Panic attacks when DH initiates sex

[stressedduringsex]

I have name changed for this, but am a regular poster.

My DH and I are working through relationship problems after he had a short lived affair almost a year ago. Straight after the disclosure and for a few months after we had great sex, no doubt due to hysterical bonding.

However, now I find myself having a panic attack whenever he tries to initiate sex with me. I think it's due to me comparing myself to the OW.

We are working through our problems and have attended relationship counselling. He is truly sorry and is putting no pressure on me to have sex, but I would like to have sex with him again, there's just this block whenever he starts to kiss me.

He reassures me that I'm sexy and that he loves me, but I just don't feel sexy anymore.

Any tips on how I can start to get over this anxiety?

Have you been to the Dr?
Had counselling on your own?

That sounds like the next sensible step. I imagine how you feel is completely normal

I think maybe it is highlighting how you actually feel, the affair, and the damaged caused is obviously still very much an issue

I don't think you can force the issue

have you spoken to your counsellor about it?

Unfortunately we could only afford 10 sessions with the relationship counsellor and when we had the sessions I was still able to relax into sex.

I am on anti-depressants and have been since before Christmas. I tried to get counselling through the NHS but I don't qualify and we can't afford any more private counselling.

I am just worried that the longer I leave it the harder it will be to ever get back into comfortable sex.

Why don't you qualify for counselling through the NHS?

Perhaps you should change your story/symptoms a bit so you do qualify? Naughty I know, but it's worth a try.

How supportive is your H? Is there anything you can think of that he can do to make you feel more relaxed and at ease with the situation? Have you forgiven him? Are you still angry?

So many questions but you need answers and you need to find a way of getting back on track.

I know what you've been through (and what you are going through now) is a complete nightmare, but if you and your husband love each other there is a solution for you somewhere. Have faith. Don't give up! X

You should qualify for cbt? It will help you deal with the anxiety
I'm not sure it will change the way you feel about sex though
I think it's normal how you feel really. But you need help with the anxiety?

I have tried CBT, I can't really get into it though, especially mindfulness.

I have suffered with anxiety for about 20 years, the doctor tried me on beta blockers before my AD's but they didn't really do anything.

Yes, I am still slightly angry with him, and no, I have not forgiven him, and I don't think I ever will - fully. But I still want to be with him. He has been supportive and I really couldn't ask for a better response from him (obviously I'd rather he hadn't had the affair!) I don't know what would make me relax more. Getting massively drunk isn't really an answer I suppose?!

Lovely your mind might seem to have forgiven him, but maybe your body hasn't.

1. It could be your anti d's
2. Yes your doing a comparison
3. 20 yrs of anxiety? There's possibly some far back issues that are either not recognise or are similar and link up to your dh affair.
4. Your taking an awful lot on board as your fault, the we have worked through stuff? What was yours to accept in his having an affair?
5. CBT I don't think is going to cut through the issues lovely, I think you need to go deeper and deal with the greater underlying issues.

Trust is such a massive part of sex. You have to expose yourself and make yourself vulnerable, so it is understandable that you are finding it difficult to do that now. And the hysterical bonding immediately after the reveal may be adding to your feelings of anger, humiliation etc. Counselling for yourself would be the best thing, not to "fix" you but to help you work through all these feelings and decide whether you can actually get over them and trust him again. If that isn't possible, I think you need to do some reading and research and thinking around these issues. Books and websites are recommended on this forum frequently. And I think you need to stop attempting to have sex until you have processed this some more. Every time you try and have a panic attack is ramping up the anxiety and exacerbating the problem. Stop trying for a bit.

I don't think getting drunk would be that bad of an idea, if it was a one off to kick start things, as it were.

Obviously it would be a bad idea if you were going to constantly use it as a crutch, but to get over that initial hump, it might work, and if it doesn't, then you have another thing to go back to the GP with.

Honestly, it's not surprising that you are reacting the way you are after everything you have been through. You don't feel safe any more - I am not talking about physical safety, but emotional safety.
I don't think you will be able to sort this out by yourself - such a strong subconscious response indicates that there are serious issues here that need sorting out.
Go to your GP - they can prescribe CBT on the NHS.
So sorry you are going through this.

I think that trust is the massive part of it, to enjoy sex you do need to give yourself up fully and I can't bring myself to be that vulnerable around him.

Plus I don't kiss him back when he kisses me, I think I've built such a big emotional wall to protect myself that I can't break it down.

Guilty he has taken full responsibility for the affair, I meant that we are working though the pain that he caused. I think another problem is that he said he felt disgusted with himself for having the affair which in my (admittedly mixed up!) mind translated a bit to him being disgusted with all sex.

I think you need some counselling on your own really. Could you afford any on commission rates? I know it's expensive but it is worth it.

Why does he keep initiating sex if it is giving you panic attacks?

Why did he have the affair? What was happening before between the two of you?

Milllli, everything was fine before the affair, and I'm not just saying that, it was, DH was stressed at work but never told me about it, just decided to deal with it his own, selfish, way.

Bath, I think he wants to let me know that he finds me sexy, he stops as soon as I tell him I can't. He recognises my panic attacks as I've had them all the time I've known him.

Owl someone pm'd me an idea about the counselling, so it may be possible, I can definitely see it would be worth it, our relationship counselling really opened up my eyes to how helpful therapy can be. (I was a bit sceptical before)

Alcohol makes panic attacks much more likely to happen so I would avoid that.

How about if you start sexual intimacy, how do you feel then? Have you tried building up slowly, say for the next month only snogging.

Why does he want to let you know he finds you sexy when he knows it distresses you?

Once, OK. Twice, maybe. But it sounds like this keeps happening. Why doesn't he just leave you the fuck alone?

He broke you by acting like a complete shit. He doesn't get to enjoy himself "fixing" you while you have panic attacks.

Also - how is fucking someone else a relief for "work stress"?

Maybe you don't trust him because his supposed reason for looking elsewhere is blatant bullshit?

It seems to me that you aren't past this affair - why are you still with him?

Because I love him, I believe he is truly sorry, and we had 10 good years before this happened.

Yes he did break me, he knows this and he accepts the consequences. I'm trying to get over this sex thing for me, not him. I used to enjoy sex and want to again. I think I'd have this problem with sex with anyone now, not just him.

There is nothing wrong with being with him and working through it if that is what you want. He is remorseful and takes the blame for his affair. It will take longer to get through this than you thought. Its normal to have panic feelings when you are about to have sex. All those thoughts and emotions that you have inside are over sexual infidelity so not surprising that it is that moment when you go to pieces. Im sure there are some good books out there about this. You will get there, just keep talking to him.

we had 10 good years before this happened.

It didn't "happen".

He chose it.

You had ten good years before he decided those ten years were worthless and he was going to throw them away.

Why?

It wasn't "work stress".

he has taken full responsibility for the affair
Is he looking up counselling options for you both?

Or is it you, the injured party, doing all the actual leg work to fix the relationship while he bleats about how sorry he is?

Your anxious fanjo knows the truth and doesn't want his lying cheating cock anywhere near it. Smart fanjo.

Melon I think the OP has already said that they have both had relationship counselling.
OP there is a thread running on marriage recovery after an affair. That may be helpful for you.