Need help about coping with my mother

[Confusedandalone2015]

After reading several threads about people's 'toxic' mothers/parents I thought i'd ask about my experiences as I need advice and they all struck a cord.
I'm worried that its taken me so long to realise my mother isn't normal. It's particularly noticable when she so starkly contrasts my friends mums, many of whom are so warm and loving in comparison and have a real love for their daughters.

This is probably going to be a bit rambly, but I have no one else to talk to about this and I'm starting to get emotional.
Ever since I was a child she resented giving me physical or verbal attention, even when I asked for it she told me to stop being needy. I once wrote her a letter as a chile and later found it ripped up in the bin. This hit me especially hard and there are some things you don't forget as a child.
She also once laughed at me when I described myself as kind, making me question my whole identity and knocking my confidence massively.
She is extremely materialistic and nothing is ever good enough for her.
She is distant and shows little emotion.
She has an amazing ability to pick out the negative aspects of any situation and go on about it. It's got to the point where I only mention neutral topics to avoid this.
She knows my insecurities so well and picks at them to break me down. She literally knows everything about me and has me wrapped around her little finger.
She flat-out denies when she's done anything wrong, never apologises, cries when we don't go running to her and gives us the silent treatment for several days even when we do.
Everything I do is focused on her and making her happy, but I never feel like it's enough. I strive everyday to be the 'perfect' daughter she wants but always go to bed feeling inadequate. My first thoughts are about her and i'm nervous to face her each morning incase she's in a bad mood.
I want to move far, far away from her but she has this amazing ability to make you want to be around her despite all this. She won't want me to leave her and i'm terrified I'm going to be stuck feeling like this forever. I'd feel so much guilt, but i'm tired of the feeling of constant anxiousness and inadequacy.
Christmas and holidays are hell, I can't stand the constant arguing and fake perfection. If something doesnt go quite how she pictures it she goes into emotional decline.
She makes me cry at significant times in life that should be celebrated (results day, for example) Probably because the attention was away from her.
My problems are never as significant as hers and she tells me to be quiet because she's been through more.

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore I just wish I had a healthy, relaxed relationship with her.

She sounds very narcissistic, and it must have been extremely difficult for you growing up like this.

This website may be of some help: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

How old are you? I think from what you say that you live nearby, but not with her, is that right? Are you married, have kids?

Thank you for the link.
Growing up was tough but at the time everything felt normal and thst these conflicts were part of all family life. I'm sure that's common in these situations.
I feel guilty talking about her in this way and to the outsider she probably seems perfectly pleasant.

I'm 24 and live relatively close to her with my partner. I just havent got anyone to talk to that will understand. Just need to talk as its constantly on my mind recently.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. A mother's love is unconditional, at least it's meant to be. I think you need to take a deep breath and say, i can't change her, but I can change the way I feel. If it was me, I would cut her off totally and let the chips fall where they may. Let her cry, bitch and make a total fool of herself. It's scary, yes, but you need to find your back bone and never lose it. You are a strong person, you will survive the cut off. She will survive the cut off. Please, life is far too short to do what makes you unhappy.

You say she knows every single thing about you but uses her information negatively. You really need to create more distance between you. Stop telling her stuff, you have a partner for that and, hopefully good friends who will support you rather than try to knock you down.

Reduce contact, how much do you currently have? Reduce your conversation to the mundane and refuse to answer personal questions. You can practise some phrases that gently help you keep your privacy. You do not need to tell your mum everything. I wonder if your idea of your friends' relationships with their mothers is idealistic. I do not and suspect most people do not share every detail of my life with my mum.

I'm afraid you do have to manage your expectations. She won't change, nothing you do will make any difference. She will deny, be unable to see what the problem is so no point in any confrontation. So just protect yourself. You can do it and improve your life by accepting who she is and putting yourself first for once.

This can improve. Good luck.

Defiantely stop telling her stuff.

If she asks how work is going 'oh it's fine. How was your visit to so and so?

How is your partner 'same old same old. Do you see tht new shop on the high street?

Everything is fine and deflect by asking a question about her.

Turn off all answering machines and get caller id. That way you don't speak to her as often but there is no message that you are forced to reply to.

Your phone battery keeps dying and you must it replaced ... Sometime in the distant future... So you didn't get her message.

Oh you keep leaving your phone at home while on a weeks holiday, or at a friends and you couldn't get it back for a week.

Some practical tips for putting up boundaries while you are busy looking at the stately homes thread and working out what you want to do.