my dad has just totally undermined my resolve -- hand-holding needed. Long, sorry...

[newnamesamegame]

H and I agreed to separate a couple of weeks ago.

Background to this is my growing disillusionment and unhappiness with him on multiple fronts

• refusal/inability to pull his weight financially (he walked out of a job 8-9 months ago with nothing to go to and has basically brought in no money and refused to be full time carer)
• refusal/unwillingness to spend quality time with family -- opting always either to veg in front of television or to go drinking with friends at weekends
• heavy drinking/smoking, despite the fact we have an asthmatic daughter
• infidelity (may or may not have involved physical infidelity) and online flirtations and inappropriate messaging of women
• a tendency towards verbal aggression when challenged. No physical aggression but he's said some pretty horrible things to me

I have been agonising over what to do for over a year and there have been some specific recent triggers over the past 2 or so months (involving verbal abuse and threats) which have convinced me that I can't spend the rest of my life with him and that his behaviour is not good for our daughter.

Anyway, this morning I finally plucked up the courage to tell my dad -- I've been worrying about this for months. He was sympathetic and loving, but basically said "don't do it unless you're really really sure you can't go on because you'll ruin your daughter's life...."

Context is that my dad was married before he met my mum, had two kids, left her for my mum. He maintains a reasonable relationship with his two sons and is a long way from being a deadbeat dad (he supported financially for a long time even though their mum didn't need money, always made time for them and was generally around) but has had issues with one of them and my half brother cites the divorce from his mum (which took place when he was about 10) as the main reason.

I have thought about this a lot and I think in my dad's case it was not so much the fact of the divorce itself as the way he conducted himself after the divorce. He was a good absent dad in most ways but he's a pompous, selfish so and so. And I think a lot of his issues with my half-brother are down to that.

And yet, having such a stark warning from my dad has set me back months and made me feel that I need to knuckle down, work at it, all the things I'm trying to deprogramme myself of.

Am I going to ruin my daughter's life if I do this? Or is it more likely to be ruined if my H remains in the home? I'm cracking up over this....

there is a reason you ended up with a man that doesn't give a fiddlers fart about you, your dc, your feelings...

and you just confided in that reason...

Some parents LIKE to see their kids in shitty marriages, because it makes THEIR situations look better.

the only response that was acceptable was for your dad to be shocked and saddened that you are so unhappy and how he can help you to be happier

Very much agree with Hissy

Your father left his wife for another woman. that may well have something to do with how his sons feel about him.

You are leaving your husband because he is abusive, unpleasant and is making you miserable. The two situations are in no way comparable.

Also your dad's reaction - in essence being unable to see you as an entirely separate human being with a unique set of circumstances but only being able to see you through the prism of his own experience/life-is probably another reason his sons don't get on with him - he is too self-centered.

Thanks all. Its good to hear so many of you say this because I have always had a strong feeling that my dad's guilt over his relationship with his son is misdirected.

He has treated his son badly but not by divorcing his mum per se, although I don't doubt that was difficult for them. He has treated him badly by being selfish, self-centred, high-handed and insensitive with him.

Obviously divorce is traumatic for children, but there are different ways to divorce and it strikes me that its the management of the divorce, as opposed to the fact of the divorce itself, which determines how the children react.

I have also had problems with my dad and his behaviour and he stayed together with my mum, as have both of our other siblings, for various reasons. Because he's incapable of thinking about other people's needs. Not, particularly, because he got divorced.

But, and here's the killer... there's a voice in my head that's been nagging away at me saying "you're just letting yourself off the hook. You're bailing out and hurting your daughter and now you're refusing to take responsibility."

And however much I rationalise this, this voice is getting stronger and stronger.

'Obviously divorce is traumatic for children, but there are different ways to divorce and it strikes me that its the management of the divorce, as opposed to the fact of the divorce itself, which determines how the children react'

Absolutely right OP. Divorce can be a great thing, a wonderful thing. It all depends how its handled.

It's not surprising that you're undermining yourself and questioning your decision. It sounds like you have a very judgemental and selfish parent who has difficulty seeing you as a separate person and projects his own feelings onto you. Same here - I have two of them! Having a parent like that means that you internalise their critical, judgemental, questioning voice and use it against yourself. Try to learn to recognise this voice for what it is. You have loads of strangers on here validating you and telling you that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter by getting away from this man. Hold onto your gut feeling that you need this man out of your lives.

Something else that can help is to think about what you would advise a dear friend who was in your situation. We're often a lot kinder with other people than we are with ourselves.

I think if you stay you are letting yourself off the hook because it's easier. By leaving you are taking responsibility, especially for your daughters future health and happiness and your own. I certainly wouldn't put up with his selfish behaviour. I don't think he has a single redeeming feature from what you have told us.

Lesson here for you is never tell your dad anything again that he can use to undermine you.

You are doing the right thing and as a PP said, the easy thing to do would be to stay, not to go.

Not read the thread, sorry, but if anyone ruins his DDs life is your still H.

Your still H is the one who needs to work at it and knuckle down. He has given up on his family and his responsibilities. NOT YOU!

OP, I think the little voice you keep hearing is the result of the pressure society puts on women in general to "keep the family together", no matter what.

I suggest you stop listening to your Dad, as it sounds like you're doing the right thing.