why am I feeling weak just when I should be feeling really strong?

[newnamesamegame]

I just really need a kick up the backside I think.

Over the past fortnight H has done the following:

Threatened to set fire to the house with me in it (yes I did ring the police and report it)
Smashed my iPad (I reported this too)
Thrown away my wedding ring
Called me a whore
Called me dirty
Badmouthed me in front of my daughter
Accused me of having had sex with all my male friends and colleagues (this is completely untrue and he has not the slightest basis for even fearing it to be true. Meanwhile he has had an affair, probably more than one.)

I told him to move out two weeks ago and he agreed. On the basis that I want to keep things as amicable as possible for our daughter I have agreed not to push him on this. But I'm worried he's just going to expect me to get over it and allow things to go back to "normal".

Now he is trying to make me feel guilty about this on the basis that he has apologised (once, not very sincerely, when drunk), and trying to just go back to normal (his modus operandi is after a piece of abuse or a big row he will sulk for days and then just wake up one day, bored of it, and expect me to move on.)

He was out working all weekend and came home and played with our daughter and for the first time in a fortnight my resolve slipped a bit. When he came back and was being nice to my daughter for a second I contemplated letting it all drop.

I can't. I know I can't. I know its the right thing to do. Why am I being so f weak? What's wrong with me?

Someone give me a proper talking to....

What is wrong is that you have been a victim of emotional abuse for so long that it has become impossible to believe your own reality. You have had all your understanding of what is acceptable within a relationship subtly, manipulatively and purposely eroded, so it's no wonder you no longer have the courage of your convictions.
His behaviour now is to undermine your resolve to split but the moment he sees one wobble from you he will think he has got you back under his spell. Please get some support and counselling- there is nothing wrong with you but you need to protect yourself.

Thanks. I know its irrational and unhelpful.
The thing is I don't have the time for counselling I know someone will say make time but its really impossible. I work about 60 hours a week and its impossible for me to commit for an hour a week during the working week because I can't get away on time I tried this about 8 months ago and it just didn't work.

There will be time for counseling when you're out, too.

Look, of course he is going to renege on his agreement to leave, and playing nice with him is only going to work against you: abusers take, and take, and take. They don't see kindness, they see weakness for them to take advantage of.

Have you sought advice from a solicitor? On whether there are ways to get him living in a different residence once you initiate divorce proceedings.

Here's the approach that worked for me, fwiw: after a particularly violent threat, I got my H to agree that we needed time apart for me to heal. He chose to read that as "leave her alone for a month, then I'll be able to move back in to a calmed Stepford wife." I did NOT play nice: I left the country, and made it clear I would only be coming back once he had found another flat for himself. Temporarily. He did, because it was the route to getting things back the way he wanted them. But instead, I started divorce proceedings, and once we were in separate residences (I could prove he lived at a different address, since he had moved out), he lost the right to enter the house we still owned since it was now my residence, while the sale was being sorted out as part of the divorce.

All this is a very long-winded way to say, don't lose your mettle! Get him out of the house if you have children, or get out of the house yourself if you don't. Use whatever opportunities are handed to you to make this happen, such as these violent threats of his. And don't play nice with an abuser. Never play nice with an abuser: they can't reciprocate.

Goats I haven't been to a solicitor yet but maybe 'tis time...

I don't want to move out a) because it would unsettle my daughter and disturb her routine and b) because I'm pretty sure he would then try to use that against me in a divorce proceedings even though its my name alone on the deeds -- I want him out first before I begin the legal stuff but maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse.

I just want him to bloody go.

Tell him you need him out temporarily while you get your head together.

Because you're a crazy and emotion-led woman who needs a little time to heal before you can see the rightness and rationality of his lordly view of things.

He shouldn't find that hard to believe.