

How about discussing how you have realised your body and sexual needs have changed over the years, and now you would like to concentrate on different types of touch and being intimate. it's not really a lie because like you said the first few months all you needed was to look at him. Now what with added pressures, stress, body and life changes...your needs have changed.

Take the pressure off off both of you to 'perform' and even take PIV off the menu altogether for a bit?

What sort of thing does he want in the bedroom and with intimacy? I think it is important to discuss his wants and desires too.

patterkiller · 26/03/2015 20:57

mini it's difficult to talk during sex once the elephant is in the room. I will chat away happily now, but we went through a very difficult time post birth and it's really not as easy as it seems. Sometimes outside the bedroom is the best place as it feels less like criticism which is not the way to approach it.

MiniTheMinx · 26/03/2015 21:06

mmm, maybe. I think its easier to to talk dirty or take some control rather than discuss over dinner! Many men dread hearing "we need to talk" and feel under a lot of pressure as soon as the words are uttered. I think this can create more stress. I have never had sex with an elephant in the room ;)

Original poster

NCtotalkaboutsex · 27/03/2015 17:44

Minitheminx I hear what your saying which is why I want to be careful hoe I go about it and why I was seeking advice here.

Sex is very important to me and the thought of going through the next good knows how many years unsatsified sexually feels me with dread!

We are both still hugely attracted to each other but a little of the live has been lost and I'm keen to get the intimacy back.

I just got to hope that he listens to what I an saying and agrees to work with me and putting it right because if not then frankly I don't know what I would do, like I say he hasn't made me cum for over 18 months and I'm getting pretty desperate now

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Lovingfreedom · 27/03/2015 17:50

I think you'd need to have been brought up in a cave not to understand that women like a bit of foreplay. He's got no interest in your pleasure has he?

LaurieFairyCake · 27/03/2015 17:53

So pushing his head down and telling him to get on with it doesn't work?

Isetan · 27/03/2015 18:43

So he never did foreplay before, has ED and now avoids sex when he can. Hmm, your/ his sexual problems extend way beyond lack of foreplay. Has he even seen a GP about his ED? If he's avoiding sex, it's unlikely a chat about foreplay is going to galvanise him into doing something he's never done before.

By all means talk to him but be prepared for more 'promises'. He needs to speak to his GP.

Original poster

NCtotalkaboutsex · 27/03/2015 21:36

No foreplay has never really happened before.., yes the odd 30 second luck here or there but that's about it! Like I say to start with when your both in the early stages of a relationship and horny all the time then it wasn't a huge issue!

I'm honestly not sure if he has issues with it all, is just selfish or what!

We have spoken about the ED a little before and he has said that if it continues he will seek help!

But I'm hoping if we can just slowly get the intimacy and closeness back then we can fix that ourselves as I say it only happened a few times when we tried when I was pregnant and after the baby

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Witchofthenorth · 28/03/2015 11:31

I think the ED needs to be dealt with now. It can't be a case of "if it carries on I will see about it"

My partner has ED, purely in his head as he can easily maintain an erection when he is masturbating, gets turned on easily during foreplay etc...but will lose his erection when he stars thinking that there HAS to he penetrative sex.

But, because of this, he will make sure that we have plenty of foreplay and would stay down there for as long as I wanted him to all night

The conversation needs to happen outside of the bedroom and very blasé, no pressures.

Just a conversation on how you would both like sex, perhaps more foreplay may help with his ED? The pressure for penetrative sex needs to be taken away, talk to him about how good it would be to be able to just explore each other's bodies without the need for it to be PIV.

heyday · 28/03/2015 11:52

My partner also has ED problems and these are magnified if we also have any additional difficulties in our relationship. He often feels very pressured to 'perform' and to get me there which actually makes matters worse.
Like you, I want and need sex, and at times it has been really frustrating when he has not been able to rise to the occasion.
Recently I did something outrageous (well for me anyway) and bought a small vibrator off of an Internet site. It seemed to work like magic. Not only were the orgasms explosive, my partner now knows that all the pressure is off of him as he knows that I can get my fulfilment from my little battery powered toy, so he can now relax knowing that if he can't get an erection it's not going to be such a huge deal. Since purchasing it, he has gained so much more confidence again and we rarely even need to bother with the toy as things are great without it. You can also take complete control over your own orgasms too if you wish....and all for £10, it's amazing.
You need to bring this subject up very sensitively as most men have huge hang ups about their 'performance' in the bedroom. Try and boost his confidence as well, not just telling him that you need a bit more action in the bedroom. Perhaps you need to be a bit specific about what you want.
Go gently. Kiss, cuddle and take sex off the agenda for a while.
Give it a bit longer, but if nothing changes in next few months he may well need to have a little chat with the doctor.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/03/2015 12:03

I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. He's been happily ignoring your sexual needs for a long time.

BoobooChild · 28/03/2015 12:19

My dp used to go very quickly through foreplay in a 'going through the motions' type way but I think for him it was a lack of confidence not laziness or selfishness. Maybe the same for your dp? I found saying to him 'can you touch me there?' And 'that feels really good' and that sort of thing really helped and now I think he feels a lot more confident doing it.

I don't have any experience of ED but do you think he might be saying he's tired because he's worried about the ED and has that as a sort of excuse? If you say you'd like to do more foreplay rather than have full sex maybe that will take the pressure off him and help with the ED?

Original poster

NCtotalkaboutsex · 28/03/2015 12:28

Yes you could well be right maybe the reason he uses the tired and I will just stick it in quickly and have a go is because he knows he is having issues with ED. Thinking about it there was a lot of stopping through sex "busting for a pee apparently" so that was prob a cover up!

I'm perfectly happy to take PIV off the menu for a while Nd just concentrate on getting close other ways.

Like I say we really need to get the intimacy and affection back as that's one of the biggest issues in our relationship, planning on having a chat about it tomorrow as we just have a chilled day planned

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Isetan · 28/03/2015 12:39

We have spoken about the ED a little before and he has said that if it continues he will seek help!

How do you plan to monitor his ED if you're not having sex. His 'if this continues' is another blatant avoidance tactic, up there eith 'I'm tired'. Whatever his issues are they aren't going to suddenly disappear.

The time to deal with this was yesterday, not sometime in the distant future. Do something now, before resentment and sexual frustration damage your relationship irrevocably.

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