Co-sleeping with dad.

[MrSlant]

Sort of an AIBU but I am not robust enough to even read other peoples threads on there let alone start my own so please be kind to me.

Ex-h has DS3 (8 years old) 3/4 nights a week (we are sharing nicely), he lives in a three bed house but when DS3 is there they share his double bed, go to bed early and watch TV together then go to sleep. He has always used DS3 as a sort of comfort blanket, bringing him downstairs to sleep on his chest in the evenings even when he was an older toddler (I did not like this but if he ever listened to my opinions he may not now be my ex!).

I feel a bit uncomfortable about them always sharing a bed and I don't know if I am being unreasonable. Personally I have never been into sharing with the children because I am not overly keen on being used as a kickbag in the night and like my sleep too much but I know for a lot of people it is a lovely and wonderful way of parenting, I just don't know when they are too old for this?

Second part of this is ex-H goes to sleep with the TV still on (a big reason it wasn't allowed here, I would be the one to wake up and turn it off, then lie awake seething and not getting back to sleep!) and DS3 has woken up a couple of times to see programmes that are not appropriate for his age. Most recently it was one on zombies and he has become obsessed with them and really scared of the dark. I need to know how to tackle this because ex-H normally just waves off any opinion of mine and discounts it immediately, but we still have a session of mediation to go and I need to bring it up in a sensible way. Well unless he is perfectly entitled to do this in which case I will not say a word.

The co-sleeping wouldn't bother me - I know many children of around that age (and older) who still co-sleep, and as long as the child is doing so freely then it's not a problem, imo.

The inappropriate TV would be a problem for me, though, especially as it is clearly affecting your son.

Could you suggest that they watch a dvd? That way if they fall asleep with it on it would just return to the home screen (and play the annoying menu music all night) or something on Netflix which usually turns itself off after a while? There are some dodgy things on even normal channels late at night, I wouldn't be happy with children watching them.

The rest doesn't sound alarm bells for me, as long as your DS is happy.

Oh - does your son have his own room at his dad's? Although I wouldn't be at all bothered by the co-sleeping, I would want my child to know that he has his own room, too, that he can sleep in whenever he wants to.

Does ds still want to sleep with his dad when he's there? If not then it needs tackling because it makes him uncomfortable or whatever.

However the tv is an issue. It is upsetting him waking up to various images. It is also bad for sleep patterns and healthy sleep. I was allowed to fall to sleep with to on, and still now I find it impossible to sleep without it on.

My daughter (3) co sleeps with her dad when he has her overnight. I don't see the problem?

A man I am seeing also sleeps in the same bed with his son who is 10 I think. The boy wants to sleep with him! the father would rather they didn't share a bed.

The TV is an issue though...

Thank you, very helpful indeed. Good to know just because I hate the idea of sharing with an incredibly wriggly 8 year old there is nothing wrong with it if I changed my mind . I will ask him gently about his preferences but don't want to make him think it's wrong, they are really close which is lovely. Ex getting his own permeant home soon so I will make sure the issue of having his own bedroom is brought up so he has a space for himself if he needs it.

I feel very strongly about quality of sleep and TV in bedrooms bloody, I don't think it's good to have noise or screens in the bedroom at all and am quite puritanical about it but that is only my opinion. I will press the point a bit more and mention netfilx/DVD's. Not sure it will make any difference but at least I will have the courage to mention it. Although I have a feeling it will end up being a 'mummy says we aren't allowed to do stuff we like' moment but then life seems to be full of those when you are the grown up!

I have very warm memories of cosleeping with my dad when on holiday in the woods when I was a girl of about that age. We both liked sleeping out on the porch with the wind howling and my mum liked be tucked up inside, so we'd read together each night and then fall asleep. Think it stopped of it's own accord as I got a bit older and liked my own space. If your son and husband both enjoy it, that's great.

Like others, the tele would be the sticking point for me. Would your ex not take on board that his son has been demonstrably upset by what he's already seen? I agree with you about tele in bedrooms (hate having then silently staring at me in hotels, even!) but don't think you can ask your spouse to not have one in his. Suggestions of DVD are good - though I'd still prefer no screen time just before bedtime. Or would they consider reading?

Sorry, ex-spouse!

MrSlant you can get TVs which you programme to turn off after a certain amount of time, so that might be an answer. Then you wouldn't be challenging XH about the TV in the bedroom, but he could set the TV to turn off at the end of whatever they are watching. I have a clock radio with a 'sleep' function as I like falling asleep listening to R4, and it's fab!

In mediation, I would approach the room thing first, and say that you are aware that they currently sleep in one bed but that you think it is very important that DS has his own room at his fathers so that a. He has his own space there so as he gets older and more independent, he's not going to pull away or want to go less because he doesn't have his 'own pad' like he does at your house and b. He has an equal 'set-up' at both houses so it reinforces that BOTH places are equally his home and equally important.

These are comments that should reassure your Ex that you respect and value the joint setup at the same time as being utterly the right thing to say - to be seen to support your son's development as much as possible within the shared parenting framework.

After you've smoothed the waters that way, you then move onto the TV and say that that is something you worry about a. because of seeing unsuitable images - bring up the zombies etc. - and b. that it's likely to disturb sleep patterns. Again, you don't want him to associate dad's place with a lack of settling at night or being frightened. Then suggest that their routine be a DVD together rather than TV. Maybe lay it on thick about your son bringing up the zombies just before contact, and being slightly anxious - the last thing you want is for him to be a bit apprehensive about going to dad's... :)

Oh and btw we co-sleep, and I would say that although 8 may be a bit old, in the context of a separated set-up it might be a very emotionally important thing for your DS and your Ex - and there's nothing wrong with that. Better than him being bundled off to bed alone and left to it while your Ex plays computer games.

The co-sleeping wouldn't bother me at all. I remember getting in with my dad at that age, nothing odd at all.

Every tv I've ever seen has a "sleep" function on it where it turns off after x amount of time. You can set it. It is normally on the remote control and goes up in multiples of 30minutes. Mine stops at 3hours. Could you ask ex to set this? Or even show DS how to?

Thank you all very much. You are quite right about the comfort and closeness of sharing, especially in a house he isn't quite so used to staying in, I only want him to be happy and loved so my mind is well and truly set at rest. I will bring up all the other points, particularly tv's that turn off after a set amount of time, couldn't be more perfect for this situation.

Sylvanians thank you for the mediation tips too, I only want this to go smoothly and everything to be the best for our boys, it's a steep learning curve!

A lot of TVs have a timer option these days in the settings maybe you could suggest he sets that for an hour so it turns itself off once they are asleep or ask him to change the channel to something less likely to be inappropriate when he feels drowsy?