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Original poster

Friends criticising me for "Always being on the pull".

24 replies

Arsenal123 · 23/03/2015 10:06

I'm in my mid-late twenties and go out with friends regularly. We usually catch up for a few hours at a pub and then occasionally go to a bar with a dance floor. However none of them seem to want to do that anymore except me which is fine. So when 12pm arrives I'm ready to go home. This seemed to offend them as they responded with "Oh so since we can't do what you want to do you're going to stop drinking and go home". There is some truth in this but unless the pace picks up I don't see the point in staying out because I've already had a great catch up/laugh with them and get very tired; also, I can have a good time with them without alcohol I don't see why they feel offended if I have orange at the last pub we go to. For dancing sobriety side-lines me.

They also commented that "I'm always on the pull" which again is somewhat true but very unfair to represent it as "an obsession" which they did. I should point out that these opinions came from one rather controversial (prone to fall outs) character but one who is well liked amongst my friends. I like to dance and meet members of the opposite sex at some of the more lively bars but this has never lead to anything further than a kiss. I responded by saying that we had different interests and that we were different people at different stages in life and relationships. But I am not sure if his ill will towards me tainted the group's opinion. We'll see at the weekend.

I also tried my hand at online dating and said that I thought I saw someone I had messaged. The same member of my friends went up to them and asked them during while they were with another person, potentially a date?! Anyway, they blocked me the day after.

Should I be ashamed that I want intimacy? Is it so terrible? I don't mind going with the flow and skipping the lively bars but I want to call time on drink and home when I want to, not because of peer pressure. I love these friends but why are they giving me such a hard time!?

OP posts:

BreakingDad77 · 23/03/2015 10:34

You are not doing anything wrong are you a woman or man? - this guy sounds VERY weird - so its a mixed group your going out with.

I think thats the problem go out with a group of girls/men only.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2015 10:54

It sounds as if you want different things from what your group of friends wants. Do you have smaller groups of friends (or other single ones) with similar tastes in going out?

I can sort of understand where your friends are coming from because if your objective is to meet somebody, your eyes could be on likely candidates, possibly ignoring those you're with? That is irritating if it's happening but it's possibly not something that you're aware of? Could you approach the 'ringleader' and ask them what their problem is with you, straight out?

You love these friends but if you are not actively participating in the friendship group when you're out, it's not going to work. Do you love them just because they're available and up for going out? If so, time to expand your friendship group and find some like-minded friends to go out on the pull with, it will be more fun for you and won't jeopardise the group of friends that you love as you'll be more 'present' when you're with them.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/03/2015 10:57

Is the one shit-stirring a man? If he is, then he either wants you to be his woman (ie possession, and Know Your Place) or he thinks women in general should be passive and patient and wait for Mr Right rather than actively looking for a bit of fun.

etStykkeKage · 23/03/2015 11:25

No you're not doing anything wrong, so long as you're not looking over your friends' shoulders while they talk to you scouting for talent!!

I bet they are all settled with partners and are partly envious. You are free to date, on line, in real life, or to find new friends!

AGree with SGB, perhaps somebody is trying to rein you in a bit. Make you sit passively and wait to be chosen, oh, by him!?

DeliciousIrony · 23/03/2015 14:41

Midnight is a perfectly reasonable time to say you want to go home, surely pubs would shut about 1am anyway?
Some people like to sit around and drink and chat for hours (I usually do) but this can be quite tiring, and at a certain point you probably need to change the pace a bit to 'wake up' (like go dancing) or call it a night.

It you like to be 'on the pull' then that's up to you, and it really doesn't matter whether you like to just dance/flirt or go further. As long as you don't spend the whole evening on Tinder or immediately ditch your mates when you meet up, then who cares?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 23/03/2015 16:12

Just FYI, I believe the OP is a heterosexual man.

SmashingInAthleticWear · 23/03/2015 16:16

They sound boring and jealous! Come out with me instead ;)

FenellaFellorick · 23/03/2015 16:16

No. You shouldn't be ashamed. You are as entitled to want the sort of night out you want as they are to want what they want.

They want you to do their sort of night out - how often do they do what you like or is it always you who is expected to go along with them?

Where's the give and take? Why is it all about what they want?

Expand your social circle. Find other people to go out with. This way you have them to go out with when you want to sit and drink and chat and others to go out with when you want to dance and be open to the possibility of meeting up with some woman/man for a bit.

pocketsaviour · 23/03/2015 16:17

The fact that OP said they enjoy dancing makes me believe it's a woman! Have never known a straight white male who actually liked to dance, although I am sure some of this rare breed must exist somewhere!

Jackieharris · 23/03/2015 16:19

simillas really? If so wtf is he doing posting something like this on mn? I don't come on here to give 'pulling' tips to men!

BreakingDad77 · 23/03/2015 16:36

Pocketsaviour - I was like that in my younger years... I preferred to have just a few drinks and then dance the night away but never really met a group of similar peers, most guys want to be absolutely hammered by that point.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/03/2015 18:03

Hmm, missed the fact that OP might be male. OP, if you are a man, I don't mind or anything, it's just that it's more often women who are criticized for wanting to go on the pull.
Going on the pull is a good thing to do (assuming you are not decieving anyone such as a partner who believes that you are in a monogamous relationship with him/her). Lots of people like to go to clubs in the hope of finding someone who might be up for a sexual encounter.
The only time it's less good is if someone is impolite about it, approaching everyone with increasing desperation and stropping if rejected, but I didn't get any indication of that sort of thing from your post.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 23/03/2015 18:14

Playing devil's advocate here, but it is incredibly annoying to be out with someone who's constantly eyeing up men/women, and who drops out of the conversation as soon as a likely candidate appears.

You don't do that, do you?

ALaughAMinute · 23/03/2015 18:43

They sound like boring bastards, why do want to be friends with them anyway?

It's quite normal to want to go out on the pull at your age. Find yourself a friend who also wants to go out on the pull and enjoy yourself. Life is too fucking short!

WildBillfemale · 23/03/2015 21:16

Could you be like someone I know, miserable moany and negative until a man shows up then it's like a switch has been flicked and she puts on a dazzling performance?

Figwin · 24/03/2015 06:32

Jackieharris - I don't see why he should get different advice if he is a man and suddenly you interpret it as pulling tips.

Whether you are male/female, straight/gay it sounds like you need a different group of friends of a selection of said group to go "out out" with every now and then. Are there any others who enjoy the bars you want to go to? If you do that every 2 weeks one night then how can he be such a PITA about it? If so just jovially call him out on it, he might shut up

tribpot · 24/03/2015 06:41

So I got a bit confused in the first post but I think you only like to stay out past midnight if the evening is moving on to dancing rather than more drinking? That sounds reasonable to me - by that stage of the evening there's no decent catching up to be done anyway as everyone is too drunk. Surely you're allowed to go home whenever you want?

As to being on the pull all the time, I think this is very wearing when you're with a group of friends, and constantly you've got one eye roving the room looking for likely takers. Some evenings might be okay but not all.

It sounds like this stirrer has got a problem with you. Who is he and what does he gain from it?

lavenderhoney · 24/03/2015 07:23

You can go home whenever you want. And if you're looking for a partner then you are going to have to chat to people outside your friendship group.

It's normal. If you only see these friends once a qtr / not endless texting etc then you possibly need to concentrate on them more. If they are friends you see every week/ endless texting etc then catch up on what, really? Perhaps going to new places, using meetup to make new friends might help you. Go alone! Not with friends who don't like you making new friends!

Latara · 24/03/2015 08:35

I'm envious - I'm a decade older & my mates have stopped even wanting to go to the pub! One of them is single & I don't understand why she doesn't want to come out with me to bars, dancing & having fun but there you go.

When I was in my 20s / early 30s my social life was all about going to bars then onto clubs, getting drunk and 'pulling' even if that did just mean a kiss, maybe leading to getting the men's phone numbers and a date or even a relationship.
I really enjoyed it!

The men I knew did exactly the same except for when they had serious girlfriends.

If you are a man and the one criticising you is also male then I suggest he may be jealous of your ability to dance, have fun & pull girls.

Latara · 24/03/2015 08:37

I also suggest joining a dance group - anything where couples dance like salsa for example - men who can dance are very popular and you will meet lots of women! Plus you get to dance a lot obviously.

BlueberryWafer · 24/03/2015 08:45

I don't see why it makes a difference if the poster is male or female? "Gender equality" only seems to stretch as far as women on mumsnet at times...

OP I would suggest perhaps expanding our circle of friends to ones with similar interests so you have the option of nights out with them instead of your boring friends? Sounds like you're just trying to have a good night to me!

YonicScrewdriver · 24/03/2015 08:54

Blueberry

I think it matters only to the extent that comments on the feelings of his male friends and being demure might've been phrased differently.

OP, are all your friends in couples?

YonicScrewdriver · 24/03/2015 08:55

Ceroc is a good alternative to salsa if you like that idea?

Bluetonic123 · 25/03/2015 17:14

I think people in couples sometimes get a bit envious of the fact that single people are free to kiss people with impunity so make judgmental comments to make themselves feel better.

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