Made a tiny mistake. The cherry on top of enormous mistakes.

[DarkEarth]

I lied to my wife. The lie was inconsequential, but due to my history of lying about money, it seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Without wanting to sound narcissistic, I am a hardworking, giving, generous guy. I am just bad with cash. Skipping bills, frivilous spending, etc. Suppose my question is, how do I get DW to trust me with money? She suggested my wages being paid into her account, but that seems to be a spiral of mistrust waiting to happen. If I never have money, I can never be trusted with it. For clarification, DW can be just as frivolous but simply cannot admit to being wrong. Ever.

Yeah...I'm guessing he won't spot that Lweji

It doesn't have to be all or nothing with handing over your wages. Why don't you open a joint bank account and each pay in equal amounts (I assume your wife works?) or if not completely equal then whatever amount you both deem to be fair to take care of your joint outgoings each month, plus a bit of a float for saving, then just keep an agreed amount of spending money back each week/month for yourself?

If you still have credit cards then cut them up and focus on paying down any balance on the cards and any outstanding loans.

The last thing I'd want is a joint account with a liar who is bad with money!

You have trust issues. You can't trust her to take care of the finances because you're so bad at it and you can't trust her with the truth.

The only way to gain her trust is to prove over a long period of time you can be responsible with money and she can take you at your word because you don't lie.

My ex used to lie 'because I knew you would be pissed off if I told you x, y z'
I was pissed off because he lied!!! It may seem inconsequential to you but if he lied about basic stuff what else could he lie about ? An awful lot it turned out.
If I were your wife I would seriously reconsider the marriage.

OP - until people actually know what the enormous mistakes entailed, and what the cherry was - it is hard to actually advise. If you can't tell the truth to complete strangers, then how do you expect people to honestly advise you?

The lack of information on here might well be indicative to the overall picture of your inability to be honest. Either to yourself or others.

I had a friend whose DH was "bad with money." He had been in debt when they met so I guess that, yes, he was. She was financially secure. All his money was paid into her account and she gave him pocket money. She once, totally outraged on the wife's behalf, told me about a couple she knew where the man controlled all the money and gave his DW pocket money - she looked stunned when I pointed out that it was exactly what she did with her DH, then she rallied and said it was different because her DH had asked her to do that. Oh kay . . .

I once drove for 45 mins to be with her as she was in such rage and despair at his spending money on stupid little things that she thought they were going to split up over it and she was distraught. When I got to her house she had just had new carpets. "Nice carpets DFriend." "Ooh yeah got them at xxx!" - there was no "I'd never have got these if I'd known what he was spending" and TBH what the H had spent was a fraction of what the carpet would have cost. Maybe she was particularly sensitive to splashing out at that time because they had just had such a big outlay, I dunno.

Well anyway. They are not still together.

'How do I get my wife to trust me with money' Reads as ' how do I get her to stop annoying me and talking about money, so I can carry on overspending as usual'

I have no advice to help you with that

"the truth, in my experience, seldom gives happiness"

Perhaps you need to look a bit harder, and live a life that does bring happiness. Really bring it. Not spin and lies to cover up a series of incidents that you already know bring unhappiness.

This is an opportunity, possibly your last, to change your substance.

What sort of person do you want to be?

The lie was inconsequential... - no, not possible. Lies are never inconsequential. They're the core of everything. As you're finding out, because she DOESN'T TRUST YOU and that's now your problem!

If you don't have trust, you have NOTHING.

I lie because I want her to be happy and the truth, in my experience, seldom gives happiness.

• yup, if you live your life doing shitty things, constantly undermining the relationship through bad financial management, lying, and generally acting like a tit, then yes the truth of that is bad. You're looking at it the wrong way. If you ACTED better, then the truth would look good, yes? Try that.

You are never, ever going to find yourself in a good, honest, strong relationship while you see life like this. Never. You're never going to be happy, and neither are your partners.

Another unbiased thread.?! What's the deal with the hate on here lately.

Made a tiny mistake. The cherry on top of enormous mistakes

Which could also be translated as 'the straw that broke the camel's back.

As for the truth not bringing happiness, I'd rather a spendthrift than a liar (who in this instance sounds like both)

Oh, reread and see you used that phrase yourself. Seems to me you already know the answers. Pay bills instead of buying frivolous stuff. Tell the truth. Build up Trust by your actions.
Your current behaviour sounds very immature and no one likes being let down.

Option 1
Joint account into which your wages (and your wife's) get paid.
Bills and all shared expenses come out of joint account by direct debit/standing order.
A fixed amount monthly is paid into your (and your wife's) own PERSONAL accounts for your own, personal spending.

Option 2
Joint account into which 2/3 or 3/4 your wages (and your wife's) get paid [or an agreed amount from which all household expenses can be met, jointly]
The remainder of money in your own PERSONAL account is for you to spend

Do NOT use the debit card for spending. Withdraw a fixed amount of cash weekly/monthly and ONLY use this.

I see what BalloonSlayer is saying, I think, and I was trying to be unbiased, hence my questions, but the OP was definitely cagey and didn't do himself any favours so that people could be unbiased.
From what he says he deserves a bollocking by his wife and here.

Lweji I am not sure I was trying to say anything much at all really!

I guess the OP's situation, what little he revealed of it, made me think of my friend and her ex. It could have been him posting. The funny thing is that she was my friend, not him, and I only ever got her side of the story, yet it was him I always felt sorry for.

I wonder what the Mumsnet Jury would have made of my friend. Was she being a sensible modern woman protecting herself from her financially feckless husband? Or was she financially abusive? Or was he a cocklodger and she was clever enough to see straight through him?

You want her to trust you with money when the whole point is you can't be trusted with money.

I think she's actually being more than fair suggesting you give her your wages and she pays everything given the circumstances. A lot of people would walk away.

You can't trust a liar because well they lie.

Money is my deal breaker. I would never stay in a relationship with someone who skipped bills for frivolous spending.

I watched what sever of these types of men did to my mum.

You sound like my ex. All monies were paid into joint account. From joint account i paid all bills as he wouldnt sort them, he found it "too stressful". The money never lasted long, he would sign up to expensive phone contracts which we were obviously stuck with, he would easily spend £20 in a day on "snacks and drinks" at work, despite taking his lunch with him. He ran up catalogue debts on his grans catalogie account buying clothes. He would buy a new outfit every time he was invited out, but would always choses the most expensive jeans and shirt, then he would spend £100 on the night out.
Meanwhile, i clothed the children and myself from Freecycle and charity shops. I never went out with friends. I never bought treats for the kids. And i still had to borrow money for rent and food. In the end i ran up my credit card, as i had to use it to buy food. All the while, any spending at all by me was questioned, criticised.
Im a lone parent now, on benefits. Im so much better off, because i know that if im not spending, the money will still be there, nobody is spending it on 5 cans of red bulls, 3 bags of crisps, 2 mars bars, a burger van burger and £75 worth of tools from fucking Snap-On. Last week i bought 2 dresses in the sale at Asda, one cost £3, the other £5. I never could have done that before. I remember the first time i bought myself something frivolous after i left him. I called my new partner, slightly hysterical, because i bought cheap make up and make up brushes costing something like £18 in total. I felt sick and panicky for days. Now i wander into Lush and buy bath stuff or into Waterstones and buy books, and it is easy.
If a new partner did what OP has, they would see the door.

I'd suggest that you get a joint account and agree an amount to be paid into it each month.

Also, buy YNAB (about £30) -it is an envelope budgeting system. Make categories for each bill you have and allocate money to that category. Do it together. THEN PAY THE BILL. Your wife will be able to see thatyou understand that the bills must be paid.

the thing which rings alarm bells for me here wrt the wife is the fact she wants the op's money to be paid into her account.

I think if a woman posted here that her h demanded she pay her wages into his account, regardless of how wreckless she was with money, people would have no qualms in telling her that he was being controlling.

I understand that in some relationships one partner is less trustworthy with money and the other partner may take responsibility for dealing with bills etc, but that is a vast difference from demanding they pay their money into your own bank account, an account they wouldn't have access to if she were to decide to up and leave tomorrow, and to be given an allowance...

I think the op has been given an unnecessarily hard time on here. And actually, while he may have done some things wrong wrt money, sometimes if you are being controlled to the enth degree lying may seem like the only way to not provoke yet another argument...

Thing is we just don't know what has happened in this relationship. But the op has admitted he is wreckless with money but he the dw sounds controlling in the extreme.

Op - if you're still reading - the answers are very simple. bills can be paid on direct debit or standing order. Go to the bank or online and set them up, it's very simple. All my bills go out before the 5th of the month apart from my mobile which goes out later. That way I know exactly what money is left and how much I have at my disposal for e.g. food, clothes, ds' school dinners account etc and unforeseen circumstances. The only bill which doesn't go out on a direct debit is my credit card because I alter the repayment each month depending on how much I can afford to repay. If you both save for e.g. holidays then set up a joint savings account into which you each pay an amount of money. Make it a restricted account which you cannot withdraw from without both signatures that way once the money is there it can't be removed by either of you. And what is left keep for your own spending. If you have a credit card cut it up and pay it down. Don't just make the minimum repayments, make as much repayment as you can each month. If it means you have to go without something then so be it. The more money you owe on your cards the more interest you are paying so that is essentially dead money. Once the card bill has gone live on the money in your account. You don't need a credit card....

And when it comes to wreckless spending adopt the following mantra:

Do I need it?
Can I afford it?
Can I do without it?

If the answers to questions 1 or 2 are no then don't buy it. If the answer to question 3 is yes don't buy it. But generally you find that the answers to questions 1 and 2 will be no and 3 will be yes thus giving you your answer.

"She suggested my wages being paid into her account, but that seems to be a spiral of mistrust waiting to happen. If I never have money, I can never be trusted with it."

Actually, I would say the opposite - and I think you are making excuses to justify your continued bad behaviour. Think of an affair - would you say 'Oh, I need to be around the OW all the time so that I can demonstrate the fact that I am trustworthy'? Of course not. The mature and sensible thing to do it to put temptation well out of reach, to deal with the way that you are addicted to spending, and THEN (and only then) to take back some control.

Put the money in your wife's account. Let her manage it for a couple of years, and then - when you've weaned yourself off frittering the grocery money away on stupid stuff - take some control back. Right now, you've betrayed your wife and you owe it to her to put temptation out of reach.

My H (now ex but for other reasons) is a big spender. He earns lots of money but saw it as 'his' so would treat himself - and me - very regularly to lavish unnecessary things. It didn't make us go without, and we weren't short, but it was the absence of consultation that drove me bonkers. I would pay the bills, buy the children's clothes, and run the house out of a joint account, so I found it hard to articulate what was wrong for a long time. The problem was that there was an imbalance in the decision making. I didn't want surprises. Even if you have pots of cash, there has to be a consensus.

My STBXH is rather like you. First it was just small things. Like not being able to afford to put extra gas on during the snowy season. Then it was big red eviction notices as he'd not paid the rent, but couldn't account for what he'd actually spent it on. Then it was numerous CCJs for non payment of Council Tax (that he hid from me) Despite this, and many other lies/stupid spending, I took him back on several occasions, yet he was always reluctant to pay any of the bills and expected the tax credits to cover all of our bills and then all of his ridiculous spending on various gadgets. I wasn't "allowed" to get a job of my own because apparently that would have dented his male "provider" pride because none payment of two of the most important bills was being an excellent provider and so I was stuck because I didn't want to be on benefits. About 7 weeks ago I decided I'd rather be on benefits than live with a financial and abusive arse hole like him.

Financial and emotionally/mentally abusive*

And I hope your poor downtrodden wife sees the light soon too, if she hasn't already.