hi all,
would really appreciate any opinions/advice please. Apologies in advance in case this ends up long 
Bit of background..dh and I both 41, together 16 years...married 14 months. I have 2 ds's from previous marriage. Before we met dh had not really had a relationship. He's a very nice, highly educated charming man, but seemed to lack confidence especially around women and when we met he was still a virgin( think this is relevant to some of his issues further down). He was up front about this from the start and we took our relationship slow to start and it never was an issue.
Also from the beginning he said he never really thought he wanted kids, he didn't really think about it but didn't have any overwhelming desire to have any. He didn't have a problem with me having kids either. He didn't meet my ds's for about 7 months and after an awkward start on his part...not really knowing how to talk to/handle kids etc... he soon got the hang of it and all 3 have been very close ever since. The ds's still have their (Disney) dad in their lives but they absolutely adore dh...ds1 is closer to him than his real dad and dh is fantastic with them.
We've been pretty tight knit all these years..nice happy little family. Sure we've had our ups and downs ...arguments like a lot of ppl...mainly about stuff like money, getting stuck in a rut/ routine and about making more effort with each other ect...and his inability to communicate/express himself(although he did get better with this last few years) nothing dramatic or majorly serious....until now!
Year before last he turned 40. He seemed/said he was fine about it, its just a number didnt bother him ect... but not long after he started to change. He became withdrawn from me, seemed down, fed up...our previously good sex life became less frequent and he closed back up. Tried to talk to him but he just kept shutting me out, got to a point where we were just hardly saying a word to each other atmosphere was horrible. He left went to his parents said he needed to get his head together.
Few days later he came home and we had a heart to heart. He said he didn't feel like a real man. He wishes he was more like his dad...now his dad comes across as tough...he is the type of man who could have all his limbs broken and still climb up a ladder and not moan about it..hes also the type of man that thinks men shouldn't cry or express feelings or be overly sensitive ect don't get me wrong his dad is a nice bloke we all get on great its just the way he is. Dh is definitely like his mum...a worrier bit sensitive at times. He said he wasn't "macho" and it bothered him a lot. From then on I've tried to make him feel more like a "man" tried to boost his confidence etc...spent more quality time together and things started to improve..but now have slipped again.
Another heart to heart and he still doesn't feel like a "man" he doesn't feel macho, thinks maybe if he'd had more girlfriends,experiences, had kids of his own ect.. he'd be a real man. I'm devestated ...I've always felt guilt we didn't have a child of our own, he only told me 2 years ago that actually he wouldn't of minded having kids (he didn't make a big deal about it just mentioned it) by this point I felt it was too late/ felt too old. I don't know if its a midlife crisis or not. He says he's lost and confused, I feel the same now and just don't know what to do any more.