Old friends

[sunshinecheese]

So lately I have moved closer to my oldest closest friend. We have been through it all and I would consider us like sisters at this stage (20 years later). She is kind and hillariously funny. BUT, since moving close by i have started to notice just how selfish and self obsessed she is. I have always really known this but have always just passed it off as being "her" and not letting it bother me too much, we have had words over previous incidents. I work full time with 3 small children whereas she is a sahm wtih school going kids but she is constantly moaning about how tired she is, how busy she is, how much the kids are winding her up, how she needs more "me" time. I feel she has no understanding of "real" life, of paying mortgages and bills, of watching your bank account, as her husband takes care of everything. She expects me & everyone else to ferry her kids to and from activities, if she does it once, we never hear the end of it. It has just started to wind me up beyond belief. I have asked myself why its bothering me so much now, am I jealous? Of course i'd love to be at home with the only thing to worry me is what wallpaper to put up (genuine complaint from her this week). I feel she just has no tact, I feel like screaming at her KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. I am always expected to go visit her, she will never visit me so now I have stopped calling to her and so basically we dont see each other even though we live closer than we ever have. We just talk on the phone every day, which i've started to cut back on too. To be honest, I dont know what advice i'm looking for, I cant cut her out of my life, we live in a small community, and apart from that I do love her and her good parts, is this just part of friendships, where we have to take the rough and the smooth, like in our marriages?

what are her good points?

She is very funny, she always cheers me up. she is a great listener and full of good advice.

I think your being a bit unfair on her! As a sahm turned working mum there is honestly very little difference. Being at home with 3 small children is exhausting and she probably doesn't get much if any child free time.

Working is equally tiring but you get a break from the kids, you get adult conversation and you get the luxury of a distinct difference between the days you work and those you spend at home.

I think its hard when you and your friend are both tired and getting lost in the world of responsibility small children bring with it.

The grass always looks greener on the other side. It rarely is.

ok, they sound like great qualities.

Does the good outweigh the bad?

And - if she is such a good friend - sit down with her and tell her how you feel. If she's a great listener and full of good advice, she should be able to hear you out and think about what you're saying.

I work with 3 small children. She does not work outside the home with 2 school going children. So has from 9am to 3pm child free time every single day. This is not a working vs non working rant, this is a question about my friendship. But I do agree with your point that we are both lost in a world of tiredness, sometimes i nearly feel its a competition between us.

But seeing as you brought it up I also have to disagree with your point about working and staying at home not been much different, i totally agree its hard work being surrounded by kids all day, but having to leave the house at 8am and have everybody up, fed, washed, clothed by then and not come back to your home until 6pm after collecting various kids when you then have to face into all your normal home running duties like cooking dinner, facing homework, bathtime, quality time with kiddos, laundry, getting stuff ready for next day, is absolutely exhausting.

Sunshinecheese - you are right about having school age children and being a SAHM - it's so easy. I used to work part time with the DCs and now we emigrated I'm at home with them and yes, from 9-3 you have all the time in the world (to the point where i'm now doing another degree because i felt like I was rattling around with so much time). I was like you for a while with working and yes, it was sometimes a bit irritating to have the 'I'm more tired than thou' game. Equally, perhaps she feels that you are being just as competitive and are looking down on her?

I think that she might be trying to justify her life to you. Why don't you bring up the subject of 'competitive exhaustion' and ask if you could both come to some kind of a solution about not sounding so moany about things? And perhaps mention that you need her to make a bit more of an effort for visits to be equally between your two houses. She may have no idea why you are irritated with her - especially when you are not entirely sure yourself.

Thank you Lemonyone, very wise words! And that is exactly how I feel, I know I'm irritated but not sure exactly why, which is in itself very irritating!

It IS bloody annoying to have someone who doesn't appear to do much all day have a damn good moan about how busy they are.

MIL (never worked after age of 23) used to go on about how busy she was with having to "fetch some beef from the butchers over in Twatville, post that letter for our subscription, then get going with the composting" as if she had just trekked up the Andes or something. It used to make me want to smash my head on the table with irritation. I don't' know why.