In tears, please help - grip needed

[NotAlwaysJustToday]

I've been broken up with my ex for the past 3 years. NC with him for the past 1.5. I keep having moments of pure rage and anger about how he treated me. I keep having rage at why I let myself be treated that way.

I hate him with every fibre of my being but it seems as if I'm not really over him. After all this time and all my attempts to get busy with a new life why do I feel like this? It's like I'll never move on, it's like I'll never stop thinking about it.

He was EA and played with me horrendously. It has ruined my self-esteem and made me reluctant to pursue another relationship since. It's sent me into a downwards spiral.

I'm crying while I write this as I just can't get ahold of myself. Am I honestly going to spend the rest of my life having these moments? Time hasn't proved to be a great healer. So what else is there?

Bad relationships often seem to be the hardest to get over. When someone is emotionally abusive and plays games with you, they impose a certain way of being, an identity upon you, you are the mad one, you imagine things, you are the angry one, you forget who you really are, and often become who they say you are. Its not just simply ending a relationship and mourning the loss of someone you loved, but having also to find out who you are.

Three years though seems a very long time. Have you tried counselling? Have you tried to meet someone new? When you say NC, does this also mean that you have absolutely no contact, no checking FB or pictures on line? No talking to other people who are still in contact?

I'm sorry you are feeling so low

I think it's normal to be angry and grieving when you've been badly mistreated by someone and they have never acknowledged the hurt they did.

Would you consider seeing a counsellor or therapist? It sounds like you've been struggling on without much support. Your GP could refer you for some free counselling, although you may be better off looking for someone on BACP - many counsellor offer sliding scale fees if you are on a low wage.

I think a CBT approach might be really useful for you in managing day-to-day with the unwanted thoughts and feelings that you're experiencing. In the interim, when you start to feel angry, can you try to acknowledge that anger, say to yourself "OK, I'm going to allow myself 5 minutes to think angry thoughts about the prick, then I'm going to do something else." Allow those thoughts to come, observe them, and at the end of the time period, refocus on something else (this does take some practise.)

You also said you feel angry at yourself for not walking away sooner. When you feel that self-anger, again can you acknowledge it and say "I'm feeling angry at myself and like I should have known better. I don't need to be angry at me for the way others treated me. that relationship is over and I will use it as a learning experience so that I never fall into this trap again."

Many many women stay in abusive relationships for years, often subjecting their DC to the abuse as well. Some never leave. You are ahead of the game in that sense. You will not feel like this forever.

Hi Minx - I haven't tried counselling (privately I couldn't afford it and on NHS I heard there's an enormous waiting list). But I suppose better to join?

When I say NC, I mean I haven't spoken to him in the past 1.5 years but at the beginning of my NC I did check out his fb and saw him having a blast. Living life without me, without a backwards glance! His OW even seemed to be on the up and up even tho they've since separated. I don't talk to any people who knew him as I knew that would cause me to be in a flood of tears the evening I got home.

Pocket- I'm not entirely sure of the difference between CBT and counselling. I love the quote and will try and practise this. I realise it needs time. I had been reading a little about mindfulness but never stuck with it. But one line in your sentence I don't need to be angry at me for the way others treated me . This is one thing I've questioned myself about. Because people will be who they are, but why did I put up with it, why didn't I walk away at the first red sign? - Which now seems glaringly obvious! I can't even understand how someone I loved would even consider treating me like that. I cannot get my head around that. The anger I feel towards myself is unbearable. I had many opportunities to walk away. But no, I thought he'd change, I thought I'd change, I thought he'd eventually love me again like when we first got together.

What happened to end your relationship OP? Was it that he went off with OW without a backward glance? Was it him who went no contact? I think some of these things matter because it's not that he has left you whats upsetting you but rather what happened while you were together.

Was there some particularly bad incident that sticks in your mind?

Hi Quite- The relationship was always quite volatile but at the time I thought this to be passionate love. He was with me for a while then broke up with me, then got back together with me but in the meantime had found himself an OW, then continued to see the two of us at the time but eventually went off into the sunset with her. It was me who eventually went NC, but he'd have been happy to keep me limbo or second guessing myself to suite him.

You're right, it's not the exact break-up itself that eats away at me but the events that happened during our relationship which make me wonder why I had such little self respect that I did not just walk away. So many of my friends would have gone at the first sign of a red flag, so why did I just hang in there. There isn't one particularly bad incident but just many (sporadically) that have since added up to make me think wtf! Everyone else in the world would have walked!

It's not your fault he treated you so badly. I think you prob have to forgive yourself (not that you did anything wrong!). You couldn't have changed his behaviour. Perhaps now you are older and wiser you have more self esteem and wouldn't tolerate it again.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme - you can even do it online. It is fab.

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

And all awful men are nice sometimes - otherwise you wouldn't stay. Google the 'cycle of abuse'.

why did I put up with it, why didn't I walk away at the first red sign? - Which now seems glaringly obvious!

Because abusers don't start off being abusive. Nobody would put up with that. They draw you in by being nice, then slowly ramp up the abuse. They intersperse it with periods of being nice again, to keep you sucked in. That's why you stayed - because you wanted to believe that he would change and turn back into that nice person you fell in love with. Unfortunately that person didn't exist :(

It might benefit you to pick up a book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does he do that". It's available as an ebook I think. It explains all this and much more about the cycle of abuse that keeps you sucked in. Very eye-opening.

Regarding CBT, it tends to be focussed on a specific problem (such as intrusive thoughts of anger or fear) and work on overcoming those. Counselling is usually based more around talking out your issues and especially on drawing parallels to other things in your life which may have made you more vulnerable to the abuse (such as if your parents didn't provide a good "template" for relationships, if you were bullied at school, etc.)

Chewing the fat with a councillor would be ideal. There is nothing like 'The talking cure' but failing that, it may help to go into a bit more detail here OP. Don't divulge more than you want to but spilling the ins and outs may actually help a fair bit. I know I won't be the only one to say this but please realise that 90% of the images projected on FB are bollocks.
I was you a decade ago. It took me years to feel better about the relationship and still am very about a lot that went on. Maybe you have to put it down to the fact that you are a nice person and when in the relationship, did not want to accept that people like him exist. I had a nice upbringing and some of the stuff my ex did to me strained my credibility to breaking point but now I am older and wiser and have met many many more people, I have analysed him, labelled him, realised there are some total assholes in the world and moved on knowing he was a bullet dodged. I did talk about him to anyone that would listen though and a fair few that wouldn't.

I can identify with this OP. 3 years on from my break up with XP he was still entering my head a 100 timesa day. What helped were a couple of things: I got really busy with work/activities/exercise and every time he entered my head I'd say to myself 'this too will pass' - sounds a bit wooo, but what i found was that I started to really bore myself by not allowing my thoughts to go off into the past/what he said etc - just said the phrase to myself. Eventually I was so bored with saying it that the thoughts just seemed to dry up. It worked for me.