least said soonest mended?

[NoMoreUpset]

I could really do with some opinions please on if I am being unreasonable here.
I really need to keep the details of this argument out of the picture I'm afraid, sorry. Also felt the need to NC sorry.

Two relatives had a discussion that lead to an argument about some things that that happened to me and another family member. Those being discussed were not present during the argument, had not instigated the discussion and would not have approved of them discussing the issue between themselves and they both would have known this at the time. Neither of them had witnessed the original things that had happened, each only having second hand info from various places.

The repercussions of their argument for me and the other family member who was being discussed were hugely damaging and long lasting but after many years it was partly blown over though not forgotten and a strained but workable wider family was rumbling along ok (mostly).

In order to achieve this 'truce' I had said immediately after the fallout that I would not discuss it again with either of the parties - I felt this was the only way to 'put it to bed'. I want(ed) to protect me and the other family member that suffered the fallout.

One of the two that had the argument feels aggrieved that I will not discuss it, they want to put their side of the argument to me (maybe other details about the argument). They have raised it with me about four times over the years and I have said that it is better left alone and I will not discuss it. They are getting really heated about this and now putting pressure on an intermediate family member to get me to discuss. I think they feel negatively affected by both the initial argument and about my desire not to engage - but I simply can't risk this. They are actually really really angry with me about it. I think they really need to move on from it, it's the only way.

I feel that there is too much at stake and the risk of further repercussions too great if old wounds are reopened.

Is there a case for least said soonest mended or not?

Yes you have every right not to discuss or debate and issue. They should respect this. They just want to control the message, the outcome, the perception. Do not give them this power. Stand strong.

Of course you don't have to comment on anything you don't want to or be drawn in to something other people are arguing about whether it concerns you or not.

I appreciate your help. If the person who wants to discuss insists they are hurt by this does that change it? They are ramping up the pressure.
(I can't accept there is anyone more hurt than myself and the other person who were initially the subject of the original argument.)

Well I think that this other person wants to justify their behaviour to you. Can it ever be justified? Could there have been such a strong reason for them discussing it that you are unaware of?

Of course you need not discuss it but if you care about them a lot and want them to have a bit of closure then maybe it's a sensible idea.

(I can't accept there is anyone more hurt than myself and the other person who were initially the subject of the original argument.)

That's the crux of it. If you don't want to discuss it, you're under no obligation to do so.

This kind of reminds me of a piece I read recently where someone's abusive ex had gone to AA and was working through the steps, one of which was "make amends to people I have hurt in the past". One of the corollaries to that step is "unless it would hurt them to contact them." Anyway this arsehole ex started messaging her and saying "Oh I'm so sorry." and she said "Okay but don't contact me again" and then he kept messaging her, first pleading, then begging, then demanding that she "forgive" him. DUDE. FUCK OFF.

You don't owe anyone who's hurt you a hearing, or a discussion, or forgiveness or anything. Keep strong and keep saying no.

The person is so so angry with me for not discussing it they are putting pressure on the intermediate family member to put pressure on me.

The general relationship between me and them is sadly quite poor these days.

I have previously said to them that I accept their intentions were probably good intentions on their part in the argument but beyond that they would probably like to justify further/blame the other party but I don't have the strength to go there again. Or to keep saying no.

It can only get worse what ever I do, that's the problem.

Thanks for your support.

I need it put away it's not a case of wanting, it is needing.

How can I get this person to respect my wishes without discussing it?

rinse and repeat, ignore, detach,
rinse and repeat, ignore, detach,
rinse and repeat, ignore, detach,
rinse and repeat, ignore, detach,

The sound obsessive and bullying -- do not give them one nugget as that will be an in.

Good luck. Keep strong. Don't discuss it with anyone -- it will get back to them.

I bet even if you do talk to them they won't let it rest. This person doesn't respect you and you may be better off out of their life.

I would tell them straight not to ever contact you about anything ever again, and keep a diary of any further contact with a view to getting a restraining order. Extreme? Possibly, but this person fuckwit by the sounds of it has no problems riding roughshod over your boundaries.

I would be highly annoyed and wonder what the person thought they stand to gain. Why are they prioritising their sense of closure over yours? They don't have to drag you into reliving this. I can only guess at how upsetting this is but hope you will not yield to pressure. It makes it harder if they are enlisting other people. But then you still have the right to keep out of it and not rehash it.

So they argued about something involving you without your knowledge or permission, and now they're cross because you don't want to discuss it? They're barking mad. It's not about their need for closure or understanding or forgiveness or whatever it is they're looking to achieve, it's about your needs. Stick to your guns.