When you’ve been dumped do you think it’s best to have a final showdown or just let it go

[sunglassesinside]

This is a bit similar to another thread which prompted me to write this, i’ve had an off and on again thing with a colleague for most of the last year, he pursued me at the start, i was reluctant because I didn’t really want to get involved with someone I worked with but eventually gave in and then properly fell for him. Things were good for a while but we kept it quiet at work then he went cold on me, said he didn’t want to finish but hardly ever wanted to see me and I wouldn’t hear from him for days at a time. I asked if he wanted to end it, he said no and apologised and things were ok again for a while before it happened again. I finished it that time as was fed up with him but he came back and convinced me he was sorry and it wouldn’t happen again. Now it has. I’ve ended it again and told him it’s completely over, he basically said ok and didn’t try and convince me otherwise.

Now he treats me like nothing has happened. I know that’s best for working together but I just don’t think he has any idea of how much he’s hurt me. He’s very averse to confrontation, he’s always walked away from any arguments we’ve had and at the moment I feel like he’s guilt free as technically it’s me who ended it properly and he thinks he’s done nothing wrong. I know I should just avoid him and move on but part of me wants to tell him how much he’s hurt me.

He didn't get off scot free. You told him what your boundaries were, he crossed them again and you got shot. You left with dignity. Going back to mouth off that he's a knob will take that dignity away. It will show him u still care.

I am not sure what you would achieve from having a 'final showdown'. Very dramatic and unnecessary and, imho, undignified. He doesn't owe you an explanation (harsh but true) and if he does not like confrontation he is hardly likely to engage is he?

I really think you are not going to get what you are looking for if you confront him and I fear that you may end up feeling worse.

You have to work together. Perhaps his strategy, while denying you the closure you desire, is the best thing for your working relationship.

Tempting as it may be, try not to let him know how much he has hurt you. I know it sounds like a cliche but give it more time and I bet you will feel very differently about him (and have moved on to better things).

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing how upset or hurt you are. That won't change anything anyway other than giving him a bit more power than he deserves.

If you engineer a "showdown", he'll know you care about him more than he's let on. Move forward, head held high, like you don't give a shit. Onwards!

There are circumstances where a final showdown is worthwhile but this is not one of them.

Bottom line is he obviously wasn't that into you and for reasons best known to himself he wimped out of being man enough to deal with it himself and pushed you into dumping him. That suggests that he's not keen on confrontation and is unlikely to deal well with it.

By doing this you will clearly establish how hurt you are and lose some of your dignity which is not advisable if you are going to have to work with him. If he cared enough not to hurt you he would have dealt with this properly. He hasn't, so he doesn't.

Work relationships are always particularly tricky because of the aftermath. If you are going to continue to work with him you are going to have to maintain enough dignity and normalcy to be able to rub along together without drama. Your colleagues may or may not have cottoned onto what's happened but if there is a dramatic showdown they will become aware of the fact that he has hurt and humiliated you which is not a good position to be in at work.

If its hurting you enough that you don't think you can maintain this front it may be time to look for another job. If you think you can swallow your pride, do it and move on.

I know you're all right really and it's best to just keep quiet and move on I suppose I'm just still angry at him and don't know how to get rid of that

Kickboxing!