Has anyone tried over the top affection and niceness to their dh to improve relationship?

[pandameerkat]

I've felt things have got in a bit of a rut in our relationship recently with both of us just going about our lives and not really considering each other that much. I am sure I read somewhere about being extremely loving towards the other partner to improve things. I started 2 days ago and it does seem to be working and I am starting to feel more loving to dh and we seem to be getting on better. Anyone else done this?

Well, I told him that I felt we needed to do something to improve our marriage and that doing nothing was no longer an option.

It could have gone bettter, in that it ended up being him listing my various failings. Will have to wait and see.

Looking at this, it sounds like it could be a fun (? or at least different) way of breaking a pattern of interactions in the pursuit of a way out of a rut.

So worth a try if everything is sound but you've realised you're in a flat patch. Not good, I suspect, if there are things going badly wrong.

(Idly wonders what DH would do if I surprised him in a frilly pinnie, long Marigolds and maribou mules).

I think it can work if you're in a healthy relationship to begin with and you've just got stuck in a bit of a state of taking one another for granted.

If there is abuse or an abusive dynamic, it wouldn't work.

I read a book last year called The Happiness Project where the author decided to spend a year working on how to be happy, like a project, and the second month was marriage, she decided to complain less and do more, and she found that (without telling her DH she was doing this) in return he automatically complained less, did more and complimented/appreciated more. I found that really interesting. It does make sense, and since then I've tried to adopt an attitude of "If you can reasonably do it, and it would be nice, do it". I don't always keep to it because I'm forgetful but I notice that when I do DH seems to appreciate it and seems happier in general which feeds into him being nicer to me. It's basic psychology really. Works on children too - that's what the whole "love bombing" thing is about.

I am not keen at all on the "surrendered wife" thing, because if there is abuse or an abusive dynamic it could be extremely dangerous. Just being extra nice to your DH isn't particularly harmful in itself, and if it isn't working then you can always just stop putting in so much effort. But adopting the whole surrendered wife gig and feeling as though he is your superior and such really feeds into the whole abusive dynamic. If your relationship is healthy and he has a genuine respect for you, it might not be disastrous, in that he would take the responsibility seriously and carefully consider your needs and feelings before deciding something, and in that case might work fine, as long as he was happy with having all of that responsibility effectively alone. (I don't think it would work for us.) But where there is abuse or an abusive dynamic, and I think this is quite likely to be the case when you are worried that a relationship is not working, and you're not able to just talk about it, it's a really really bad idea. It legitimises and enables the abuse, and somewhat even normalises and glamourises it.

I use the BJ tactic to get my husband on side, he is much happier afterwards and I don't need to shower. On Saturday I got several hours off family duty as a result!

Bertie. I think you have explained it well. It's not about being submissive and step ford wifey, it's more about remembering to be nice.

I was trying to find a blog post I read a while where I think it was Jessa Duggar, or one of the now adult Pearl daughters, who was speaking about the whole surrendered wife thing in the context of the Quiverfull movement and how it worked because the husband took the wife's needs and feelings into account and the blogger very succinctly pointed out that great - if your husband is kind and thoughtful, but if he's not...

I can't find the post now anyway.

I am a bit squicked by the thought of blowjobs being "used" in this manner, but I'm not sure I can articulate why. May be my own baggage, though.

flabbyIt is a bit weird the BJ to get what you want...if I give you a blowjob, can I have a few hours off? If you do the majority of childcare, house stuff shouldn't you automatically get time off on Saturday? Shouldn't duties be split 50/50 or am I in the minority??

i think as long as the changes you make are sustainable, it can work really well.

i'm very much an introvert, and very insular, i also have ASD and very low 'social' energy.. i have a child with ASD and a very energetic dd, the two of them pretty much wipe me out socially during the day. so i find i have little left for DH, and it does tell on the relationship dynamic.

We've tried hard to reconnect lately, and a couple of nights a week, after we put the kids to bed, we'll go into our bedroom and lay on the bed to cuddle and chat (and sometimes it leads to nookie ) and just be in each others company for a couple of hours without computers or tv's or distractions.

It has helped, a lot!