Sister in law wants to be mum

[JosieJosie123]

Hi could anyone offer me advice on how to handle my sister-in-law. She is a lovely person but she has a side to her, and has admitted she can easily manipulate people to get what she wants.
My problem is she has homed in on my daughter, who is now 8 months old. When I was pregnant she told me my baby would be " like her surrogate daughter". I was a little shocked and didn't say anything. Following on from this she has made various comments about my daughter having a dummy, "she would rather get to the route cause of why she is crying", also that she didn't believe me when I said my daughter had a slight intolerance to cows milk, that she should be over her colic etc.
She has also allocated a room in her house for when my daughter stops at hers...she lives 5 mins down the road. I have said no to this, so she has begun to work on my OH to change his mind. Initially he was supportive but has said that when the baby is 2 she can look after her.
Most recently we went out, and she said "I wonder if people will think the baby is mine".
To make things worse my mother in law says my daughter has my SiLs eyes and for the first 5 months insisted that everything was "just like her daughters"

I'm quite a passive person, with an inner lioness but have a fear that she will eventually turn my daughter against me. It sounds so silly to write this but I can't sleep thinking of it.

She won't turn your daughter against you. Wait until your DD spits ( my beloved GS did this recently, picked up from nursery) your SIL will soon go off the baby. Or says I am busy Auntie can you go away please and come back later. ( again a GS said this to me recently, I found it amusing. )

Don't feel so threatened Sweetie, you will always be your her mum and she will never like her Aunt more than you.

I had to look after my GD because her Mum had dreadful PND. I fed her during the night and I love her with all my heart and lived with them for two months as the main carer, but now her DM has recovered she prefers her DM to me. Children like the familiar.

The difference between you and your SIL and your DD is that your DD is a blood relative of hers and you are not.

Don't let jealousy spoil your DDs relationships with your husband's family either.
When you are on your fourth child you might be glad that DD has gone down the road to her Aunts, so that you can have some peace and quiet.

Otherwise I would move hundreds of miles away and then you won't have the problem but you won't have the support either.

Sorry, I meant to add some advice about handling your SIL as well. You probably know that whatever you say to her will be interpreted as jealousy. Unless you say it in a particular way. It is called being assertive.
Being aggressive is saying ' what you are saying to me is shite' being assertive is saying' what an interesting point of view, but i think differently'

if you don't start asserting yourself soon, you are going to be really unwell. You are already not sleeping worrying about something that may not happen. You so sound as though you lack confidence.

There was always a possibility that your baby might look like your MIL? Or your DHs side of the family. My eldest is the spit of my crazy MIL. ( only in looks)
You are probably also tired. And when we are tired things get out of proportion. A Mindful course would help with your anxiety as well. ( through your GP)

Next time she says anything that you don't like, say ' mmmm interesting but I don't agree. I am sure you don't mind if I want to do things my way, do you? What can she say to that ? Nothing. That should shut her up.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I should just brush it off and be a bit more assertive, just never want to offend anyone
If that fails ill house hunt
I'll keep reading your reply to put things into perspective x

Aw, you do sound really lovely, but a bit down. No surprise really as you are going through a hard and stressful time of your life.
I don't think you should brush critism off though. I think anything that smacks of critism should be robustly refuted.

You are a new mum and from what you have said your SIl has no children, so what the heck does she know about dummies or whatever? All mine had dummies and I thought they were a Godsend during the three month colic

Your SIL sounds very enthusiatic about your DD. Naturally enough, because they are adorable. However she isn't up at night having her sleep wrecked is she? Maybe one night being up half the night would cure her of wanting your DD to stay.

She may be jealous of you as well. You may find this idea laughable. But....
One of my SIls has from the beginning been a bit prickly, and as the years have gone by she has revealed to me that she has always been jealous of me. This came as an astonishing surprise to me. I was always a bit in awe of her as I thought she was cleverer. There are so many layers to a human relationship. I always thought she was a bit haughty and in fact she was in awe of me. Wow.
You are married to her beloved brother and you now have a beautiful baby, what's not to be jealous of?
Be reassurred, if you treat your DD as you would like to be treated, namely with patience and respect, there is no one that she is going to love more.
Hugs