I don’t really know what I hope to achieve from this post but think I just need to type it all out.
Been with my BF for a year, things are brilliant. He is absolutely lovely, is kind, caring, supportive, takes an interest in my life, I fancy the pants off him and sex life is fine.
The past week he has been distant and detached. I’ve asked him what’s wrong numerous times and he’s just responded with ‘nothing.’ Last night, after we’d been ahem, ‘naughty’, again, he felt distant. I questioned him again and said that I felt he was distant. He lay there next to me for about 30 seconds in silence, then said ‘I just feel a bit empty at the moment.’
He said it’s nothing to do with me/us, he loves me but just that he feels ‘empty’ He said he feels a bit bored of life, that he’s always had goals to try and achieve etc and he feels like he’s done all that now. He’s got the job, house, car, dog etc and doesn’t know what’s next. I can understand that. Not necessarily a bad predicament to be in though!
He is not from where we live originally and only moved here for work 18 months ago. He has a really good, strong friend and family network back home, which is great. I know he misses them terribly when he goes for a period without seeing them. HOWEVER, in the 12 months we’ve been together, he has made no real attempt at all at making any friends around here. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve tried to encourage him. He is such a lovely, interesting person with loads of interests/hobbies that he COULD take up again around here but he won’t. He keeps listing work as a reason why he can’t each time because he works shifts and says he doesn’t know if he can commit to weekly attendance of cricket/rugby etc etc. That’s fine but what is he going to do then?
He occasionally bothers with work mates but that’s not very often. They were all out the other Friday after work for drinks, I encouraged him to go but he said no ‘he doesn’t want to just sit and talk about work all night.’ They’ve done a few things recently where he’s declined the invite so I suspect they probably think he’s just not bothered.
When I go back to his hometown with him he is so sociable. I don’t see how someone who is that sociable could be happy with a life where he hardly interacts with people other than his GF.
We obviously socialise with my friends a fair bit and the ones that have BF’s/Husbands I try and get together with every few weeks so he has some male company and we do have a laugh, but unfortunately, my 3 closest friends are, at the moment all single and my friends whose husbands and boyfriends he gets on well with have moved out of the area so we only get to see them when they are back visiting, which is only once every couple of months. He has his friends down to stay say once every 3 months and goes back to his hometown once every 3 weeks or so for a few days to see everyone. So it’s never LONG, long periods of time he goes without socialising etc.
Anyway, I really think he is feeling empty due to lack of things going on in his life. He is so used to being busy and achieving goals and socialising that now he’s got none of that, he’s, quite rightly feeling empty. But what can I do?! I can’t force him to start socialising. I think soon it will come to a crux and he’ll be forced to unless he wants to go mental with boredom and loneliness. I refuse to make a life for him down here, he’s 30 years old, he doesn’t need me to hold his hand all the time.
I basically hinted at this last night and he did talk about doing stuff, maybe getting a new hobby etc, but I highly doubt anything will come of it. He kept saying it was the weather and with Spring around the corner, he’ll start to feel better.
I guess a big part of this is that I’m starting to feel like he’s only with me, not because he really loves me, but just for SOMEONE to be with. That I could be anyone, that 12 months ago when we met he was just perhaps so desperate to find someone that he thought ‘Oh she’ll do.’ Deep down I think I know I’m being stupid but it’s starting to get to me now too.
I’m also thinking if he was truly happy with our relationship, perhaps he wouldn’t be feeling ‘empty?’
I NEED him to step up and start taking control of his social life, I cannot provide one for him. I am very independent and lead a very busy life myself and am starting to feel guilty if I don’t see him for a few days etc as I think ‘Oh god, he’ll be sitting on his own.’ It shouldn’t be like that, this relationship won’t be sustainable like that. He’s got friends visiting this weekend so that may help to cheer him up a bit.
So, again, I’m not sure what I hope to achieve from this post but if anyone can offer any words of wisdom or advice/support I’d be grateful. I love him, I hate to see him unhappy.