It's March 2015 and the Stately Home is still open to visitors. Unfortunately I have not been able to make the links work; is it possible for one of you lovely people to do that?.
Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
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July 2014
October 2014
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.
This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)
So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
More helpful links:
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
Some books:
Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
But we took you to Stately Homes
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2015 10:59
I'm going to come on and let off steam/ask for some opinions on how to go forward with stepdad when I have time/energy to type. Long week. But just reading through this week has kept me saner. Friday night 
for everyone (or 
if you prefer).
Hello to all and happy weekend. Where did the sun go?! My son is visiting this weekend (he's 19) and I'm so happy that I don't feel any obligation to go and see my mum or have to anticipate a phone call next week saying "So what did you and son get up to. Is that a stupid question? I expect he just wanted to lay on your sofa and eat rather than actually helping you with anything" and other sarcastic and bitchy comments. (Because, you know, when my son comes to visit and I haven't seen him since Xmas, I should put him to work fetching and carrying and cleaning my bathroom, apparently, rather than actually spending time with him. 
)
How to block a number on an Android Smartphone
If the person is in your phone as a contact, then go to the People page, scroll down to find the person's details, then long press on their entry (don't go into their contact card, do this from the screen that shows all contacts.) When you long press, a list of actions will come up including Block Contact. Just press this.
To block texts as well, the easiest way is to go to your texts screen, press on the three little dots for the Menu, select "Block List" and enter their number or search their contact. You can also scroll through your list of texts, find one from them, and long press to get the "Block Contact" option.
Note: this still leaves the person in your contacts, so if you for any reason needed their details in future, they would still be available.
If the blocked person tries to call you, they will get your network operator's default message about "This person is not available" (the same message you get when you're out of signal.) If they text, the texts just go into a black hole, they won't get any notification.
HI runningvixen and welcome. have a 
and be gentle on yourself
hope everyone has a good weekend
Roland - You ARE acting out of character. You have not put up with her awful behaviour and have put distance between yourself and her. She has now escalated her behaviour in an attempt to get you back under control.
You are being gaslighted! She is trying to put this all on you and make out that you are mistaken, or it's all in your head. I am sure 'everyone' isn't worried about your behaviour - or wasn't, until your Mum started yapping about it to anyone who would listen.
YANBU.
There is no point in speaking or retaliating about her statement that she would never treat you like this - it is impossible for her to see your side of any argument, any experience etc, or heaven forbid - admit that she has ever done anything wrong. You are right - all she wants is contact from you so SHE can get HER emotional support and can also manipulate you back into the place she wants you.
Stick to your guns!
Things are blowing up here too. I wish I could go into detail but I'm still not brave enough 
. Basically there's been a massive over-reaction to something miniscule and I've been dragged into it. The main argument is with my DSis but for some reason I got the same angry messages sent to me. This morning was a cheery text about TV programme (which I ignored) as if everything yesterday didn't happen. My sister is very alone and very confused (has been chucked out of the house). And I'm thinking at some point attention is going to be turned to me (either as she'll stop getting a reaction out of DSis or she'll turn to me for support and notice it's not there) and I'm quite scared of what to do then.
I know I sound like a child but my mother is the one place I'm very weak. I've navigated countless relationship issues and successfully broken out of an abusive situation with my Dad (repeatedly... this time NC is for good, four years next month). With DM I love her very much and she's a lovely friend - as long as I say the right thing. Generally it's not a problem as it's not hard to just be sympathetic to how hard her life is, avoid the 'competition' and not bring up my childhood. On a day to day basis I have a relationship with her I can handle.
It's the big blow-ups where she is vicious and thoughtless and emotionally very manipulative. Situations like this currently have happened to me maybe 3 times. DSis is worried her relationship with DM is ruined forever (she still lives at home) but I said this has happened to me three times (one ended in a suicide attempt, another I moved out of family home) so don't worry about the long term effects, she's very good at pretending none of it ever happened.
For me, however, this kind of feels like the last straw (possibly because it's now beginning to affect siblings. Or possibly because this one wasn't even anything to do with me and I was still targeted when it was convenient). I feel helpless knowing that whether I play it quiet and placate everyone, or if I confront and tell the truth, it will make no long term change.
Possibly because I'm too scared to tell enough of the truth so it ill never be enough. If there's one thing DM conveys with every sentence it's 'my happiness is in your hands'. It's not just helplessness, it's also 'because I trust you' 'because your happiness comes first'. Very marty-y, very controlling. And very hard to call out. I feel as if I am the only thing in life holding her up. It leaves you unable to make the move that might destroy her happiness. Any conversation about step-dad (if it makes it past the immediate shut-down point) ends in her sincerely asking you if you want them to break up then. DSis is much stronger than me and called out emotional manipulation and abuse. I suppose what I'm asking (in a long tangential way, sorry!) is advice on how to break out of this cycle. How to be strong enough to be honest and trust myself, but trust that she won't break. Or, if the huge confrontation never comes (as I have had THREE different messages today asking if I fancy coffee, shops. All through other family members so don't want to shoot the messenger), what to do to stop it being like this never happened? I feel like I'm always practicing my speech for next time it gets like this - and that could be another year so it's exhausting. It's very limiting not being able to move either way because I feel trapped by her feelings. DBro is not involved and I know that any support I'm not giving will fall on his shoulders and I try so hard to protect them from my experiences.
Sorry if this makes no sense. My thoughts are not very ordered and there's so much backstory I'm too scared to give.
Any advice? An instruction manual would be nice 
Thanks Meerka
I know I can't protect my brother and sister forever. I suppose the problem is that they aren't young anymore so there's not much I can do. I'm often in the right place in my head to deal with everything but things are passed off as so normal that to react that way seems like an overreaction from me and it would hurt her so much that I decide it's not worth it. Then when it gets to the bigger things like this there's so much unsaid I don't know where to start and I'm throwing myself in at the deep end. I've done it in the past, though, and I'm really proud of the changes I've made but on the surface our day-to-day relationship always goes back to normal and it's exhausting. That's the part that I need to change now but it's the part I'm too scared to change.
I'll have a look at the book you suggested, thank you for that. Reading it is an overwhelming thought because I really struggle to not excuse her using emotion - but she's having such a hard time, but she loves me. All these things are true but also irrelevant. I even found myself feeling guilty today as she'd bought me such lovely christmas presents - what?!?!?? WHY?! Everything is very emotionally linked and it's very manipulative. I want to explain everything away as she's taught me to as that's where I'm comfortable. Looking at things in black and white is too real and I feel very guilty for feeling the way I do.
I really do sound as if all this is new to me, it's really not. I've repeated myself for years and gone round and round. There's just that final jump I haven't made because I know it involves the biggest change - looking at things clearly and unemotional and allowing our superficial relationship to change. About once I year I get to this point and back down. Thanks for reading anyway (even though I'm repeating myself and being a wimp) and for your advice. Hope everyone else is feeling alright. 
hello frith, welcome to the thread. I just wanted to say, that thing of your mother picking a fight about nothing cos she is annoyed you are going away and she's not invited ...been there
and head what a sad and lovely and confusing childhood. of course they are nice sometimes; all abusers are. I think you could try reading the toxic parents book syncs having a good think about no contact and what you hope contact with them to achieve. so sorry, you deserve so much more. I hope you continue to see painter man if you like him.
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