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Relationships

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To think 24 hours is not a long time before starting up sexual relationships with other women?

18 replies

mummymummypony · 24/03/2015 20:46

My partner and I have been together for a few years. We have had a lot of problems. It began with his family and spiralled from there. He hasn't treated me very well ever since then and it has been a vicious circle. I have loved him and continue to love him despite this. I reached my breaking point a couple of weeks ago and told him to leave the house and that we were done. I decided to be strong and mentally prepared myself to be single and without him. 24 hours after this he had already started propositioning other women and engaging in sexual conversations. It is about 4 or 5 women. They reciprocate and he is clearly ready to move on in this way. At the same time that he was speaking with these women, he was also asking me if he could come home and if we could repair things. After a week I said we could see each other once a week and stay separated but see where things would go. At that point I didn't know about these women. At the end of the following week, I saw messages on his phone and flipped out over it. He hadn't continued to speak with these women, but I was shocked and hurt that he had done this as soon as 24 hours after I had asked him to leave. I was also angry that he was telling me he wanted to come home, fix things and love's me while doing this at the same time. I feel like he wore down my resistance under false pretences, iyswim. Him moving on in that manner so soon after we ended makes me question so many things. Yes I asked him to leave, but with very good reason. I feel like if that is what he wanted to do, he should have stayed away from me and I feel emotionally manipulated. I wouldn't have said we could restart things if i had kniwn about these women and he clearly knew that because he kept it from me. AIBU? Be honest but be kind, its all still pretty raw.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/03/2015 20:49

How foul of him. In your situation, I would think he was just a bit too practiced at putting it about and conclude that he had been doing the same during our relationship

I also would consider our relationship to be permanently over

CalleighDoodle · 24/03/2015 20:51

I think you are bu. you threw him out. He trawled for sex while you were separated and youhad insisted it was over but he still said he wanted to be with you if youd have him. But then again you said you had good reason to throw him out. So u are bu towards yourself. Trust you initial reaction and throw him out for good

mummymummypony · 24/03/2015 20:52

Oh and he says it's just words. The person he loves is me but when I told him to leave he pretty much just said fuck it and decided to move on immediately. He says he loves me and wants to repair things but I feel like too much has happened.

OP posts:
cabbageandgravy · 24/03/2015 20:52

Ouch! That sounds very hard to take, I'd be really hurt and shocked. Doesn't seem like he is capable of treating you well, ever. You don't sayvwhether he tried to explain himself but there isn't really any excuse, is there. Shocking treatmemt of you - and hardlybgreat attitude to the other women either. Poor you.

cabbageandgravy · 24/03/2015 20:54

Sorry, x-post re his excuses. But - just ugh.

ilovechristmas1 · 24/03/2015 20:55

sounds like he's edging his bets so either way he's not alone

dump him for good.sorry to say but men like this have a habit of doing this whether in a relationship or not

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/03/2015 23:22

He'd already mentally checked out of your relationship, to be able to go out on the hunt like that. No grieving, no reflection; just 'right, where's my next shag coming from then?'. The asking to "repair things" ? So sorry OP Sad, but he was thinking it might still come from you.

He has no respect for your or the relationship you once shared. You are much better off without him. I wish you strength. ((hugs))

NeedABumChange · 24/03/2015 23:31

I think you should call this man your ex-partner. He sounds like a dick. Knew you'd take him back and decided to put it about a bit while he had the opportunity.

ARoomWithoutAView · 24/03/2015 23:39

He sounds like a yard dog.
Can just imagine him coming across another woman a short while after leaving you, sniffing her bottom and then humping her in the back yard.
Like an automatic animal thing.

londonrach · 25/03/2015 08:46

Hugs. Sounds like you better off without him. Xx

Satsumafairy · 25/03/2015 08:50

He sounds absolutely horrible op. What a thoughtless, shallow way to behave. You really are much better off without this nasty piece of work.

ArcheryAnnie · 25/03/2015 08:55

YANBU. He hasn't shown any grief over the loss of your relationship if he's doing this. The idea that he's also trying to get his foot back in the door with you at the same time beggars belief.

You have every reason to feel hurt and angry about this.

mummymummypony · 25/03/2015 14:17

Thank you for the replies.

He is actually angry at me for being angry at him and says that the minute I told him to leave and he became single he had every right to do what he pleased. He initially said that talking this way to these women was simply nothing but talk and he has no clue why I feel angry or think he owes me something.

For me I feel that this is an indicator of his general mindset as others have also said on this thread. If 24 hours was enough time for you to move on like this, surely it raises questions.

I have spoken to him today and he has indicated that he would still like to sort things out and has offered to give me time to get past this, but to me it feels like I could never think of him in the same way again. I could never trust him and without trust what point is there in even attempting to work on things.

Some of his behaviour has indicated that he is clearly angry at me and is also lashing out. He seems to be using this as a way to give me an ultimatum, as if to say "take me back or I will continue this because I know it hurts you" iyswim.

Its as if he wants to punish me and force me to take him back but it is rather pushing us further apart. TBH I don't think we could get much further apart than this unless we actually just cut each other out of our lives.

OP posts:
ilovechristmas1 · 25/03/2015 15:09

he sounds like he's playing a giant game of manipulation

hes playing with your head and emotions

he is abusive

he is not committed

he is trying to shift the blame to you

hope your ok

mummymummypony · 25/03/2015 15:33

Ilovechristmas that is exactly the problem as far as I can see. This all started years ago when we had problems with his family. They are not emotionally healthy people and even he knows that he comes from a family of emotionally abusive and manipulative people. When we got together I didn't know the extent of his family problems and he didn't seem to have inherited the same toxic issues his family had. But when the problems with his family started, he didn't know how to handle it because of the environment he was raised in and instead took it out on me a lot. When I would express my anger and need to take time to get over whatever issue we were having, he would resent my anger and lash out by behaving worse than he had done before. This is the vicious cycle we have been in. His family sweep issues under the rug too so he doesn't know how to confront his problems in a healthy way. I have given him years to sort it out but I just keep bearing the brunt of it all. He resents me because I am a giant reminder of his mistakes and he can't sweep me under a rug. So instead he treats me badly. I don't doubt that he loves me, but he is an emotionally abusive person and I have told him this before. I hoped he would acknowledge this and change and he has to his credit made attempts in the past. But sadly the more mistakes he makes, the more we continue in this cycle and the worse he treats me.

OP posts:
ilovechristmas1 · 25/03/2015 15:43

before this week did you see a future with him ??

might be good to ask to get this moved to relationships,lots of good advice there

mummymummypony · 25/03/2015 15:51

I was thinking the same thing. Not sure how to get it moved though.

We had been spiralling for a long time but we did have a genuinely loving foundation when we decided to become a family. I was always willing to try, that is why i stayed for years instead of jumping ship at the first sign of trouble. He isn't an all around bad person, I think it really is as a result of coming from an emotionally unhealthy family. It is something he could work on so I did think we could have a future. It was just dependant on him breaking the cycle and acknowledging his behaviour.

OP posts:
BeccaMumsnet · 25/03/2015 15:56

Hi everyone - we're just going to move this over to Relationships.

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