Why are my parents such dicks?

[anothernamechange1234]

Well, I know no one can tell me why. But still, their dickishness really gets me down.

My mother is a narcissist. Possible sociopath. A string of failed relationships and two marriages. No friends. She's driven everyone away. I think she's an alcoholic. Used to ignore my DSis and I. We'd get home and shed have a big glass of scotch and not even say hello to us. She'd send nasty vitriolic texts and emails to people - family friends etc. Would continually accuse me of being abusive. Moved out as soon as I could, throwing my education away. She didn't speak to me for months. When I was little shed spend most of the weekend in bed, She could be physically violent and slapped me hard around the face several times. Didn't ever care when I cried.As well as accusing me of being abusive would tell me I was 'sick' in the head. Refused to believe things I said had happened, had happened. Gas lighting me I think. A load of other stuff.

My father isn't quite as bad but won't talk about thinks he doesn't want to. Is totally inflexible. Does the same thing at the same time on the same day every week. Gets upset if things aren't done for his birthday but dorsng make any effort for me and DS for eg. Has no tact or understanding. DH thinks he shows signs of autism. Would never show compassion or care towards me despite being very sentimental about his parents and people he knows. Can't handle his drink - gets very weird and aggressive after too much, asking strange questions and generally being odd

Both of them are always going on about what marvellous parents they are, as if they deserve medals. Does my head in. Neither are supportive
Or caring. Normal conversations are often impossible. I feel very uncomfortable discussing anything personal with them. DS has always had preferential treatment though.

I've gone NC before with my mother.
I don't know why I'm writing this really. I guess I just sometimes feel in mourning for relationships I never had with my parents.

When you find out the answer, could you let me know

Ta

I understand what you mean by mourning. I've been mourning my parents all my life.

I think I've come to the realisation (eventually) that I never really needed parents growing up so I don't really need them now.

Also, I'm grateful that they kept me fed and alive for the first decade or so.

AnyFucker- I'm sure the OP finds your sarcastic post most helpful.
Don't want to read and run, I have been struggling for years with my elderly Dad- kind of different, he has dementia and became my sole responsibility, was never a great parent but not as difficult as your mum sounds.
FWIW it sounds to me like your mother may have lifelong mental illness and struggled to be a parent. At this stage the best you can hope for might be damage limitation- managing your own emotions and protecting yourself from the hurt she no doubt still has the power to inflict. In my case counseling has been very useful to gain some control over my emotions. But hopefully others will be along with helpful input.

Nowt ruddy sarcastic about that bob

From the sounds if it OP NC sounds like the best thing. There some a point where you have to protect your head.

You wouldn't choose her as a friend I would hazard a guess.. you don't have to have them in your life if you don't want to.

Thank you luckyluckyme and whataboutbob. I'm sorry you too have struggled with this sort of thing. It's rubbish isn't it.

I do feel sometimes that I have 'accepted' their faults, particularly DMs. The way I cope is to have little contact, but I am also full of guilt. She pretends she has a busy social life but she doesn't (forgot to mention the constant lies and exaggeration). She has no one. I feel bad for her being all alone, despite it all being her own doing.

I actually thought anyfucker was showing the OP empathy...

X-post gamer.

Yes, I agree but it's so so hard. I dread her getting older. I have no idea what will happen to her.

I knew exactly what AF meant. (I hope I did at least!) And echo her feelings too.

See now that's the thing... These type of mothers expect their daughters to be on hand to wipe their arses later on in life unconditionally.

She's made her bed and you have no obligation to keep it comfortable for her.

It's not your problem no matter how much of a pull there is.

You read me wrong, Bob

OP, this is a question I ask myself a lot. The best I can hope for is that I don't repeat their mistakes

Many people parent as they were parented themselves. We learn our behaviours from our parents and they in turn learned them from theirs. People also become bitter and twisted from bad experiences they have in their lives not me no siree!.

Lots of people don't 'see' this in themselves or wish to make any effort to change their behaviours. Thank fuck for MN though and the interweb in general where people with shit parents can discuss the impact it has on them freely and learn not to repeat the cycle. Bugger the fifth commandment when they have completely screwed you up!

I have shit parents too. One massively emotionally and physically abusive, the other one dumped me with the bitch! I understand what made my mother like she is - childhood, family relationships, shit stuff happening to her. With my father, I am at a loss tbh as I don't know anything about his childhood or his life.

AF wasn't being sarcastic - I think she was saying 'got the t-shirt'. It's sad.the.most insightful people Mnet have been through the mill

Thanks, hop

Erm, where has the OP gawn ?

I very much relate to your post op. I believe my parents married each other as no one else would have been attracted to them. They both have MH issues which caused extreme damage to my siblings and I. I am still very angry but find talking with my Dh helps and being the best parent I can to my dc. I have no answers just empathy

Thanks Lotties.

Yes Bubbles, I think she has repeated patterns. She has mentioned how awful her dM was many times. I think she genuinely believes she has done a better job. Maybe she has in some ways.