How can I help my daughter avoid falling for someone like her dad?

[iwashappy]

I'm in the process of divorcing my husband after discovering he was having an affair. It turns out that he's a womaniser and a liar who had cheated on me throughout our 25 year marriage and his first marriage also ended because he cheated on her although I have only been aware of this recently as he lied about that as well. My ex-DH is now effectively living with the OW.

We have two children, a son 22 and daughter 16 and they have refused to meet the OW.

My son seems to be dealing with it okay although he's at University so doesn't live at home a lot of the time. He's lost a lot of respect for his dad and doesn't have a huge amount to do with him.

My daughter was very close to her dad before all of this happened, she thought the world of him. They still see a lot of each other but it is somewhat fraught and they are not as close as they were. They are both quite hot headed and very similar personality wise and there seem to be quite a few rows. My daughter is deflecting quite a lot of the blame onto the OW which I don't think is necessarily helping her in dealing with what her dad is like.

My daughter hasn't had a boyfriend yet and I am worried that her view of men and the relationships that she forms with them will be influenced by what she has discovered about her dad. Her dad was outwardly a really decent, lovely man who I believed was faithful to me and he totally deceived me into thinking that was who he is.

There weren't any warning signs for me so I don't know to stop my daughter from ending up with a similar man. I know it's a cliché that a lot of women fall for someone like their dad but I don't want that for my daughter. I can't tell her to trust her instincts because I trusted mine and I got that totally wrong.

I haven't criticised her dad to her anymore than necessary. I've accepted that he does still have good points and have reminded her of those but I can't really explain to her his behaviour because I don't really fully understand myself. I have said that her dad loves her and it's no reflection on her it's just the way he is.

I know she will make her own mistakes regardless of what I do but I just want to try and help her. She's at a difficult age anyway and to find out at 16 that the dad that she thought the world of is a womaniser and that he's been cheating on me throughout her life is a lot to take in. She has been deceived by him as well. I thought he was a good role model for her, but obviously I don't think that now. Her brother has been great and she's got her uncle to look up to as well but this was her dad.

I'm asking what approach I take with her really. What more do I tell her, do I go into detail about her dad and how he managed to deceive me. Do I wait for her to come to me. Sometimes she talks to me about how she feels, other times she shuts herself in her room. I don't know what to do for the best. Thank you.

I am in a similar situation to you, the only difference being that I split with dd 17's dad when she was 6. I have never told her about his affairs as I didn't want to ruin their relationship- not that they have much of one as he has opted out of parenting.

I think you may be surprised at how well your dd knows her dad. Perhaps not directly about the affairs, but that she has an inkling. What I did was to talk to her about similar situations in other families, therefore letting her know how I feel about it and what is right/wrong. I would not mention her dad. I also found that when I met my present dh (her step dad), she finally had an excellent role model, and I have literally told dd to make sure she ends up with someone like him (ie a kind, generous, intelligent family man) crazy as that sounds. I will continue to talk to her as she gets older about what qualities to look for in a person... and hope for the best!!

Thank you. My daughter is aware that her dad cheated on me before the current OW but doesn't know much detail. I don't know a huge amount of detail myself, he said he messed around with about half a dozen women. I didn't really need to know much more than that. I don't know if she has asked him about it herself.

I think that we have taught her right and wrong, but I thought my ex-DH knew the difference too. Pleased your DD has a good role model in your DH. I think there is a degree of hoping for the best. It's not that long ago that I would have been pleased if my daughter had starting going out with someone with similar characteristics to her dad.

I don't know how having a womaniser for a dad affects a teenager long term. If there's anything I should or shouldn't do.

I would say there are two important parts:

1. Do not try to normalise him or his actions, make excuses for him, or hide the truth. It's difficult to get the balance right between facilitating their relationship (which means not being angry or confrontational or bitter) and being honest as a woman about what type of husband he is. She has to be allowed to believe that there are good men who are attractive and make great husbands, but that her df was lacking significant parts of that package.
2. Be a role model. Be dignified, resolute, believe in yourself and your standards, be prepared to stand independently and not take the nonsense. All these things you seem to be doing excellently at. Make her proud to be a woman.

I was always told by my dm that my parents loved each other (usually after a daily episode of abuse, to try to make me feel better about it) and that all families were like ours. They really weren't, not with that level of vicious verbal abuse, alcoholism and emotional coldness as a fact of daily life, although they were clearly very sexually attracted to each other, there was no infidelity. I thought I was avoiding this in my choices of men but in fact my two main relationships were with men with different sorts of addiction, and the coldness was genuinely because they didn't much care for anyone but themselves and never would do (never have since in fact). I genuinely couldn't see it, it was a total blind spot. Years of psychoanalysis later I'm in a peaceful place and very happily married, but it was a painful journey. So whilst a daughter can try to rationalise it away, she can have trouble actually identifying what is not "normal", hence knowing what to reject immediately. Often it's about the more subtle characteristics she is attracted to which may be ingrained because of your ex - she may find the ability to spin a yarn very attractive for instance, and not recognise that this should be a red flag.

Just keep on being relatively open and trying to do the right thing and you will probably avoid this.

I think you are setting a great example and I wish you all the best, I'm pretty sure based on your threads that she will come through fine.

Thank you Megan.

I haven't tried to play down what her dad has done or normalise it, but I am mindful that whatever he has done he is still her dad and while I am able to divorce him he will always be her dad. So, I haven't criticised him to her anymore than necessary.

I am concerned that it is confusing for her that a lot of what she believed about her dad has been shown to be false. I know myself how hard that has been but at least have the benefit of age and experience whereas she has none of that. She is still very much learning about relationships and this is her first experience of being let down by a man and that man is her dad who is supposed to love and protect her.

I have told her that there are still plenty of genuine decent men out there who are what they seem but sadly her dad isn't one of them.

I hope that I have shown my daughter that it is never acceptable to be treated the way her dad has treated me. She is quite feisty and does stand up for herself so I hope she won't take any nonsense but how do you educate someone to differentiate between a man who is genuine and one who appears to be but isn't because I clearly couldn't work that one out.

I am sorry to hear about your childhood and the issues it caused you but pleased that you have found happiness.

I think you hit the nail on the head there in that I do worry that she will be drawn to someone with a lot of her dad's characteristics. When she has mentioned boys that she likes they seem to be the cocky, outgoing types like her dad rather than the quiet ones. My ex-DH was certainly good at spinning a yarn!

I do talk to her about things. She does still tell me things, but I am sure there is plenty she doesn't tell me. She has gone off the rails a couple of times, but fairly normal teenage things.

Thank you for your support and advice as ever.

Simple answer iwas....you can't. All you can do is continue as you have been doing, supporting her with your love, your time, and total honesty.

I have known young women with wonderful fathers who have ended up with poor partners. Likewise, those who had fathers who were womanising alcoholics, but who thankfully found their perfect partners.

All we can really give our children are roots, then wings.....then pray that they remember all we taught them, and find happiness.x.

As hard as this sounds: I'd try and find her a therapist to channel some of her thoughts vs internalising them. I'm 34 and only just dealing with my own issues after many years of bad behaviour and poor relationships with men. I wish I'd just spoken to someone in my late teens/ early 20s to explain what I felt and understand why. I blamed myself for him not wanting 'us'.
I'm at the start of my therapy so can't say much more. But it can mess you up if not spoken about, that's for sure.

sorry of that all sounds negative, no doubt you're an awesome mummy who she loves very much x

I honestly think you have to let her find her own way & just be 100% open, honest & there for her with regards to her relationships.

My dad cheated on my DM, he beat her up, and he was a drunk. I hate him to my core. After a few volatile relationships in my 20's, I married the most wonderful man in my 30's. He comes from a big, loving family, is a fantastic farther, hardly ever drinks, has never raised his voice to me in all our 14 years together & best of all he is loving & gentle. Everything my bastard farther isn't. I always knew I needed to be with someone the opposite of my dad & once I'd got my rebellious teens out the way made sure I found him! Xxxx

There are certain personality traits and values that could be seen as red flags.

Examples would include selfishness, arrogance and sense of self entitlement. Quite often these won't be apparent during the early years but will gradually come through over the years - so its important to show intolerance at the beginning.

Also teach your DD to look at their attitudes towards sex, women and relationships and also at how they cope with stress/poor self esteem.

I don't think there is anything you can do. I have friends whose parents behaved like your Ex and TBH they have sometimes chosen partners the exact opposite of their dads ( or mums).

I think DirtyDancing sums that up well.

She might choose a man who is in some ways like her dad in terms of personality but that doesn't equate with being unfaithful.

I also think that you have to give your ex for being a good dad in so much as your DD loves him, and try to separate your own marriage problems from his ability to be a dad. You could of course say that the 2 are intertwined as the family has broken up- but it's not as simple as that. There are some families where the dad is a bastard in other ways but never leaves- that is maybe more detrimental as a role model as the children accept that style of marriage as the 'norm'.

At the end of the day, he is her dad- and the only one she will have. Although he has been a disappointment to you as a husband, you cannot and should not try to use your anger and disappointment to tarnish your DDs love for him or she will hate you for that.

The best you can do is help her grow up as a confident woman who can cope with whatever life throws at her and hope she will develop her own good judgement of men she will meet.

It's natural that you want to protect your DD from having the same experience as yours but you really can't and at 16 she is maybe too young to be having those sorts of conversations with you about men, anyway.
Your relationship with her dad was unique- she isn't you and her future partners won't be your ex. The marriage issues you had were a result of the unique dynamics in your relationship. You need to be careful because (not saying she would) she could take sides against you and ask what you did or didn't do that made her dad look for another woman! She could turn round and blame you for the loss of her dad. You need to be careful that you don't make her take sides because that is what a lot of her confusion will be about. It's easy for your son to blame your ex because boys tend to be very protective of their mums- but girls can sometimes protect their dads!

Just because she is attracted to extrovert boys doesn't mean they will turn out to cheat on her- any more than you could say introvert men who lack confidence won't ever cheat! You can't make assumptions like that.

I'm going to say the same as other have, falling for somebody like her dad wouldn't mean he was a serial cheater. Besides, nobody can spot a cheater otherwise we wouldn't get involved with them.

You couldn't have predicted the way your marriage was going to go anymore than she could. All we can do is educate our children as to what constitutes being g a good person, what makes a good relationship and what isn't.

Hi iwas. Have you put this question to her dad? As in, how does he feel you both can help your daughter not to end up with someone who behaves as he has? Maybe he can help with this too. (I know you're not wanting to engage with him much at the mo, but on the parenting together aspects I suppose you can and need to engage sometimes.) he could maybe tell her what to look out for.

Don't know if this is sensible or not now I've written it down, so do ignore if wildly off the mark.

The marriage issues you had were a result of the unique dynamics in your relationship.

He also cheated in his previous marriage. Like all cheaters, he chose to cheat as a way of dealing with his own issues and flaws. Nothing to do with OP.

Lady thank you. It's good to know that there are plenty of women with womanising fathers who end up with decent men.

I like to think that up until last year our daughter grew up in a stable, loving home and knows what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. I know that I can only guide her and hope that she makes choices that make her happy.

Thank you Grizzle, I am sorry about your own circumstances and hope that therapy helps you resolve your issues and that you find happiness in the future.

I think that my daughter is probably too young and inexperienced to be considering therapy. I am sure she doesn't tell me everything but she is close to her brother and her aunt and has good friends so I hope she feels she can talk about things if she needs to. She's only 16 so I don't want her to get into the mindset where she thinks she may have issues if she hasn't.

My ex-DH and I have both stressed to her that none of this is any reflection on her and that although her dad is no longer at home he is still her dad and will always love and care for her. I asked my ex-DH to leave so I don't think she thinks that he left her.

Dirty thanks. I suppose that is what I am trying to do and but also see if there's anything that I could do that might help guide her into a better decision than I made.

I am sorry about your dad, but your DH sounds great. It is reassuring that you say you always knew that you wanted to be with someone the total opposite of your father. You hear so often that children who grow up in difficult circumstances think that it can be normal behaviour when someone behaves badly.

You could try reading Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why does he do that?'. I don't think you view your husband as abusive but there is a section that deals with 'the player' and it would also help her to spot other abusive red flags. There was a relationship thread recently which quoted parts of the book including a bit about the player called 'the abuser profiles' sorry I don't know how to do links. If you feel it's a bit heavy goings for her age you could read it yourself and share some of the ideas with her.

I think if the OP shares too much she will risk putting her DD off men for life or the DD might rebel against all this well-intentioned 'advice'.

If this was the reverse gender- eg a man whose wife had cheated- would he be justified in trying to get his son to set his 'cheater radar' at 16 when he wasn't even dating?

OP- please don't risk making your own reaction to this another problem your DD has to deal with. She's not your confidente and maybe having some counselling for yourself would give you the space to discuss your concerns without burdening her with your worry?

NeitherHere I seem to recall there was a thread on here that listed red flags but I think my daughter might be a bit young for that just yet. My ex-DH has all the traits you mention although I was only aware of the arrogant one up until recently. She does have self respect and stand up for herself so I'm hopeful that their won't be issues with her self esteem which I think seems to be one of the more likely reasons why someone puts up with a bad relationship. She does have some good, strong female role models in her life so I think she has a healthy attitude. Thank you.

Pinkfrocks thank you. I realise that if my daughter is attracted to boys who have the same cocky, confident nature as her dad that it doesn't necessarily mean that they are like her dad is in terms of being unfaithful. I know that concerns I have in that area are down to my own experience and I don't want my daughter to have her own judgement clouded by my insecurities.

I accept that, in the main, my ex-DH is a good dad to her and that he does make an effort with her. I don't normally criticise him too much to her. I haven't at any point tried to lower my daughter's opinion of her dad or tarnish her love for him. I want her to have a good relationship with her dad. She is a confident girl, a bit too much sometimes.

I haven't really talked to her about what to avoid/look for in a boy/man as I agree with you that it's not something that's appropriate for her as yet. As and when she gets a boyfriend then I think that it would be more appropriate then if at all. Depends on how decent he appears I suppose.

I suppose my concern is more that she has grown up believing that her dad is a faithful, decent man and to find out at 16 that he is not is going to affect her I would think. Especially as she is at the age when she is going to start forming her own relationships sooner rather than later. I am trying to lessen the impact on her as much as possible so that when she does get a boyfriend her judgement and views haven't been too negatively impacted by finding out what her dad is really like.

Unfortunately it is women rather than woman in my ex-DHs case and he was unfaithful to his first wife too which my daughter is aware of so I think she does realise that the fault lies with her dad. My son has been very protective of me and my daughter has always been very close to her dad.

I know I probably was making assumptions about extrovert and introvert boys. I was just seeing characteristics that are in her dad I suppose. To be clear I haven't said to my daughter please don't go out with anyone like your dad when you are older or anything like that. Thanks.

Very true about having strong female role models - I also think having a decent male figure in her brother will also help show that there are good men around.