Those of you who have had periods of NC with parents, how did it end up that you got back in touch with them?

[EqualRites]

I have been NC with my parents for 2 years. When it happened I never thought to myself this is it forever, I just knew I had to not be around them for a good long while. I am a lot stronger now and more detached. I have no particular desire to see them, but I also would like to not have this 'thing' in my life. It would make things simpler with other members of my family who I am struggling to keep a relationship with.

I've got past the point of wanting an apology from my mother, or expecting her to change or wanting her to listen to me so that she understands. I know she will never get it.

Part of me would like to negotiate a relationship with her from my new position of strength. I feel I could 'handle' her, or at least not let her bother me.

However, I can't picture a scenario where I get back in touch with them. All through this the only emotion I've had from her is anger, and I still have this feeling that were we to resume contact she would expect an apology, which will certainly not be happening.

Sometimes I forget who she is and for a moment believe that she'd be so happy to be reunited with her grandchildren that she would scrape and grovel to be allowed to stay in their lives. But then I remember that it would be me who would have to scrape and grovel every time she felt like reminding me what I've put her through. But... she could surprise me, I don't know.

If somehow we did end up back in contact it would be extremely limited.

Has anyone who has been NC been able to 'manage' a return to contact, in the way they'd like, or if it's happened has it been forced upon you?

NC for four years or so. My dad died. Got back in contact when he was dying. Managed to repair things with my mother, but have kept it at arms length.

It was 'forced', I suppose, but I am glad it has worked out in the end, even though I miss my dad a lot.

contact was resumed because I arranged to pick up my childhood things (which she actually threw out on the front lawn overnight :s but someone picked them up and kept them safe).

When I got there she'd calmed down and we resumed distant contact. She decided she valued contact enough to behave herself around me ... she sure didnt behave around anyone else. I kept contact short (about an hour or two a time) and if she started to get unpleasant left. She could not have kept herself in check longer than 2 hours.

Because she knew I'd walk away, she had enough motivation to keep herself under control for those short visits (once every year or two).

I'm sorry about your dad lunalelle. At the moment it feels like it would take something like that for me too, though it's hard to contemplate. How do you feel about the period of NC now?

Is that something you could have predicted beforehand Meerka - the behaving herself because she knew you'd walk away? That's the best outcome I could see for me and my mother.

NC with my Dad for a year after he fucked off with my mother's best friend. Do speak to him now but relationship is really strained.

Half sister just cut off all contact with me. Really do not know the reason why! Found out because she unfriended me on Facebook. She is 40. Really upset as I am close to my niece and now can't see her.

NC with my father. Went NC after being assaulted by my brother (not his son) and he said I shouldn't press charges (having taken three days to come and see me, despite walking his dog past the end of my road twice a day every day in between) and also, when I said after that that I wanted to get to know him as an adult (him and mum split up when I was 3) he said "the worst mistake I ever made was marrying your mother and then you came along". Hmmm.

Got back in contact when my brother (his son) was in ICU following an assault. Was very dodgy relationship but we could be in the same room and have a "civil" conversation.

We're effectively NC now, but only because he has alzheimers and is no longer oriented in space/place/person. It actually hurts more than it did when we weren't speaking through my 20s because I'm now ready to face him about his lack of love growing up and how much of a toxic arsehole he is and he's not there for me to do it.

NC for about a year and a half. Resumed contact when I had reached the same state of detachment that you describe, and contact is indeed limited, although cordial.

I just phoned them one day. They responded happily. It was pretty undramatic.

I can only wish you the same kind of outcome - you sound like you're in the right place.

No. No it wasn't, not at all. She was too unpredicatable and far too prone to rages when people didn't do what she wanted. As I say, I got there and all my childhood stuff had been thrown out into the rain, which someone went and got and put under cover for me :/

As events turned out though, she did choose to exercise that self control when I visited. it must have been a giant effort for her. She never apologised or took responsibility for the initial offence (she put her hands round my neck and tried to shake me; I told her it was unacceptable; she denied it and got really angry 'becuase she'd never do anything like that' ... heh. There was a long history of escalting violence).

I phoned the enabler of the couple: that was also a smoother way to renew contact than tackling the bully directly. HTH.

You're right, you do need to be able to detach completely. She will know the buttons to press and frankly when someone is really being unpleasant it ends up being very hard to be around anyway. So yes, you do need to be in that position of strength where you expect nothing of her and where you regard her with reserve, never talk about important things and always be ready to walk away. You can't allow her to have any hostages that you're unwilling to loose.

That's encouraging GoatsDoRoam. Undramatic is exactly what I would hope for. And yes, as I was typing this earlier I was thinking if I initiated anything it would be to email my dad.

Meerka, you've done well to rise above what your mother did, without having an acknowledgement/apology. My mother denied/dismissed all sorts of stuff, but never anything as overt and tangible as an actual assault.

I would say that both my parents and I learned different behaviour during our spell of NC: I learned detachment, and how to say "That won't work for me" when they try to push me into something, and "I don't want to hear that" when they start abusing each other, and they learned to respect my limits more: they accept it when I say those things, instead of trying to get me to back down.

I still keep them very low contact, but it IS a relief not to have NC be this "thing" lurking in my life, as you describe in your OP.

(I understand that this is not always possible for many NC-ers; I am lucky.)

You sound like you're ready, so go for it. It may go better than you expect, and if it doesn't, well, that will also teach you something valuable.

Thanks Goats, it's been good to hear how it's gone for you. I'm going to think about it. DH is away at the moment so will wait to talk to him about it properly when he gets back, and see how I feel.

yes, I contacted someone in the household but not her directly. She didn't actually bring me up btw, which made it easier to go NC; but having said that, there was still definitely a strong bond there. it wasn't exactly 'easy'.

I'd have respected her more if she'd offered an apology but that was unrealistic. We both knew it had happened, it changed the way we interacted profoundly -and she stopped trying to pull the 'im your mother, i can tell you what to do' shit- and it was never referred to again. But overall that period of NC was vital. It was me breakign free and becoming my own adult. When we resumed contact, it was on those terms.

Strange how this topic has came up today.

I was NC with my mum for about 18months until last week (my choice). An old neighbour rang to tell me mum had been taken in an ambulance that morning to A&E. During the conversation I didn't know the severity of it but was told she was by herself. I dropped everything and was out of work and at the hospital within an hour. Turns out she was just being a complete attention seeker and was pretty much ok.

And even though none of my siblings went (or any of her family, or anyone for that matter) the only thing she said to me in the space of the 3 hours I was there (I waited until my DB finished work and arrived -God forbid he'd lose a half day at work- ) was to give off I had the cheek to ask for another blanket when she said she was cold. Nothing else. Just stony silence.

The only positive is that my conscience is now clear if something serious did happen. When it mattered no-one was bothered about her. And even though I was the only person to show any concern she still could only see me as shit on her shoe. I haven't told anyone this in RL and at first I was heartbroken but now I'm just relieved as it has utterly put everything into perspective for me.

There won't be any more contact.