can someone explain a 'healthy' and positive friendship.

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So I think I make a good friend. They get what they want and then bugger off. This has happened recently with a friend who i thought was my best friend. Because I have not been able to help her out due to personal reasons she has stopped contacting me and calling in.
I feel really used. And wondering do 'healthy'' friendships ever exist?

Yes they do exist - it is usually when you both have things in common to talk about/do, are both aware of the boundaries of the other, allow for personal space/views/don't pester, are there for them when they need you, and when you're together conversation or the 'time spent' flows freely.

It is normally the case that you can only count true, TRUE friendships (not family/relatives) on one hand - for instance all of the people I was friends with at school or people I've got on Facebook, only about 4-5 are true friends...

There is something to be said for having a good pal though that you can talk to, confide in and laugh with away from family/work/etc.

Did you go from new friends to good friends quickly? In my experience, that is the sign of a friendship that isn't going to last. Good friends are made over long periods of time. They are the friendships that chug along without lots of effort. Friendships that suddenly blossom and are intense will die out.

totally agree with sonjadog. I would always be wary of people who want to get too friendly, too quickly. Its not sustainable and is often a sign of either insecurity or that they are using you.

I think it is possible to have different levels of true friendship -- I have friends I see once a fortnight and friends I see once a year and the latter are not worth any less to me than the former.

But Iomega sums up pretty well what a good friend should be.

It's when you get as much from the relationship as you put in and both benefit from the froendship. Obviously this can vary over time as needs and giving goes through cycles.

I have two friends of 30 years.

They never bitch at you ever. They tell you the truth about you, if that's needed, in a loving way. They never rag for not ringing, visiting. They never ask for cash and favours unduly. They listen before offering advice. they expect little or nothing in return.

They forget your birthday and you theirs and it's never a issue, they don't ho bride zillley on you, you don't pay for any bridesmaid stuff, not a penny, it's thier honour you will do it.

They support you when you need it and back off when you don't.

They do not criticise you partner or your children, ever.

I had one row with one of my 30 years friends, this is because she got blind drunk and left the front door wide open, she was petulant, but soon saw the error.

That's all.

Mine see the best in me and reflect it back. They are supportive and kind. Most of all we laugh a good deal of the time and can all laugh at ourselves.

I think kindness goes along way for sure.
I think in the past I have not set boundaries. And this has caused a couple of fall outs. Which I then realise the person has moved the friendship too quickly.

What kind of boundaries to people set with friends.

I think I need to learn not to give advice unless asked as I think that sometimes causes problems because my sister has stopped speaking to me now too!! Mistake learnt :/

Oh I haven name changed because I got bored of my last one ;-)

oops sorry for tying errors half asleep today!!

You look forward to seeing them, they make you laugh, like really belly laugh, they have your best interests at heart, they know your faults but love you for them and accept you for who you are wholeheartedly, they can take the piss out of you with no malice at all and you can take it because you are secure in that knowledge. They are happy for you when things go right and sad for you and try to help you when things are shit.

With my best friend I can tell her anything and I know she won't judge me and vice versa. I think with a real best friend you genuinely love them, mine is like a sister to me and definitely a member of my family. If something happened to her I would be absolutely devastated.

You should be able to be (diplomatically) honest and truthful with a really good friend, and they to you.

My best friend tells me that she loves me every day and me her! Might sound a bit OTT but we cherish our friendship as we have got each other through our twenties and thirties, and are now facing our forties together.

Conversely I have just had to distance myself from another 'friend' as I found she was draining me with her unbelievable narcissism, just going for a drink or walking along the street with her was hard work, telling me everyone was looking at her because she was so beautiful, and how she would only ever go out with a man who was 'really rich' because 'that's what I deserve' and 'feel my muscles in my legs I'm so toned from the gym'.... checking herself out in my sunglasses when i was trying to talk to her, the list is endless.....she was totally absorbed with herself and her image and as a friend I think one can only take so much.... But the worst thing about her that I just couldn't deal with anymore was her blatant 'Schadenfreude' (may have spelt that wrong!) as she absolutely foamed at the mouth with excitement if things weren't going right for me

I read this today as part of the Freedom Programme (which is free, and I highly recommend it to anyone who has gone through an abusive relationship - but it applies equally to platonic friends as well.

I have two friends I've known for 25 yeras -we used to work together. I see one of them most weeks, the other perhaps twice a year. When my DF was dying it was them, not my then XP or members of my family, who accompanied me to dreadful meetings with his doctors or to see him when things were at their most hopeless.

They've seen me through th e birth of my DCs, my divorce, various other relationships and traumas. They've listened to me; filled me full of wine; been at the end of aphone no matter what high powered meeting they were in. And I've done similar things for them.We just do these things without hesitation because we realise that, despite all the shit thats happened in our lives, we've been there for each other.

We weren't always like this - the friendship started off very slowly - it was perhaps 10 years before it reached the stage it is now.

What's been really helpful is that our opinions on things are not always the same - so we challenge each other; encourage each other to look at situations differently; point out to each other when we're on a slippery slope.

More recently I've met another woman who I hope in the fulness of time will become a friend too. We have th e same spoting interest so see each other on that level. We seem to share a sense of humour; we're a similar age. We're both taking things slowly because we're at an age where we know that these things can't be rushed.