DP won't accept it's over

[catsandstuff]

Hi all,

DP & I have been together just over 4 years, living together for 3. We're both 24 if that makes a difference.

For the last 6-9 months I have wanted out. I don't have any romantic feelings towards him, we don't have an intimate relationship and you could probably best describe our relationship as friends who live together.

I broke up with him at Christmas, poor timing I know, and he got a bit hysterical. Calling me at all hours, forcing me to give it another try. Stupidly, I did and here we are again.

On Saturday we had a discussion and both accepted our relationship had run its course. I told him that as much as care for him, I can't do this for the rest of my life and I need to start again. He believes i've changed (i've lost quite a bit of weight recently, purely for myself but he thinks otherwise) which I suppose has made him more accepting of the decision this time round.

Whilst we live together, its only my name on the tenancy. Ideally, i'd want to keep the house for as long as i could, bringing in a housemate if i needed to.

He won't leave. He said he needs time to process everything (we have pets that he's upset about leaving), it will take a while and 'why should he leave if its me ending it'. I get what he's saying, but ultimately, it's my house.

I don't want to start getting hasty and acting like a heartless bitch, but what can I do? how do I get the ball rolling? (he has somewhere to stay, his parents live 2 minutes away)

Thanks

If he's got somewhere to stay very close by I'd be inclined to take his stuff round there and change the locks. Dragging it out will do no-one any favours.

It's unacceptable for him to refuse to leave. Why should he leave? I'd reply to this with 'because it's my house and i've asked you to'. He is, in effect, now a trespasser.

Try a bit of heartless bitch. For 9 months you have been tryingto break up?? You need to get this man out of your home. He can heal on his own, somewhere else. Tell his parents to come fetch him home!

He's a lodger with very few rights. Give him a month's notice and then change the locks. Honestly you are doing him a favour. A month is quite enough and any longer dithering is just in terms of him moving on.

Give him written reasonable notice

'why should he leave if its me ending it'. I get what he's saying,

Uhhh... you do? Because he's making it sound like ending a relationship is something you are somehow not entitled to do, so you therefore somehow now "owe" him.

You don't.

Any person can end a relationship at any time, for whatever reason. Yes, he can be hurt. But to imply that you now owe him continued lodging...? Nope. He is denying you your right to end your relationship. That, with the crying and wailing he displayed at Christmas when you first dumped him, tells me that he's going to be quite a barnacle. He's not processing his feelings: he's digging his heels in.

You're not being a heartless bitch. The relationship is over. Living together is no longer on the cards. Give him written notice.

I would give him 28 days' written notice and let him know you'll be making his life a living hell for every one of those 28 days.

Does he have any kind of a point about the pets? Can you come to some amicable arrangement about them eg he gets the hamsters, you get the guinea pigs; one cat goes with him, the other stays with you? My guess is that the pet issue is a bit of an excuse, mind you.

RandomNPC, I am sorry for your (then) heartbreak but I have to say you took what sounds like a healthy decision, to move out rather than hang on in the same space as someone who didn't want to be with you. I believe everyone stands a better chance of moving on and getting over it that way.

You are entitled to leave the relationship. You do not owe him a relationship with you.

If it is only your name on the tenancy then you can legally force him to leave.

I suggest that you find a way to remove your emotions from it and do what is necessary to remove him from your home.

You don't want to be with him. You are allowed to not want to be with him and you do not need his permission, his acceptance or his agreement. You don't belong to him.

You need to be kind but firm.

what's the rental situation like where you live? If it's easy enough to find somewhere, he should be out. He can stay with his folks for a bit if he has to. 28 days notice, written and be firm.

Thanks everyone, really helpful responses .

I know what needs doing, I just hope he can motivate himself to leave as well without it being completely forced from my end, for his own sake.

Yes, be firm. And be careful and prepared: you may need back up. He's probably the sort who expects to get his way by blubbering and guilt-tripping, but he might get more tiresome than you expect. He might threaten to kill himself - if it's just talk, ignore, but if you think a staged attempt is in the offing, call the emergency services and hand him over to them. (A common one is 'Bwaaa, I've taaaaken an oooooooverdose' down the phone at 3am once you've actually got the tosser out of the house - it will have been two asprin and half a Lemsip). He might get physically aggressive, or simply assert that he is not going to leave - in either of these cases, you can call the police who will remove him and take his keys away.
Hopefully, he will retain a little dignity and self-respect and fuck off out of your life without too much more aggravation. Best of luck in getting rid.