My friend is choosing to stay with her abusive, controlling, manipulative boyfriend

[maggiethemagpie]

My friend has been seeing a guy for four months. It got very intense very quickly, within weeks he was saying he loved her and that she'd 'saved' him. He'd been single for a long time before that (10 years) and his life was bit of a mess by all accounts.
They have spent most of their time together, she stays at his flat most nights although does rent a room elsewhere.
I live in a different city but go to stay with her every few months. I have just returned from a weekend away. We were due to go to another friend's party for the night and then the next day I was going to go back home. He didn't come so it was just a bit of a girl's thing. It was a big party in a house, and the next day our host asked if we wanted to stay on and we said yes.
He then began to show his controlling side, he called the host to say he was worried about her, when it became apparent she was not coming back he started sending nasty messages saying he was bored and he'd had a bad day, and she needed to come back as he was lonely and miserable.
She then admitted that he'd become very controlling, and would shout at her frequently whenever she didn't do what he wanted. She said he'd tell her she was stupid, crazy and mixed up and it seems like she is beginning to believe this as she asked us if she is.
She won't do anything for fear of upsetting him. It gets worse. Despite the fact that she has her own room to rent he is getting her to give him money towards his mortgage- £200 last year - as he is in arrears due to being too lazy to get a job. He does have a temporary job now but only because she did all the job applications for him and all the effort and he only literally turned up to the interview. However he has been off a lot so may lose it soon. She is worried he will lose his house so is giving him her money.
She also cleans his flat which is super-messy yet he only allows her to put her things in a little box in the corner of the room even though she stays there a lot. He won't let her go anywhere on her own, he has to drive her. She got her hair highlighted recently and he said he didn't like it as it should be brown. He doesn't like her wearing makeup so she does it really quickly before she leaves for work in the morning.
Gonna do this in two parts as it's so long!

Does she want to leave him?

Anyway he then phoned up to see where she was and she put the phone on loud speaker and he started really c pick you up.' It was not a question but a demand.

After we were all shocked saying why are you with this guy? She made excuses for him and said she wants to make him happy. She admitted she is giving him money towards his mortgage despite the fact that she also pays her own rent, as he is £3000 in arrears due to being too lazy to get or keep a job.

We were trying to convince her to leave him, eventually she admitted that it would not be right to stay with him. Later that day he comes out to find her at the party, she goes out to the car to tell him she can't do it anymore.
Next thing he is calling her telling her he is going to kill himself as she's stabbed him through the heart and he wont' accept being dumped this way.

He phones/texts a thousand times but she ignores them and switches phone off.

Next morning he phones /texts 20 times in one hour, she cracks, runs out fo the house crying and goes to see him.

Eight hours later sends me a message saying she really loves him, he's a good man and they're going to work through their issues etc.

Of course he's going to tell her that, anything to get her back.

She's not even allowed to contact me on facebook anymore as he doesn't like it (this was before this weekend even happened).

I feel like she's just his possession now and she's trapped. He will probably not let her see her friends much anymore after this episode as he will now say we tried to split them up.

Do I have to just watch this car crash happen?

edit first sentence should read he started to really shout at her and say he needed her, and when was he coming to pick her up. It was not a question but a demand,

You have to just be there for her. Make it clear that if she ever wants to leave, today, next week, next month, next year, you will be there for her and not judge her decisions. As he isolates her more, she needs to know that she has someone for when she decides she wants to make a break.

I just feel I put so much effort in trying to get her to see it's not worth staying in the relationship, to the point of texting him to say he was upsetting her, (he just denied that she was upset) and then she's gone back to him so what's the point of me even getting involved? I do judge her decision as it's a poor one! I am still her friend but I don't know if I want to spend much time with her if he's on the scene.

Can you keep in touch with her through work emails?

You don't get involved, you provide a shoulder.

The more you show her you are judging, the less she'll feel able to come to you when it all falls apart as she'll feel embarrassed and stupid knowing you've seen it all along and she didn't.

When she texted me last night to say she was staying for him I replied saying 'I'm so happy for you both!' It was one of those where you're not sure if it's sarcastic, it could be but it's not obvious.

I am annoyed with her for going back to him, but recognise that it's her choice, her life and she has complete freedom to fck it up if she chooses to.

If he threatens to kill himself every time she leaves she will never escape as she has taken complete responsibility for his happiness and life. Which he is happy about as he blames everything on her - even him being bored on a Saturday. She has already tried to leave 3 times before, but this time was the most 'public'

She wont leave until she's ready.
All you can do is be there for her and pray she comes to her senses before he screws with her head so much she totally loses any idea about what a normal relationship is.

There is a little more to the story. I know what I am about to tell you I did was morally incorrect, but here goes.
On the evening after she dumped him she was too upset to look at her phone bit wanted to see when he had stopped ringing/text backing so got me to check a few times.
After she went to bed I took the phone to check the case log and accidentally called him twice as I was not familiar with her phone. Each time I just ended the call once I realised it was ringing out. But then of course he thought she was ringing so he rang back, then texted to say why are you ringing.

Probably shouldn't have done this but I replied, as her.
We ended up having a long conversation by text. By this time she had actually dumped him, so I just explained why from mu understanding of her point of view.
He alternated between lots of I love you how you could you do this to me to angry 'your horrible ' type messages.
He said he'd do anything for me I said let me go then. He said no.

All the time he thought I was her. So I truly have seen right inside his head and it is not nice. He really does seem psychologically unwell.

I deleted the messages out of the phone before I went to bed, and thought I will fess up in the morning but she left before I could see her and now they are back together and non one has said anything.

Either he realises and has said nothing to her now he has her back or he never even realised.

Only my other friend (the host) knows this, but the way he spoke to me when he thought I was her has really really concerned me.

Not sure I can do amything now except watch from the sidelines.

What you did was wrong. You are too involved in your friend's life. No wonder he doesn't want her to have any contact with you regardless of whether he is 'controlling'. Be clever and don't play into his hands - don't give him any excuses. Be supportive and be there for her but please don't interfere...

Theee posts to get to the real problem. You have completely overstepped the boundary. At some point, he is going to reference that text conversation, and it could be a real problem for her to deny it, and he can really use her lack of memory against her: the things he can claim she said, or that he did. you have complicated an already horrible situation.

What are you going to do? It sounds like her lifelines are disappearring. She needs to know what 'she' had this conversation and what 'she' said. But telling her may well cause her to break off with you completely, as he wants.

Agree with PPs, you're going to have to tell her, otherwise he's going to use it against her and convince her that she's going mad.

I think if he refers to it, and she denies it, he can physically show her the texts which are on his phone.

I won't deny it if asked but won't admit it either.

I know it was wrong, the only thing I can say is that they were technically split up at the time and she had agreed to have no further contact with him (when she said she was going to leave him, we discussed that he would try very hard to get her back and she agreed an NC approach)

Well that one worked!

To be honest the whole thing has upset me so much that I am not going to go and visit her for a while now. I'll be there for her if she reaches to me, but I'm going to lie low for a while and let her make her mistakes. I tried to help but it didn't work.

I have been there with a friend who was similarly abused, all you can do is let them know you are there for them and are not judging them. You can not make her leave him. But if/when she does leave him you can be a massive support to her and help her in any way she needs it.

Seeing your updates - just wow! You must tell her you sent him these texts. "I won't deny it if asked but won't admit it either" is not good enough. You must tell her - if he is as abusive as you are suggesting your silly actions could get her into a lot of trouble.

You haven't helped, yet, but she may well need your help in the future.

Not sure I can do anything now except watch from the sidelines.

I'm in the same position with a friend of mine. It's heartbreaking.

My friend has experienced physical violence several times. The last incident (that I know of) left her bruised and bloody. She left him after that, but they good back together a few months later. Her father was/is ea to her mother, so her perspective is skewed.

My strategy is to have as 'normal' a friendship with her as possible. I don't discuss him or their relationship any more. She knows what I think. I don't know what it will take for her to ltb, but I plan to be there for her.

Should have said 'they got back together a few months later'

I won't deny it if asked but won't admit it either... To be honest the whole thing has upset me so much that I am not going to go and visit her for a while now

Well it sounds like you're less of a friend and more of a controlling person who thinks you own your friend and can ride roughshod over her boundaries, so she's probably better off without your "help" anyway.

Yes mrs Squirrel, that will be my approach now. Unless she asks for my advice I'm not going to mention it. She had 5 or so people at this party telling her he will never change it will only get worse etc so it's all been said and she still chose to go back to him. I've realised from this that it's not leaving these kind of men that's hard, it's the not going back to them that's hard.

I have my wedding in a year, not sure I can invite him though, he does recreational drugs and I said I don't want anyone doing drugs at my wedding and he said I'll do what I like. Nice. But she is my maid of honour and it seems unlikely he'll let her go without him seeing as she currently can't walk to work on her own.

Really tough one regarding your wedding. IIWY I would have a plan B, in case he doesn't 'let' her go.

As I said, it's just heartbreaking.