Relationship after new baby

[EmmaOt]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post and I'm sorry if it's too long but I was hoping someone would have some advice for me.

My DH and I had our first baby 11 weeks ago. I think it's relevant to say she was planned but my DH took some persuading. Since she has been born my DH has found it hard. He loves her, that is obvious but it is as though he is jealous of her. He seems so unhappy. He says that he misses when it was just us and he doesn't want to be spending all his time looking after her even though I do all the night feeds and early morning feeds, I do most of the housework, cooking, tidying etc but he does some when he gets in from work and at the weekends. It's true our dd does take up a lot of my time but she is 11 weeks old! Ive told him it will get easier as she gets older. I've tried to make sure we have time together, eg a cuddle on the sofa but it's not all evening like it used to be! We still go out eg to pub for lunch but now it's all 3 of us and I think he misses just the 2 of us. I think he's being a bit selfish as I am trying so hard to make things easy for him and I'm not sure exactly what he is finding so hard.

Every time we talk about it we end up arguing and getting upset. I'm really enjoying being a new mum but it's bringing me down, it's almost like he has postnatal depression.

Has anyone got any advice to help me help him adapt to being a new dad?

I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it probably will... You're now reaping the rewards of "persuading" someone who didn't want to have a baby, to have one.

I think you'll probably just have to grit your teeth and hope he comes round a bit once baby's older and not taking up quite so much of your time.

I do think a lot of people (mainly men but also some women) really struggle to relate to babies, and then have a massive change of heart once their LO gets to the point of crawling/walking/talking/going to school.

Your dh sound like a selfish man-boy.

He still chose to have this dc. If he agreed knowing how hard a baby is and is now backing away then he's an idiot.

Maybe you need to leave them alone for some one on one bonding?

He doesn't sound as hands on as he should be.

Pocket- as hard as that is to hear I guess that is true I was warned that he wasn't sure about parenthood.

I'm hoping that time will ensure that he bonds with her.

Jackie- I think I will leave them alone together so they can bond, he is actually very good with her but he just needs encouragement to spend the time with her in the first place.

Thanks for your replies

Someone once said that having a baby was like throwing a grenade into a relationship/marriage. It is an enormous sea change. A LOT - despite what people say or you read - of people, men and women, find it very, very testing. Some people adapt very quickly, others take time. Just because X did this, doesn't mean Y will or has to. There is no "rule book" because every single person is different. I don't think it's ever fair to be critical of ANY new parent in these first months of change.

I do, however, agree with previous poster. Some men don't really "come alive" as a parent until a real personality starts to show itself - for some, that could be toddling, for some, that could be when they start talking. I also agree that "persuading" is never a good thing. I think that happens more often that we hear about, too, because a partner doesn't want to lose the other. I think in those situations, the change is going to be more fraught, though again they tend to bond as the child ages.

I was "persuaded" to have a child with my ex, who then proceeded to disappoint me beyond belief and did not get stuck in with the REALLY hard stuff in the early days of our DD. My request for some support for sleep, because I was broken by 24/7 care and not sleeping for more than 2 hours in a row? "You're the one on maternity leave."

I actually adapted very well to meet her needs, I always made sure my baby got what she needed, but I felt like I had completely lost myself. I was lonely, exhausted and isolated. PND reared its head at 6 months but I did get help.

It was the nail in the coffin for us, but it was already a rocky relationship and developed into even more serious EA.

The chaos of a newborn will definitely show up any cracks in a relationship. I admire those who stay together and help each other through it. I feel something close to seething anger when I hear about a partner not pulling their weight.

You can't send her back so comments like "I miss when it was just the two of us" are ok to say once or twice to get it out of your system (who doesn't miss the freedom of being childfree sometimes?) but you do have to move on. If he keeps this sort of thing up and you are trying to communicate openly, I'd be concerned about how to make things work.

Maybe you could plan short "me" breaks, e.g. he gets to go out for a few hours at the weekend with his friends, and you get to do the same, if possible. I remember the first time I jumped on a bus to town for a few hours and went to Starbucks for a coffee and a magazine. It was heavenly.

I think you're doing all of the right things OP, so I don't know if this is relevant to you, but I'll say it just in case. I had a close friend in a similar situation. She really tried to make everything Fine for her husband by being Super Wife. She tried to do the nappies and nightfeeds and support her husband through his immature, selfish wankery and hoped that time would help. Only, by the time the baby was toddling and talking and, er, interesting it was a bit too late. He was overwhelmed by the responsibility, didn't have the practical skills, didn't know her needs and characteristics well enough.

I'd totally agree with Vivacia. I did it all because of his reaction and it did him no favours. He didn't learn to really be a parent until I left.

It's never a good idea to persuade someone into having a baby sadly . I hope he warms up and grows into parenthood its a big adjustment for everyone

I could have written this post word for word. My DD is 15 weeks, hubby needed persuading and hasn't taken well to being a dad etc and until recently felt like he was grumpy with me all the time. A few weeks ago he admitted to me that he thought he had male PND. It is a thing and is caused by the major life change and the changes a baby has on your relationship. He went to the dr a couple of weeks ago. The dr said it was very common, particularly when the man wasn't so keen on having a baby in the first place. I don't know exactly what the dr said but he has been a changed man since then-helping out more and interacting more with dd. He was referred to a CBT course by the dr and has been to one session so far so I'm hoping that helps too. I spoke to my HV who also told me it is common and these things often get better as the child is able to interact more. I have noticed that as my DD chats and plays more DH is better with her (although not perfect) and I hope things continue to improve. It sounds like an identical situation so I would try to have a chat with your DH about PND and encourage him to get help. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more. I felt very lonely in the same situation but it is getting better now. Good luck

Thank you so much everyone. You have given me really good advice and lots of things to think about.

Hug monster I have messaged you, thank you for reassuring me that I am not alone.