Hi All, this is going to be a really long weird one; but I can't really discuss it with anyone because I fear putting them in the middle.
I come from 5 Siblings. (All five of us share a father). My older brother was raised by an aunt, this was done against my fathers will. My fathers family has always regarded me as the 'bastard' child because my parents were not married when they had me...and later some of my step mothers family also began to take that stance. I did the only thing I could do as my only defence, kept my head up and let it roll off.
I was raised by my father and stepmother. My father loves his children and my stepmother has raised me as her own, and is my mother in every other sense of the word. My father and step mother have three children between them. I was 4.5 when my brother was born and we have never gotten along. I am not the only person he doesn't get along with. He has similar relationships with both of my sisters. He alienated them both in different ways.
My sisters and I are on the best of terms and have always been inseparable. All three of us live close by and have always got along.
As we've gotten older, the relationship between us (the sisters) and our brother has become more and more acrimonious.
When I married, he caused all sorts of trouble with stealing money, abusive language and damage to whatever he could. (stole some wedding jewellery which he pawned off before the wedding)--Smashed a few cartons of eggs into my wedding dress (which was in one of those hangy bags the night before my wedding). I could go on and on, but I always kept my cool. I would be upset, I cried quite a lot;I did what I always did, confront him and tell him how much it hurt me. How awful his behaviour was and he always said the same awful things to me about not being family etc. I know that my own mother abandoned me, and that my step mother had no obligation to care for me and raise me the way she has. I am grateful to her.
This behaviour wasn't unusual for him, this behaviour wasn't new. Our parents didn't know what to say, he always just got away with it. My stepmother would always get upset with me tattling, and ask me if I was asking her to choose between her children. I felt betrayed, but also always felt like it was a battle not worth fighting because we had never got along anyway and we most likely never would. (Not that I hadn't tried; every time I did he would just do something to hurt me more).
When I had my first child, my brother would poke fun at the name my husband and I picked and would say very hurtful things about us and the choices we made. I did the thing I always do, and let it just roll off of me. When my child was diagnosed with special needs, my brother then began telling family members all sorts of things to suggest I had caused my child his difficulties.
Obviously, this is was/is hurtful but they are all intelligent enough to know it can't be true and at the same time they've known me all of my life; so if they judge me fairly (on my own merit--and how I've been all my life towards them, they know I'm not an awful person). I am a confident, happy and happy go lucky kind of woman. I can't do shouting matches or fight back; I never feel like I have to.
Regardless of, that was the last time I went home. I promised myself that I would never put myself in a position for my children to see me treated badly by my brother and if not a single family member was willing to stand up for me--because when he starts and he gets a crowd (the cousins and aunts and uncles who have always viewed me as 'the bastard) I always end up in a heaving crying mess, because the tirade he leads is always vicious and I can't escape it. Awful doesn't begin to describe it. I decided that the best way to deal with this was to just remove myself from ever becoming vulnerable to a situation like this ever again.
He got married a few months back and I was invited, my mother begged me to come. I couldn't have gone even if I had wanted. I was given the least amount of notice, there was too much going on at work, my children and my husband was too busy anyway. I sent the nicest email possible wishing the couple my very best. He sent back the most hateful email I have ever read. It was full of accusations of me poisoning the entire family against him.
My sisters couldn't attend either, one had exams at University and the other was doing some mandatory travel for work.
Now my brother and his wife are expecting their first child. I am genuinely happy for them. I do wish him a good life, and I hope he gets over whatever his problem is. I also am thrilled about becoming an aunt. I know that I will not have any relationship with this child--but I find myself feeling love at the idea of a niece/nephew. I have resolved within myself that obviously I cannot have a relationship with this child, but I thought perhaps I could send gifts through my mother/sisters and they could take the credit. This is all I am willing to do.
However, (and here is the actual problem) my (step)mother has said her only wish in this world is that her 4 children get along and have a loving and lasting relationship. This hurts me, because she herself wont stand up and see that I have never caused any trouble with my brother, nor have I ever retaliated. My sisters don't want to get caught up in my drama because they feel like they have their own issues with him and they are done with it all.
I feel like my parents shouldn't turn a blind eye to his behaviour, that they needn't choose a side but at least see my distance as self preservation and not pretend like I'm the one making things difficult. I also don't like how I'm blamed for his poor relationship with my sisters. I find it unfair and very very sad. This brings quite a lot of anxiety to me. What other options do I have?