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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Non existent sex life

16 replies

Honestly2015 · 22/03/2015 21:35

Hi just to set the scene, we've been married for 4 years, together for 6, no children just one adult DS who is mine. Both mid forties. We've had a lot of issues not getting on over the last year, a lot relating to my son. But we've just seen to have drifted apart. We still actively do things together but when it comes to physical contact it just doesn't happen. There's no romance any more, DH used to be very romantic. He hardly touches me, rarely cuddles me and no longer tells me he loves me. Don't get me wrong I've tried to instigate cuddles etc but he moans I'm leaning on him or similar things to get away. We've both put a bit of weight and dont think that helps as I don't feel like he's attracted to me anymore whereas I think he's gorgeous and tell him. We have made love about 5 times in the last year. When j think about instigating sex, which I used to no problem I feel very awkward about it - not good. I miss him and don't know how to get us back on track. I've said that we need to try harder at having a good sex life, cuddles etc but he said we need to get on better first. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

Honestly2015 · 22/03/2015 21:43

Also should mention we have different sex drives when things are normal and I am used to being turned down by him - that's hurtful.

OP posts:

MummyBtothree · 23/03/2015 02:42

I feel for you. Am going through exactly the same after 12yr of marriage and im lonely, I might as well be on my own. Ive raked it up several times but we are going nowhere.

lottieandmias · 23/03/2015 02:49

I can imagine you do feel lonely. Is there any possibility there could be someone else?

MummyBtothree · 23/03/2015 02:54

Hes controlling and with me most of the time, also come to admit to myself theres emotional abuse. He's very mardy about me ever getting hold of his mobile it never leaves him but I managed today. Hes got applock and other stuff to hide apps, pics etc. I also found two suss contacts and text/rung them but wont co-operate

Original poster

Honestly2015 · 23/03/2015 06:29

Sorry to hear that mummybtothree and it does sound suspicious about his mobile. Do you feel confident you could ask him outright? My DH is very open about his mobile etc and therefore don't feel there is anyone else. But I often come to bed and just sob as feel lonely too and long to be wanted by him. Gosh it sounds so needy but I want closeness and passion. Life's passing me by and I don't want to be unhappy.

OP posts:

lottieandmias · 23/03/2015 06:43

I would say secretive behaviour is always a concern. But I'm sorry for both of you. I agree that you can waste a lot of years in the wrong relationship.

CheeseToastie123 · 23/03/2015 08:41

Honestly2015 - I tried everything. Talking about it, not talking about it, sexy undies, playing it slow, so many different attempts at seduction. He just didn't fancy me and in the end, I had no fight left. We never stopped being friends, and had the most amicable divorce in history according to onlookers. I now live with a great guy who does fancy me, and I'll be dancing at my ex's wedding this summer. There is a life out there, I promise.

Stinkylinky · 26/03/2015 20:57

Honestly2015 - your post about coming to bed and sobbing because you long to be wanted by him, could be written about me.

I'm expecting our first DC, I can't quite believe that I managed to fall pregnant in the first place. We have sex once a month, maybe twice but it's always initiated by me and he makes it obvious that he's not interested.

I love him so much but it hurts feeling so unloved.

Things are such a mess.

Original poster

Honestly2015 · 26/03/2015 21:19

Sorry to hear that stinkylinky. I can totally sympathise and it bloody hurts when you feel unloved, unattractive and lonely. We've had sex a few times this year, 3 max. He no longer touches me or says he loves me. It hits me most when he comes to bed and he turns the opposite way straight away and I feel at my lowest, that's when the tears flow. I have given up initiating it as it feels awkward :-/

OP posts:

Stinkylinky · 26/03/2015 21:31

I relate to everything you say. I wish I had the answers for us both, I really do x

SensationalGirl · 27/03/2015 10:14

I was going to chime in on how I wooed my dh back into bed with me but the whole ea bit has me thinking that it won't work. I did a lot of none sexual things like keeping the house clean like he likes it and spending time just talking to him like we used to.

My advice to the op though is to work on her own self esteem, after several months she will feel more confident in asking for what she deserves. The dh will either respond by realising that if he wants to keep his wife he'll have to up his game or if not she will have the strength to leave.

Feelinghelpless2 · 28/03/2015 22:04

So it's Saturday night, had a couple of glasses of wine, watched a film, been a nice evening. So I said I'm going to bed, he said ok night, I kissed him goodnight as I always do and that's that. I've come to bed and I feel so upset, as any passion is obviously not on his radar! :-(( I'm embarrassed to make any kind of move anymore.

Feelinghelpless2 · 28/03/2015 22:10

Sorry should have said I'm referring to my DH. And also Honestly I totally relate to your post :-(

HelenaDove · 29/03/2015 00:28

Does your h not do any housework Sensational.

SensationalGirl · 29/03/2015 05:29

Helena I don't understand the question. If a man commented that he buys his wife flowers would you ask if she ever buys any for him? I don't work and my dh works very long hours should he be asking me am I personally paying for my next shopping spree?
I am honestly dismayed by the what's in it for me attitude held by so many women on this forum. It seems to be either accepting abuse with open arms or treating men like crap. There is so little middle ground.

Are you going to follow me from thread to thread not giving advice just questioning everything I post? My advice to the op and anyone going through something similar is always this: work on yourself, building your self esteem and doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Your dh, if he has a decent moral compass will eventually follow you and if not then you will have the inner strength to put yourself first. And only after you have started feeling better about yourself should you start to attempt to woo your dh, put it aside for now.

I'm nc after this so feel free to explain all you like how my advice is flawed Helena but I won't be answering any more of your questions.

HelenaDove · 29/03/2015 17:19

Sensational i agree with some of what you say. At the end of the day we can be responsible for our own happiness. Im sorry if i offended you Though i have only asked you this once before I dont follow from thread to thread.

But you seem happy and are doing what works for you. And that is the important thing.

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