Resenting DH and worried having DC2 will make it worse (long post!)

[ninebeanrows]

This is my first posting on MN, so please be gentle (and forgive the VERY LONG rambling whinge to follow...)

I have a DH and a wonderful, exhausting, amazing DS who is almost 2. I work four days a week in a full-on job and DH works full-time as a teacher (with longer hours than normal as it's sixth form). I have been feeling resentful towards DH since we had DS, and if anything it's getting worse. I can count on one hand the number of nights he did with DS (a bad sleeper) while I was on mat leave. During his summer holiday while I was on mat leave, he insisted on "having a break" as he was so exhausted from work, and proceeded to have a lie-in every single morning for six weeks, while I carried on with the childcare and stumbled around vaguely throwing laundry in the direction of the washing machine.

Things improved for a few weeks after I went back to work, as he volunteered to be on duty with DS every other night. Then DH came down with man flu so stopped doing nights and never really started again.

I've been struggling at work as there's a lot of pressure on me to meet targets (which I don't) and struggling at home. DH does the dishwasher and most of the cooking for the two of us. I do all the meal planning and cooking for DS and all the admin, finances, laundry, shopping, etc. We've just moved house, and I have done EVERYTHING to do with the move because I'm "better at it" and "have an office job so it's easier for me to do". Those are both true, but doesn't make it any easier. He does two drop-offs at CM, I do one drop-off and all pick ups. I do all bathtimes and bedtimes whether he's home or not. The situation isn't helped by the fact that DS is going through a jealous phase and doesn't want anything to do with DH if I'm around. The one thing DH does do, which helps, is to let me have a lie-in on Sundays. My Sunday lie-in is about two hours shorter than his Saturday lie-in, but still it's something.

I find myself running around the house at 11pm still doing tidying, cleaning, prep for the next day while DH has gone to bed, having had a nice time watching some TV while eating his supper. He will have unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, but that's about it.

Whenever I ask DH to do more, he throws a massive strop as he says I am criticizing him and acting passive aggressive. I know my mum is the queen of passive aggressiveness, so although I really try hard to avoid it he may have a point...Our "discussion" turns into a two-hour row and solves nothing, so I've just stopped asking and it's got to the point now where I'm really watching what I say to him in order to avoid saying anything that might come across as a complaint or a criticism. I just don't have the energy to deal with the ensuing row.

I really, really want to have another child. I have no illusions that having DC2 will make my life harder, but I'm willing to deal with that in order to have another. My big worry is whether I'm being irresponsible having another child when I haven't sorted out this big issue with my relationship with DH. I don't know whether he'll man up a bit more if there's a DC2 and he just has to deal with DS1 at night, or whether I'll just have to juggle more. I know this is a pretty commong scenario, but I'm feeling really down about it and don't really have anyone to talk to, so if you have any (kind) words of wisdom/suggestions/war stories, I'd really appreciate hearing them. Thanks for listening!

I bet I will get shouted down, but I actually don't think you have it too bad. Your day sounds just like mine (although I work 7.30am until midnight most days) and rather than having a fit that he is only cooking, clearing up the dishes and unloading the dishwasher, be grateful that he does that much. Cooking and dishwasher MUST be an hour or say a day, surely?

If you were a single parent, you would be doing all the cooking and dishwashing as well! WHy not consider getting a cleaner in to do the cleaning and ironing for example? If neither of you want to do the housework, then pay someone else to do it.

I would not consider bringing another child into your relationship. You are so resentful already, another child would kill your marriage stone cold - and then you would have two children to bring up on your own. I suggest you get the housework sorted out and then discuss more children.

Honestly - I would kill for your life right now. (probably not what you wanted to hear and I am sure you will get way more support from everyone else - I am just having a down day :( )

My DH did a lot less than yours, literally nothing. He had a professional and I didn't, I had a year of mat leave and DS was EBF so he never did a single night. I worked full time when I went back and he would sometimes let me have an hour in bed on Sunday. He did not change his life at all. I became extremely resentful and have never had another child as I don't think I could cope on my own with two. DS is nearly 4 now and I am a SAHM now. DH has still never put him to bed or ever done any housework BUT he loves DS very much and DS loves him too. It's very sweet. I have had it out with a few times and he changes for a while but no I would not have a second child unless you make some major changes. I have got over my resentment to an extent but will never really forgive him. I have accepted that he is a deeply selfish person and that DS and I are way down his list of priorities BUT he pays for a naice life for us so that's the trade off I guess. Sorry to not be more positive.

Lots of errors in there

I don't mean any of this to sound harsh:
I wouldn't bother having another child.
Your DH will not improve.

I'd give up doing so much cleaning. Why are you cleaning at 11.00pm at night?
Are your standards of cleanliness higher than his?

What time did he get out of bed in the holidays?
I think he may be staying in bed to avoid family life, rather than because he is tired. Surely to god, a youngish healthy man cannot be that tired.
Was he staying up late at night?

I think I would be tempted to hoover the bedroom if he was still in bed after 7.30am.

Wow he sounds very entitled and unfortunately had been enabled slightly by you doing everything for a quiet life
Can you make a date to discuss this issue
It won't get better actually your resentment will build
Does he really know you resent him that's a horrible thing to realise that you are being resented it may make him think
The benchmark really should be equal free time so I suggest tot it up between you then ask him if that's fair
Re cleaner yes get a cleaner but you both pay for it as it is a joint bill
I would also just as an exercise enquire online do some research and work out how you would be better off bring a single parent
At the very least you would be getting two lie ins every other weekend
Good luck

I think your issue is the evening. It kills me if I get no down time in the evening after a full on day of it, or when you have a million little jobs to do like tidying and meal planning. Stop with the passive aggressive and just make it really clear which nights are his nights to do bed time. I would make sure he has more nights than you do so that when he makes an excuse one night, it is still fairly even. When it is not your night, you need to completely butt out. No help, no fetching towels and books, and no criticising the way DH does it. He is on his own. Your son will most likely cry a bit for you if he is going through separation anxiety still. No matter, this is for your sanity and ultimately your marriage. Then use these evenings to recharge (don't clean up in this time, at a push sit on the sofa and do something written). Watch some crap tv. He is looking after himself, you need to look after yourself too. If he gets man flu, make sure you have man flu too so you are in the same boat and he can't take the piss. Tell your husband he can choose which thee week nights and which one weekend night he wants to do bedtime but as of x o clock, DS is going to be all his. If you can't work it together, it's the only way for him to step up. On the days he does bedtime, you do dishwasher, but you don't cook as you have your other jobs like cooking for DS, household management etc. Don't Rush into baby number two, get this under control first. Yes, it is selfish to bring another baby into the world when you are not in control of the first.

Gosh, just because other people have it worse does not mean YABU! Why should you be rushing around cleaning at night while he's eating/relaxing/sleeping?! Especially as you both work. I know it's said a lot on here but the key is equal leisure time. Why should he get more leisure and rest time just because he happened to be born male?! FWIW outside of working hours DH and I share everything else pretty much equally. He maybe gets slightly more leisure time as he has a sporting hobby and I don't.
Please sort this before having another baby. The resentment will only get worse.

There will be many people in a "worse" situation to you but it's all relative. This may suit some people. What's important here is that it's not working for you.

I was going to suggest showing him your OP but perhaps not due to the passive aggressive comments and the way you discuss issues I.e. 2 hour rows without resolving anything.

You need to get the ball rolling with this. You are not his cleaner, maid, childminder etc. I suggest you write down your concerns and even a list of how your home life is split to show him how uneven it is. It may help him to realise.

It's not advisable to have another child whilst you are so unhappy and exhausted.

I second the suggestion to write down everything, say for one week, what you were doing and how long each task took. Observe your dh and write down his activities too, or if he's willing, get him to do his own activity log. Then compare and see what can be adjusted so you have equal free time.

For bedtime, it might take a week or two of only daddy for your child to accept him doing that. We had to do this as DS was going through a clingy phase and I was exhausted from doing every bedtime (mind you DH was not lazing around, he was washing dishes, tidying, making tomorrow's lunches etc.). I was very glad to trade for a while and now we roughly alternate.

Wow, thanks so much for all your responses. It's a relief just to talk about it, even if some of what's been said is not easy to hear.

You're right - I will sit down with him and try to talk it out and get to a healthier place before we start TTC. I think normally I try to control his reactions too much and immediately equivocate/take back things I've said if he starts getting upset. I will try to just say how I feel, without making any accusations or being passive aggressive, and ask him if we can try to work out a solution together that will make things a bit better.

Really good suggestions re trying for equal free time and getting him to do bathtime/bedtime some nights - probably weekends as he works too late during the week.

And hooray - I love any excuse for making a list, even if the reason for making it is not a happy one.

Good luck to all of you out there who are also having a tough time with this.

OP you got some great advice here but I just wanted to add, please mak sure when you talk about things that you talk about the behaviour you want to change and not the personality.

So don't say "you're lazy", say "It seems that your are doing A, B, C and I am doing D, E, F, G, H, J, I and K of the day to day work in this family and it's making it very hard for me to cope. Can you help me by dividing up tasks more evenly?"

(You may of course be aware of all this but as you said your mum was quite PA I wondered if you have unconsciously been repeating the way she would have phrased things.)

Also second the idea of getting someone to help with cleaning and/or ironing. You are both working FT, why not enjoy the time at home instead of spending it with boring chores, as much you can!

What about emailing him the list?

that way he can digest it and think about it before speaking to you so hopefully it doesnt descend into a row. Start the email with "I am writing to you because we (stress the WE) often end up arguing when we talk about this, and I thought this might be more productive" Then say that you are exhausted and have noticed a huge disparity between the amount of down-time you both get.

Give him the list, include the lie ins and when he gets up compared to when you do. Then leave it with him with "As you can see, the split isnt fair and I think we need to address that. What do you think would be the best way for us to make sure we both get the same amount of time?"

His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he admits its unfair and agrees to work with you on it then good, if he rants, tells you you need to organise your time better, stop nagging.......then he has no intention of ever changing and you need to consider if you can spend the rest of your life like, and potentially give up having another much wanted child, in order to placate a selfish lazy manchild.

I think giving him every week night off to do work is unfair. You are getting behind at work but that's the bottom of your list! He will have to squeeze his work into less hours for now. He has small kids,my hats the way most people have to deal with it. Either that or he learns to multitask. Just because he chooses to spend his free time doing work doesn't mean that you don't get down time!

The lack of housework parity is a symptom of the root problem; the 2 of you are not communicating and compromising well enough to be happy in your relationship. That definitely needs sorting out before another baby. Other people are saying they think he does some stuff so you're lucky, but perhaps that's the compromise they've negotiated and they feel ok about it. The fact that you feel resentful is a problem, and if you can't find a way to solve problems by talking openly to each other, I suggest counselling.