NC crisis - advice needed

[anothergenericname]

DH went NC with his mother after the birth of our first child 4 years ago. Once he became a father he realised how toxic her behaviour had always been and how he didn't want to be responsible for subjecting his child to that.

Since then she has attempted to get in touch several times using his siblings and various underhand methods. We've just had another baby - a girl - which was always going to be a trigger since she is very possessive over babies and grandchildren in particular. We've just received a box with packages in which we assume is from her. We're a bit unsure what to do. Is it more inflammatory to keep it (well. Bin it) but say nothing or to return to sender.

What we most want to avoid is reopening the channels of communication as only continued and steady ignoring and NC has worked.

I think donate the toys and continue to ignore, if you are 100% sure, which you seem to be.

Complete radio silence.
Return to sender is a response and that will encourage her.
Imho, she sent them to satisfy her own needs and that had nothing to do with you, your dh, or your dc.
You have no obligation to acknowledge them.
The level of inflammation is irrelevant because you are not a part of that conversation, not even with extended family members/members of family of origin. They are known as Flying Monkeys and should be summarily dismissed because they are participating in a dynamic that denies you/dh your truth.
Congratulations on your new baby.
Congratulations, World Class Gold Medal, Ticker-tape parade with marching bands for your dh in going NC and maintaining it.

My mother dropped off a bin bag of toys for dd1 at Xmas years ago after me going NC at my paternal DGM. 15 years now NC)I stupidly phoned her to say thanks on the advice off my dgm. She was still a dick. Nothing ever changes. Ever. She sent it for her not your new baby or to build bridges.

Ignore and donate.

Congrats on your new baby!!

That's one where I'd disagree, I think. My instinctive feeling is that if you don't refuse the package and have it returned by the PO it might actually stimulate a further round of 'Maybe they've accepted it and are 'coming round' etc. I don't think that having something sent back to the sender with no message and unopened is engaging with them. It's the very opposite of acknowledging them in my experience.

As I said though, that's an instinctive view.

Re a comment made by cozietoesie;_

"I don't think that having something sent back to the sender with no message and unopened is engaging with them"

Well indeed but you likely come from an emotionally healthy family yourself. Emotionally unhealthy and dysfunctional families do not and infact never abide by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. Infact the rule book goes out the window. ANY response to the sender is seen as a "reward" thus enabling them to bother the recipients even more.

Radio silence from you must be maintained anothergenericname. Do not acknowledge the package at all. Donate the contents to a charity shop.

This is what is known as "hoovering" behaviour; its not done out of any concern for any of you. Its designed to suck you back into their dysfunctional world.

Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behaviour. Beware — hoovering attempts are often disguised as caring, loneliness, hurt, desperation, fear, illness, and other things designed to play on your sympathies and pull you back. Abusers know that pulling on heartstrings works very well. (In the case of BPD, it may be simply out-of-control emotions and fear of abandonment more than an attempt to control you per se; however you will likely still feel that you are not being allowed to end a relationship you no longer want).

If your wish to end a relationship is not being honoured, whatever a toxic person thinks will work best on you will be what they try, so when one angle doesn’t work, they will try another, and another, ramping up their efforts until it seems they might never stop. Typically, hoovering DOES stop if the person being hoovered does not fall for the hooverer’s tricks.

The sooner the person being hoovered completely ignores everything and does not respond to anything at all in any way, the sooner the toxic person finally understands that they do not have the control. Some toxic people may still make the occasional attempt on holidays, anniversaries of events, etc. Don’t bite the bait. Simply ignore any attempts.

If you have already made it clear that you do not want a relationship (or if it’s obvious) then DON’T ever contact the person doing the hoovering to tell them to stop again, or how angry you are. That is a reward. They will be thrilled to receive your attention and pleased to know that their efforts have paid off by snagging you, so they’ll be contacting you even more!

More Here: lightshouse.org/lights-blog/when-toxic-people-start-hoovering#ixzz3VUlUP5Ky

Not at all - my family is not one that I would call wholly emotionally healthy and functional, Attila.

You said 'ANY response to the sender is seen as a "reward" thus enabling them to bother the recipients even more.' and I think that that's what I was meaning. (I'm sorry if I didn't express myself more fully.) Leaving the matter so that a sender can infer a response is not satisfactory and simply allowing the person to believe (erroneously) that the attempt might have been successful is more likely to be viewed as an implied response than no response at all and could lead to further thoughts of you and attempts at contact.

I've found that to be the case anyway.

Imho, cozie, it is a fine line.
Sending something back is a response, it is participating in a transaction. It is a response full of information: it proves that they (the recipient) still exist to the toxic one, received the object, and spent time considering what to do. The actual return of the item could be interpreted by the toxic one in any number of ways because they think so differently from normal people. To receive something from you means you sent them something! They can very well dissociate the fact that it is the box they originally sent, iyswim.

Complete radio silence reinforces the disconnect that you (the recipient) no longer exists in the toxic one's life.

Sending a package back is a response and that engagement is what the toxic person wants. Its a reward to them, any response even having the PO send the parcel back is a reward to such disordered of thinking people.

Those are fair points, And. However, I've experienced NC as a more positive experience than a negative one - and one where you become strong enough to say No and then discard the matter in your mind rather than going away and cutting someone out by hoping they don't exist.

I think we'll have to disagree on this one although I do appreciate that my views won't suit every person or situation.

Imho, you have a slight misunderstanding, cozie. It is not hoping someone does not exist...That is still a connection.
The goal is complete indifference. No connection. No contact.

I take that point also. I suppose that my thinking then would be (at the least) 'What would I do if a complete stranger erroneously sent me a package?' 'Would I have it returned to them albeit without comment?' Yes I would. Other people might well bin it or open and use it - so be it.

My experience of NC is that that is a better and clearer tack - once you have the strength and detachment of course. It leaves less wriggle room.

As I said, we'll have to disagree I suspect.