I want to set proper boundaries for the people in my life, tell me how!

[twoandahalftimesthree]

I have a history of EA from my older sister which has had a simple effect through all relationships throughout my life. Four years ago I finally realised what was going on and I have made great progress especially in my relationship with her, but also with dh.
However, I still really struggle in some areas, e.g. at work with colleagues, even with those that are much more junior than me. I know they're taking advantage of me, but I can't seem to say 'thats not acceptable' to them. I get very angry and frustrated with them and then with myself. It also happens in other parts of my life, i need a fix of assertiveness but I often have absolutely no idea how to deal with the situation, no idea what words to use... I need a coach!

'I'll give you a few minutes to sort yourself out. Come and talk to me when you've calmed down.' I love this phrase! It turns you feeling unreasonable into them looking unreasonable.

Practice the broken record technique too

"I'm sorry you feel that way but it doesn't work for me"

"I understand it's inconvenient for you, but it doesn't work for me"

Acknowledging their feelings but asserting your own needs. Repeat.

If junior people are foisting their work onto you, do you have any management who can support you or are they complicit in it? Are the junior staff pushing for promotion or jostling for your job?

I found with a junior person who was being a bit pushy, it helped to sit down & go through their weekly task lis, all the jobs they should be doing, and then point out 'by the time I got promoted to my job, I was doing all these tasks myself every week. You are still passing half of these things on to me. If you want to get promoted you HAVE to pick up the slack a bit'

I felt bad about shaming them into working harder, but it worked. Flattery also helped, saying things like 'you have the potential to go a long way in this job and in 5 years you'll probably be out-earning me, but right now you still have a lot to learn'.

I haven't had so much experience of the family side of things but it might be a good confidence boost to feel you've tackled trying to fix one area (ie work) before taking on another.

I'd recommend Transactional Analysis (TA). The book TA Today is very accessible but there are some shorter books available (helpful because I find one page of information can take a day of taking on board).