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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice needed no sex marriage

24 replies

Worriedowl1 · 23/03/2015 15:12

I have no one to talk to at all. My husband is my best friend and we have no family around us. For a few years sex has been few and far between. DH always tired and working and I notice that even after working away for a few days or Monday- Friday. He still wasn't interested in sex. I was patient and didn't put any pressure on. Then I discovered pornography on his phone, we spoke about and I said how I felt, upset, ignored etc and he said he would delete it so the months passed no change and still pornography on the phone but hid in a file. Still the months roll on and then I put my cards on the table and we talked everything out. We were both very upset and had a real heart to heart. He said he hadn't realised how upset it had made me and how close he had come to losing me and all the pornography would stop etc. now 3 years down the line and we are still very close and affectionate but he has started to suffer with ED so again no sex. He goes to bed at 9.30 everynight as he is falling asleep on the settee and I stay up until around midnight. I find it upsetting lying next to him. My feelings or desire has never changed. I had just resigned myself to the fact we would not have sex again. I'm 42 amd he is 39. The thought devestates me but I cannot imagine my life with out him. I went away for the night on Friday with my daughters leaving him home with our son. And Sunday I discovered the history for Friday night on our shared laptop was porn site, porn down loads and live web cams. I'm destroyed. In total this has been going on around 6 years. i don't think I have the strength to leave but feel so alone and betrayed. I dread telling anyone. I don't know what to do. The loneliness is crippling. I cannot think straight.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 23/03/2015 15:24

Oh bless you. You sound so sad and distraught. (Not surprising in your circumstances)

He didn't even bother to clear his browsing history. It's like he's nodding and agreeing with you, but then completely disregarding your feelings regarding the porn. Time and time again. And now he's stepped it up a notch, with live webcamming.

Can you continue in such a relationship? I couldn't.

RubbishMantra · 23/03/2015 15:26

Oh, and he's not your best friend. Friends don't treat their friends like shit and hurt them.

Cherryapple1 · 23/03/2015 15:29

I disagree - you can leave, and leaving would be far better than the loneliness of this marriage. But it isn't a marriage is it. He is disloyal and lying about it. How can you ever trust him now. He isn't going to stop using porn. If this is your dealbreaker then your only choice is to leave.

Fairy13 · 23/03/2015 15:33

I agree that this would feel like a betrayal to me. I couldn't be in a relationship without sex either but to me, the unwillingness to make that effort with you and then going against your wishes with the porn thing.

I think I would be very honest that this could be a deal breaker. I would then book in with relate and also a sex therapist, and make continuing the relationship dependent on him attending and engaging.

DrMorbius · 23/03/2015 15:34

Ask him to show you the porn, and then ask him to articulate why (exactly) he is downloading/watching the porn (by that I mean I assume he is not watching your average BJ's/PIV porn). Sorry but this has be to be a very graphic discussion. Select some examples from his porn downloads. Tell him he needs to make you understand why he will not have sex with you, but will regularly masturbate to satisfy his own needs.

If the porn is regular BJ's/PIV porn, the next step is vastly different than if it is your "regular" porn.
PS/ by using the term "regular" I am not minimising the use of porn, its just a phrase to get my point across.

DrMorbius · 23/03/2015 15:36
  • the next step is vastly different if it is NOT your "regular" porn.
RubbishMantra · 23/03/2015 15:37

Sorry, me again! Smile

"we spoke about and I said how I felt, upset, ignored etc"

"He said he hadn't realised how upset it had made me"

But you'd told him how upset it made you. He sounds awful. Arsehole. You deserve a better life than this, love.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2015 15:40

the live webcams would be the deal breaker for me

he refuses sex with you but then logs on (and pays?) to get other women to do what he asks

he has no respect for women, and he has no respect for you

a man that makes a clear choice between a living, breathing woman he is supposed to love and cold, soul less wanking over some young girl is no man at all

Cherryapple1 · 23/03/2015 15:42

I most certainly would not ask him to show you the porn. I mean why should you? That makes you complicit in something you cannot condone. Stop trying to understand and justify what he is doing and think about your life without porn, or him and his rejection of you, in it.

Worriedowl1 · 23/03/2015 15:45

He said it was on his history from an illegal down load site where we sometime down load films and music and yes adds do flash up but he said they down load them selves. "Illegal spamming and downloads".
As for not listening to me , he's not a talker or in touch with his emotions , not a deep thinker, just sails along oblivious.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 23/03/2015 15:47

Are you a bloke by any chance DrMorbius Wink

AnyFucker · 23/03/2015 15:47

for just sails along oblivious substitute doesn't give a crap if he hurts you

Worriedowl1 · 23/03/2015 15:50

@anyfucker you seem angrier than me.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/03/2015 15:50

He knows sex is important to you but doesn't seek medical help. He knows how rejected you feel and that porn makes this worse yet he continues to do whatever the hell he wants with my thoughts for you and your needs.

That's not what a best friend would do.

pocketsaviour · 23/03/2015 15:57

LOL at the "a website downloaded it for me!" threadbare excuse.

It's easy enough to disprove this: clear his history, then ask him to "retrace his steps".

Sadly, not only are you married to someone who doesn't give a shit about your needs, but he is also so stupid and lazy that he doesn't even bother covering his tracks.

I am not anti-porn by any means (which makes me a bit of a rarity on this site Grin ) but he is neglecting your needs while satisfying his own. It's the height of selfishness.

HelenaDove · 23/03/2015 16:03

The reason AF seems angrier than you OP is that we see this on these boards time and time again.

Men who not only use porn but expect their wives to go without sex and/or affection because after all women arent supossed to like sex anyway Hmm

Because womens needs arent seen as important.

RubbishMantra · 23/03/2015 16:07

I use film download sites, but don't get porn and webcams appearing on my lappy.

sisterofmercy · 23/03/2015 16:26

Me too. Never happened to me either. He lies.

DrMorbius · 23/03/2015 16:30

RubbishMantra - I am a bloke. I was not saying, show you the porn in some sexual way. My meaning was that there is obviously some very deep issues here. Just asking the man what type of porn he was watching, in all probability will not reveal what he is watching. Especially if it is something he wishes to hide.

Jackieharris · 23/03/2015 16:39

He has an addiction that is causing you suffering. He has known for years that his behaviour is hurting you but has chosen time and time again to continue.

He cares more about his addiction than you.

I don't see how a relationship can recover from this kind of lack of respect and betrayal and the infidelity of the web camming.

Another 30 year of this-is that what you want? He is never going to change. He doesn't want to. You need to cut your losses and move on.

Drew64 · 23/03/2015 16:41

My DW and I use porn sites and not even those sites download anything onto our laptop!

This, as others have aluded to is an age old problem that is seen all the time on this site.

He obviously can't help himself and the porn has most probably desensitised him to real sex.

At the risk of being contavercial;

It's not hard to a) hide your browsing history...and b) delete it after
Why has he not done this?

Does he want to be found out?
Maybe this is a cry for help?

I don't know if there are any proffessionals that can help him with this but he may want to try looking for help because he can't help himself.

If this is a dealbreaker for you then he is going to learn the hard way, one way or another he needs to get it under control and address his issues.

Worriedowl1 · 23/03/2015 16:55

I don't think he deleted it because we use separate accounts on the same laptop. I went on and I use my history to access some sites I regularly use for a course I'm doing. I did this and saw the few sites on the history. All for Friday night. IF I'm honest it's the lies and feeling of betrayal. Just say " I look at pornography sometimes " it is always usual , nothing wierd stuff and no password/ credit card stuff. The webcam was more of a view cam. He wasn't interacting. Not that it makes a difference. I don't understand the secrecy. I did wonder if the being found out led to the ED through feeling guilty. We have only been in this relationship and we both have not had other partners. He doesn't go out. Work and home and we spend weekends together.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 23/03/2015 17:43

The ED is likely to be from the "death grip" = wanking himself off very tightly while watching porn.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2015 18:05

Yes, op, I am angry for you

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