Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Boyfriend flirting with girls and then claiming I "control" him

18 replies

Ellipticals · 26/03/2015 17:49

I am 17 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. We got together when he left his girlfriend for me. Back then I told him that I was not happy for him to be messaging/hanging out with other girls which he had done previously and he accepted it.

Earlier this year I had to stay off school for two months due to illness and when I came back he had formed a friendship group full of girls he had previously fancied. I ignored it at first and tried to accept it, but recently it's been getting worse where on a daily basis he is messaging/hanging out/flirting with other girls. I brought it up with him and told him I felt disrespected and that regardless of whether he feels it is flirting or not, it makes me uncomfortable. Often when I complain about things he does he becomes incredibly defensive and turns the table on me, accusing me of controlling him and stripping him from his social life.

I am sick of my boyfriend flirting with other girls in front of me but whenever I try to talk about it it turns into a fight and we just go round in circles. What do I do? Do I give him an ultimatum? Am I over exaggerating and controlling him? If so, how do I feel more secure?

OP posts:

FabULouse · 26/03/2015 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/03/2015 17:55

I'd be giving this young man the boot. There is no real relationship to speak of here, he is not that into you and this has really run its course.

Joysmum · 26/03/2015 17:57

Telling somebody they can't be friends with 50% of the population is controlling. You clearly feel insecure in this relationship and that should have improved after a year together.

Cut loose because this clearly isn't working for either of you.

Original poster

Ellipticals · 26/03/2015 18:00

Joysmum - I am not at all telling him not to be friends with girls, I just don't want him flirting with them but he struggles to see the difference. Is there really no way of explaining this to him in a way which would make him understand?

OP posts:

Stearinlys · 26/03/2015 18:02

Always focus on how you feel when you're with somebody.

Does he make you feel that you're more interesting and more attractive and more special than anybody else?

There's a difference between being friendly to other girls and 'flirting' and I believe that I could tell the difference even when I was 17 a long time ago!

It's not worth being with a boyfriend who makes you feel like he's doing you a favour. If it isn't crystal clear to him and to you and to mutual acquaintances in your circle that you're the one he loves, then you are going to feel you are trying to win his approval even when you're going out with him.

He's not The Prize.

You're the prize. Well in your own life, you are the prize. The winner has to deserve you. Not be looking over your shoulder at other prizes that he makes you feel are prettier, wittier, cooler etc..

If that's how you feel when you're with him then you don't need anybody's approval or blessing to end it.

You can end it because it doesn't feel right.

MorrisZapp · 26/03/2015 18:05

Bin him. He won't change.

Stearinlys · 26/03/2015 18:05

The way to make a man understand something is usually to remove yourself from their life.

You want a magic solution :-/ where you can change this guy from a guy who refuses to see the difference between flirting in to a guy who respects you and won't overstep that line.

I don't know if it's possible to change a boy like that. At the moment it's working well for him. He has a girlfriend and he still gets to boost his ego flirting with other girls. The only 'down side' for him is he has to put up with a bit of nagging from you (how he might see it). It's not enough to stop him.

I would tell him it's over because you don't feel valued or respected. You've told him a few times to stop flirting and he hasn't listened to you. Believe me, he understands.

magoria · 26/03/2015 18:05

He left his girlfriend for you. Of course you are insecure about your relationship as you know he may happily leave you for the next.

To be honest at 16/17 that is probably what will happen. Especially as he is already laying the groundwork for the next one.

You cannot change him. All you can do is change yourself and what you put up with.

Don't give him an ultimatum.

Tell him the relationship is over as is it a crap one.

Ensure that you lay the groundwork in yourself NOW about how little arguments and disrespect you will accept.

FenellaFellorick · 26/03/2015 18:06

You're only 17. This is not supposed to be a time in your life when you are tied down to some bloke that you aren't happy with.

Do you think that the circumstances under which you got together are making you anxious? After all, if he was with someone else when he got together with you, what's to stop him getting together with someone else while he's with you? You already know he will leave his girlfriend for someone else - that's bound to make you wonder if flirting will lead to something else and if he'll do to you with someone else what he did to her with you.

It's understandable, of course. But the bottom line is you cannot control who he speaks to or what he does. You can't monitor him and you cannot stop him from flirting if he chooses to do so.

He knows how you feel. He does not want to modify his behaviour.

That leaves you with a choice.

Accept it or not.

Personally, I'd say not. Life is too short. Take it from a 41 yr old who's made many, many mistakes!

Box5883284322679964228 · 26/03/2015 18:07

Boys and girls, men and women can be friends. It's normal. It's also sadly common for people in relationships to be irrationally jealous/insecure. Some people are just flirty by nature. There is a line between friendship and inappropriate flirting though, only you can decide if he's overstepped the mark. It might be that he does fancy them? Doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be with them though. At the end if the day you're only 17 and should be enjoying life, boyfriends should only add to this enjoyment.

Box5883284322679964228 · 26/03/2015 18:09

In your shoes id enjoy my friends and not expect to change him. Seeming desperate will push him away I'm sure. If he truly loves you he will stay with you and be faithful.

Original poster

Ellipticals · 26/03/2015 18:18

Yes, my insecurities are definitely intensified by the fact he has twice left past girlfriends for other girls. It might sound silly but we do get on so well and it wasn't a problem until I left school and then came back. It seems such a shame for it to go to waste now but I do understand that men like that more or less don't change. I'd think about having a 'break' and show him I mean business but I feel like he knows I'm a bit of a sucker for him and knows I will come back to him. Our relationship was solid and I wish he could understand how disrespectful it is because he is a nice boy and he doesn't have bad intentions. Thank you for all the points you've made, I'll definitely taken them into consideration as they are all valid, just feels a bit crappy after this long

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 26/03/2015 18:28

I don't think he sounds very trustworthy tbh. And staying with him will only make you more insecure. Until he does actually leave you for someone else. Best you get rid now really and find someone who makes you feel more worthwhile?

skylerwhite1 · 26/03/2015 18:50

I'd bin him TBH. Im sorry but this guy has form "my insecurities are definitely intensified by the fact he has twice left past girlfriends for other girls"
You are 17 FFS, get out there and enjoy yourself, not beat yourself up about this waste of space - sorry

pocketsaviour · 26/03/2015 19:59

You're 17 - relationships at that age are usually short(ish) because you're both still becoming adults, you're changing your attitudes, opinions, tastes, goals, dreams, hopes, everything!

This is the time for you to be working out what you want and going out there and getting it. Not hanging around waiting for Mr Sixth Form Romeo to finish snapchatting a rando. Get rid!

BackforGood · 26/03/2015 20:13

This:

Obviously I'm not there, but from what you've described you sound insecure and trying to control who he hangs around with / has a laugh with. He sounds naturally gregarious / outgoing and it makes you jealous. You just don't sound well suited - but that's what life is about at 17 - meeting lots of people and having short term relationships and moving on from them, not setting out to try to change someone's nature because they happened to ask you out.

Inexperiencedchick · 26/03/2015 20:52

Please leave him. it's not the great situation between you together...

Trust me I've had it as well. But I was charging myself more and more instead of concentrating on myself. And I looked like a desperate one.
And he walked all over me and I did put up with everything...
Why? just because I felt at home with him.

And he told me the same... It's not cheating to chat with other girls...
But what about the person you are with? Did he care enough not to make her feel insecure and doubtful? No!

At your age you can find someone who will treat you as a priority!

Ask yourself if you do the same and make a circle full of guys how will he feel?

Inexperiencedchick · 26/03/2015 20:56

I'm also agree with "BackforGood"

Flip