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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't bring myself to ring my grandparents

39 replies

DoomDeer · 22/03/2015 20:44

I used to ring my grandparents once every 2 weeks, just to see how they were and catch up. They live about 100 miles away. I love them to pieces and they've always been superheroes in my eyes. Invincible.

This past year they have been getting progressively worse and worse in health. My Grandad can hardly breathe, on the phone you can hear him struggling to finish his sentence without gasping. My Nan is getting forgetful, really forgetful, I'll repeat the same story at least 3 times in a conversation.

The last few times we've organised to go down to visit them we haven't been able to go, either they have been to ill or me or DD have had a cold or cough and we just can't risk giving it to my Granddad. I miss talking to them so much and I feel so guilty. I just can't bring myself to hear them sounding so frail and I know there's nothing I can do to help them. My Nan cried on the phone last time I rang.

I just feel so selfish but everytime I pick up the phone I just can't...

OP posts:
Fontella · 22/03/2015 20:51

Call them.

When they are dead and gone you'll look back on this and regret this so much.

If you've always called them every couple of weeks, then they will be acutely aware that you are avoiding them, which just isn't fair - on them. They can't help getting old, they can't help getting sick and it's like you are penalising them for doing just that.

I know how hard it is sometimes and it's easier just to avoid .. but please, for yourself as much as them - take a deep breath and call them. You will come to regret it if you don't. Trust me, I know what I am talking about.

x

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 20:54

Please call them. I know it's hard, but they are still the same people underneath.

Original poster
DoomDeer · 22/03/2015 20:55

Thanks, Fontella.

I think I knew deep in my heart that that's exactly what I need to do. It does roll round in my head that if I don't call them or see them I might not get to again.

I will be calling them after work tomorrow I think. They'll be in bed now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 20:58

yes, it's a bit late this evening

call them tomorrow before you settle down for your evening

put an alert on your phone or something

Christinayang1 · 22/03/2015 21:01

Call them and go and see them

I lost my grandparents 20 years ago and I miss them everyday

Think how they feel about becoming older and frailer, they need to know the people they love are still there for them...I would give anything to have time again with mine

Selks · 22/03/2015 21:02

OP your call will mean so much for them, even if it is a sad thing to do. They probably love hearing your news.
I do appreciate this is sad and hard for you, so please have an un-mumsnetty (hug) It's so hard seeing the people we love grow frail and old, but they are still the same people despite their frailties.

Topseyt · 22/03/2015 21:05

It is hard when you know the older relatives you always loved are becoming frail and struggling.

I remember it happening to my maternal grandma. We lived about 100 miles from her. She was 91, in a nursing home and many of her faculties were fading.

She lived near my parents, so normally we called in to see her when visiting them. There was just one occasion when we didn't. I can't even remember why we didn't. I never saw her again because she died a month or so later an I have regretted that decision ever since. That was more than 20 years ago.

Just saying that hard though it certainly is, don't make my mistake. Don't keep putting something off with a frail and elderly relatives. It could be something you regret.

Tiredemma · 22/03/2015 21:10

Call them. I've just lost two grandparents in the space of 9 days. I would give anything to hear either of their voices again

Alanna1 · 22/03/2015 21:11

You know we're going to say call. But you can also write, and send them things, and have you thought about getting them skype / facetime device? Has made a massive difference in my familyz

Original poster
DoomDeer · 22/03/2015 21:25

I've tried to get them to try technology as a whole but they're of the sort that if it's new it's stays in the box because it's new. I got them a digital photoframe a couple of years ago, set it up went through how to work it with them. They put it back in the box when I left, incase it broke, they do make me chuckle.

I keep in contact with my cousins and aunt who live round the corner from them ask how they're doing.
These are the only grandparents I have now, my mum's dad died in front of me when I was 8. I just find it hard to keep it all in for them when they're so important to me.

I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't call them. Have set an alarm on your advice for tomorrow, will ring them before DD goes to bed so she can have a quick hi and bye as well.

OP posts:
IfMaybeBut · 22/03/2015 21:33

When you ring be prepared to talk a lot, to save them the effort of talking. You can slow your conversation which means it's easier to follow and they can enjoy a longer conversation for same content.

LowryFan · 22/03/2015 21:36

I know just how you feel. Remember once you have got in contact you will feel a lot lot better, tough as it will be to deal with. They will be pleased to hear from you. And next time will be a lot easier. Hugs for you. You know you've got to update the thread tomorrow when you've done it don't you? Flowers

fluffapuss · 22/03/2015 22:46

Hello Doom

If you cant phone

Write them a cheery letter with news of what you have been up to

If you are out & about send postcards from places that you visit

If you have children send them their paintings

Phone

Good luck

Butterflywings168 · 23/03/2015 00:59

Please call them. I did this with late DGM Sad wish I had spent time with her. I do get how difficult it is though.

LondonRocks · 23/03/2015 01:02

Flowers call them. I see where you're coming from, but don't let fear of losing them make you 'lose' them while they're still here...

loveareadingthanks · 23/03/2015 07:16

My parents are now very frail with lots of health problems. It is upsetting to witness. It's also breaking my mothers heart that most of the grandchildren now avoid contacting them for exactly the same reasons you say - except I know those are the reasons but she doesn't. She's just hurt and bewildered by it and wondering what they've done wrong. Stop being selfish. Call them. Regularly.

florentina1 · 23/03/2015 07:31

Doomdear, I understand hoe hard this is. I have watched my own children struggle in the same way. Maybe you could try writing to your grandparent. Explain you could not phone, make up some excuse. I am sure a bright breezy letter about your family will cheer them up.

FWIW my parent preferred letters to phone calls.

cleanmyhouse · 23/03/2015 07:51

I'd go with the letter or card thing too.

DeckSwabber · 23/03/2015 07:55

ditto to letter.

Send pictures drawn by your daughter if she's that age.

MeerkaRIPSirTerry · 23/03/2015 08:16

Do ring them doomdeer. I hope it goes okay.

Skiptonlass · 23/03/2015 08:49

Write to them! I send my aged gp postcards from everywhere I go, because she's too deaf to talk on the phone now.

That generation is so much more used to letters rather than phone calls. Get your dd to help, send a nice letter once a week and visit when you can. Pictures, drawings, etc. :)

marshmallowpies · 23/03/2015 09:04

I need to call my gran tonight too. I understand about the difficulties of visiting when you are ill yourself - last year I was due to go & visit DGM when I had a miscarriage.

I remember phoning her to cancel and she said 'But when will I see you?' in the most upset voice. It was horrible and I was already in a bad way to start with. Then a month or so later she had forgotten I'd even had a MC. It's very, very hard.

nemo81 · 23/03/2015 14:11

Please call. I work with the elderly and the ones that truly have no one can be so sad and lonely. Its upsetting. Your grandparents have you, let them know you are there and you do care.

cafesociety · 23/03/2015 14:19

Call them. My grandson has recently emotionally distanced himself 'because he's a teenager'. It hurts so very much, we were close.
Call them.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2015 22:55

op did you call them ?

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