minor problems that are making me so upset.AIBU?

[kojackscat]

Dh is a good guy. He does some stuff around the house, most of the cooking, some childcare, etc. However, he seems incapable of clearing up after himself, and I always end up doing it. I am getting very resentful and it is making me miserable.

This morning he was pouring ready break into a bowl for ds breakfast. (see, he does do some stuff). He commented how it made such a mess, when it flies about everywhere.
Then he took the bowl to ds and wandered off to have a shower.
I cleared up the mess,as usual, and decided,I had to speak to him, yet again, about leaving me go be the skivvy, doing all the jobs he thinks are beneath him.

So when he got out the shower I said 'i feel sad because I had to clear up yet again'. He got v cross and shouted sorry. I said why are you angry with me, you should be saying thank you. He claimed he was just angry with himself, and promised to try harder.

So he went downstairs, made dds packed lunch and took her to school and himself to work.
I have just been into the kitchen and there are crumbs all over the worktop.
I feel so sad, and angry. He promised not 15 mins before and forgot immediately.

Just for context, I was dealing with ds in this time, and washing up from last night ( we had a power cut and an electrician here for over an hour last night, which is why it hadn't been done)

So, I think I just want to vent, and ask if aibu, I feel so cross right now, why should I clear up after everyone, I'm not bloody Cinderella.

Sorry for such a long post, I know this is v minor compared to what some of you are living with.

It's not minor, it shows a complete lack of respect - he can mess up your shared environment and just leave it for it to annoy you or for you to clear up. It's immature and infuriating.

You need to have a proper chat about it and get across how you feel as this sort of thing can really erode a relationship over time. If he starts going on about how it's not a big deal then say "great I'm glad you see it that way, so I'm sure you won't mind doing all of the cleaning up from now on." Don't let him minimise.

You're living with a slob. That's how he is. You are never going to be able to make him give a shit about a few crumbs on the counter. So if neatness is important to you, you probably have to make it more fair by you doing more of the cleaning stuff, and him picking up the slack on something else.

I am a total slob so I speak from experience, here

Thanks. Its just so hard to talk to him, cos he always agrees, appologises, and says he will change. But he doesn't

DH does this, so either I tidy it up if I want to, or I say "can you clean up the toast crumbs please?", or "can you make sure the kitchen is tidy before you go out please?"

I know he should just do it, but he doesn't. The same way I don't always collapse the recycling crazy life I lead.

Rather than get irritated and shouty, I just remind him to do but phrase it nicely.

What happens if you calmly point out the mess and ask him to clear it up? That would be my favoured approach, even if it meant leaving it until he is home from work.

I guess it depends why he does it.
Is it because he thinks that a once a day wipe down will be enough?
Because he doesn't like getting his hands dirty on a nasty dishcloth?
Because he thinks that when all is said and done it's a woman's job, certainly not his?
Because he thinks it's not important in the greater scheme of things?

I guess when you've worked that out you might be able to work out how to deal with it.

I've no idea why he does it. If i ask him, however nicely, he says 'i just hadn't got round to it yet'

I really think it just doesn't feature on his radar.

It's other stuff to do with tidying up after himself too. Not the big stuff.

For example, he will do some ironing, then leave the iron and board in the lounge, and the ironed clothes on the bed.
When he goes to bed he puts the clothes on the floor. then over then next few days the pile gets knocked and kicked, and dirty clothes get thrown on top of it, till it all gets put back in the wash cos its impossible to tell what is clean.

When I iron, I put the iron and board away, and the clothes in the wardrobe.

It's like he does half a job then stops.

He cooks, much more often that I do, but never ever washes up. When I cook, I do the washing up too, and put the stuff away once it is dry.

grrrrr.
I don't think there is any bad intention behind it, it could be lazyness, or arrogance, i just don't know.

Well it sounds to me as though he doesn't actually think it's his job and is just making a bit of an effort to keep you quiet but deep down has no intention of making things work.

Mine's the same, I want to leave him now, it's never got better sorry to say. Over the years it's ended up that I have left his shit to him and it piles up but it impacts on our space and our lives. Knowing that I will NEVER do his ironing and NEVER clean up after he's pretended to do the washing up and NEVER wipe up his coffee spills has helped a little but in principle he still thinks it's not his job and it creeps back and just causes emotional exhaustion as hopes and expectations are regularly dashed.

I complain that he is behaving like a teenager but it's far more serious than that, he isn't, he's holding down a job like an adult, going out and entertaining himself like an adult, driving and filling in forms like an adult. Deep down he does it to ensure I am, in his eyes at least, a lesser being than he is and that's why I'm leaving.

It could be laziness or arrogance, or it could simply be 20-30 years of habit. You do it one way, he does it another way (presumably left own his own for a week he would wash up eventually?). Does it make one of you right and one of you wrong in your approach or are they just different?

I totally understand that other people's habits and ways of doing things can be really annoying, particularly if you perceive that your preferred way is more hygienic or efficient.

Your op says that you are upset about leaving me go be the skivvy, doing all the jobs he thinks are beneath him Is that why he doesn't do it, or is it your interpretation?

I think this is very, very difficult. The chances are he's not doing it deliberately - he just doesn't 'see' the mess or its significance for you. But that doesn't make it okay for him to continue like this.

People CAN learn to do jobs properly, the same way as they can learn a new technique in baking or DIY or whatever. But it takes two things. Firstly, a recognition of the impact that the problem is causing, and secondly a desire to change. The first is the breakthrough: it's easy to see a bunch of crumbs as trivial, until you have to take the time to sort them out along with the umpteen other things there are to do. I know a marriage where the last straw was the fact that the guy couldn't be arsed to put the lid on the toothpaste, ever. It became a sign of his lack of respect for his wife, and she got sick of wiping the little circles off the sink and ended up having an affair!!

Your first issue is getting DH onside. He sounds like a nice guy, and willing to cooperate, so maybe if you sit him down and speak to him very gently and calmly and kindly about the impact this is having on your relationship and to ask for his cooperation in making it better, he will actually listen. However, you then need to create more of a system of chores where he does the same thing and learns to do it well - and you specify exactly what constitutes a job 'being done' - e.g. when you make sandwiches, the surface has to be wiped afterwards. The difficult thing is that this is almost like a training programme and will likely feel annoying and offensive to him, so you need to go really gently!

The other thing that might help is gadgets. I couldn't get DH to get the side cleaned in the kitchen AT ALL. He'd try, but I could still see crumbs, and he just couldn't. Then I bought a handheld steamcleaner, and leave him to it. I can hear him pretending to be Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible with it, and the surface is sparkling afterwards. A robot hoover is also a good thing in this regard.

Unfortunately some people just don't notice the mess and/or don't think it is a big deal. You can try and get him to change / notice but it will be an uphill struggle I expect.

(as long it isn't the two middle reasons from 'RosesAreMyFavourite' which makes it something else)

Venusandmars

That's just BS. Sorry.

I don't think it's bullshit, Roses. You have to look at the intention, which may not - or may! - be how op perceives it.

That said, it is a major deal breaker.

Thanks everyone, I'm not ignoring you all, just incredibly busy today.

I'm off to work now, where I can't access mumsnet so I'll be back on the thread later.

Well, perhaps my moaning to him this morning has made a bit of difference.

Whilst I was doing DS's bed time, DH washed up every single thing!

Not just some of it, not just 'leaving it to soak', actual, real life, washing up.