Major life decision - help needed

[LittleBird1971]

First I wanted to start by saying, please don't judge me for the choices I've made in my past. All of us have had to undergo adversity and I've had my fair share. What I'd like are balanced opinions. I really don't know where to turn with regard to this problem. I've discussed it with my closest friends and they offer warm support but I get very differing opinions about what course of action I should take.

I'm about to turn 44 and am desperate for a child. My husband and I have had a terrible marriage which we've tried to repair on and off for 7 years. He has been unfaithful to me and has had serious money problems which he's hidden from me. He's about to go bankrupt for a second time and my fear is that we may lose our home this time - which is the only thing I have that offers stability. I've stayed married to him for a number of reasons: 1.) because my family don't live in the UK and I don't have a support network here but I've built my career here. Basically I put all my eggs in my husband's basket when we got married. I loved him and I believed 100% that our marriage would work. 2.) Although I'm doing very well in my career, it's not one which pays steadily. I have literally clawed my way to where I am and have worked so hard to achieve what I have. I have respect in my industry but not a regular income, however without my income we couldn't jointly have a roof over our heads. 3.) I have wanted a child and my fear is that if I leave I will have to forever close the door on this and face a life alone. It's really too much for me to take on - the idea of starting over without a family here (I can't go back to where I came from as the field I work in is very UK specific). If I walk away I'm looking at losing everything and starting life over at an age where women aren't valued.

Several years ago, knowing that my husband was unfaithful and lying to me about jobs, money, etc, I got involved with a man who was separated and going through a divorce. The divorce has dragged on for years now with no resolution. His wife is manic depressive and often doesn't take her meds and he's worried about the welfare of his young child. She's extremely rich and he's not and she's likely to get custody. He's also been physically, emotionally and financially abused by her.

Basically, I 've been waiting for him to get his act together so we can be together. He tells me he loves me more than anyone he's ever met and he desperately wants to be with me. However, he can't seem to free himself from her hold. He's still terrified of his soon to be ex. He spends all of his time waiting for his phone to ring so he can race over there and fix some problem. He doesn't trust her and he doesn't trust her with their child and it's driving him to distraction. I told him we can't have a life together until this is sorted out and until he sees a therapist and learns how to let go of the vicious control cycle he's in. It's a mess.

So basically I feel like I have two choices of men and neither are in any way suitable as a father. I literally am beside myself with misery, and have lived this way for a number of years. I have to make a decision.

Do I have a child and then get divorced? Do I have a child with my divorcee and leave my husband? Do I close the door on ever being a mother without even trying? Do I have a child with my husband knowing he won't be there for me and I will lose my income stream which has kept a roof over our heads when he's about to go bankrupt again? I feel like I have no support from anyone. Children and new mothers need support and I literally have no idea what to do or where to turn.

Please answer with kindness.

If I were you, I would get a sperm donor and do it alone.

What Fugghet said. I wouldn't have a child with either of these men tbh.

It is really unfair to have a child with a man if you're planning to leave him.

I agree with the other poster. Leave your husband, set up by yourself and get as perm donor.

You cannot in good conscience bring a child into the world with either of the men you're involved with. I appreciate how painful this is to confront, but it's the truth. I'm sorry it's such a horrible truth

Your only solution is to go it alone, IMO.

But I mean on more than one level.

Alone as far as parenthood is concerned. But before that, alone in your life without either of these men, one of whom is completely wrong for you and one that is not at the time yours to have.

Free yourself from the tyranny, free yourself to find a happier life.

Good luck

Use a sperm donor. I understand the desire to be a mum I had dd at 42. Her dad, ex-dp as of a few weeks, was just lovely. But it has all gone wrong now she's nearly four and last night i had to chuck him out. One of the things he told me was I'd used him to have a child. I thought we were making a family. Go it alone if you really want it. But a child needs you to be strong and not worried about your relationship. It is the biggest commitment.

I agree with others - I think your only real option is to have a child on your own with a sperm donor and plan on being a single mother. It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into either of these relationships.

Little bird. What a difficult situation. You poor thing.
I know that feeling of wanting a child and thinking that it might not happen.

I don't know what you should do, I'm sorry. I did have a friend in a similar situation to you. She eventually cut her losses and left the man. A year later he had met somone else and they had a baby. She has remained childless. Initially she was, as you might imagine, deveststed.

However, she went on to meet a truely wonderful man. They are now in their 50s and have a lovely life, full of travel, careers they are passionate about and many, many friends. She says she is still desperately sad that she wasn't able to have a child, but has found peace with her situation.

More recently, she and her partner have started to discuss fostering/adoption. She is unsure what the future will hold, in that respect. However, she says she is very happy in her life and relationship.

Another friend was in similar circumstances and opted for a very different route. She delibarately got pregnant on a business trip. She had no intention of creating a relationship with the man. She now has a three year old son. However, her mother co-parents with her. She says it would be impossible without her mother, as she needs to keep working.

The common theme, I think, is that neither stayed with the "undesirable" man.

I don't know what I would do, but I wish you luck and courage. I think there are lots of different ways to life our lives.

I don't think either of these men would be suitable as a father. If you don't object to the principle of sperm donation that is the way to go. IMHO.

The important thing here, and I think it's central to absolutely everything, is that you've been miserable for years. That's no way to live.

It's time to write a new page in the book.

it is incredibly hard to Have a baby without any support, I don't have any family here, but couldn't do it without dh. Also at your age you must realise that there is potential risk of having a child with special needs, my eldest has SN and I cannot emphasis enough how utterly exhausting it is.
I do completely understand your wish to be a mother, in your circumstances I would get rid if these two men (your divorcee will never commit) and adopt a child.

Sperm donar - but make it quick if you are 44. Good luck

Get cracking whatever you decide. Why don't you explore the donor options straight away?

Tbh I would sort the rest of my life first, once you do get pregnant (fingers crossed) I think you'll find it harder to make bold decisions.

Find yourself a little place. Separate from your husband. Break things off with OM.

Give yourself a little while, maybe six months, to settle into your new life and find your bearings. Then, when you feel a bit stronger and have grained your equilibrium, will be the right time to think about a baby.

That should say regained your equilibrium.

There are two separate issues here, don't get them muddled up:

1. You are in a marriage that makes you unhappy - leave.

1. You want a child and you are running out of time.

Find your feet on your own, built your own life. Considering sperm donation and having a child on your own may be far better than settling for either of these men by the sounds of it.

I like HolgerDanske's plan.

Thank you for your opinions and for sharing your experiences. The tears are literally streaming down my cheeks as I write this.

I really don't know how I would go it alone. I work freelance. I have no savings. I have no family here. I've lived here for 22 years and all my friends, my business, my life is in the UK. I couldn't support myself alone, with or without a child. My husband has utterly destroyed my finances and his own. I never knew about it until it was too late and now I feel powerless to leave. If I go back to Boston I would have to move in with my elderly parents after having lost everything. I would have to retrain and build up a business. How would I do this with a baby? I would have no money. The whole thing is so petrifying that I can't even describe it to you. It's not what I want my life to be. I would have lost everything.

Yet the idea of being alone for the rest of my life and deeply yearning to be a mother and to have a family and to have that denied to me is truly horrific. It feels like having my heart pulled out.

Part of me can't believe that not one, but two men could have deceived me like this and are incapable of simply stepping up to the plate and being there for a woman they supposedly love. To have a family seems like such a basic and easy thing for most people to achieve in their life. How could it have alluded me, not once but twice?

One of the things that hurts so much is the constant judgement I face for being a childless married woman. Whenever I'm asked if I have kids and I say no, people don't know what to say or say something glib like 'you're better off without them'. I find it impossible to befriend women my own age outside of work because I don't have kids and they can't relate to me. People make so many assumptions about women without kids - like it's their fault, or like there's something wrong with them. Truly, it makes everything far worse.

I'm sorry to go on like this. But thank you for your thoughts. keep them coming. I value them.

Yes but you have nothing now, do you? Truly, all you have is some brick walls around you. It's no real security. You say you might lose the house. You'll never truly be able to trust that he won't fuck everything up again.

I appreciate it's extremely difficult. But it has to be done.

Look at a house share, perhaps? Once you are living on your own you will be able to save and know that whatever you have is yours. You'll be able to make plans and know that no one else has the power to fuck them up. You'll be able to have a little life, however simple and spartan it has to be until you get on your feet, that's all yours.

Hello Little

I see an unhappy triangle

I would start fresh, leave both men
Spend some quality time on your own
Decide what will make you happy...
Love yourself first

The only problem is that age is not on your side, but you could still have your own child

If it is a child have you thought about fostering ?
or have you really investigated adoption
www.gov.uk/child-adoption/overview

You can be a strong woman with or without children !

Good luck

Little bird,

I really understand what you mean about feeling judged and a bit alone as a woman of a certain age without children. It can be so painful.

You feel just now, you have the choice of two (unsuitable) men to make a family and have a child.

Your path may be wider and different. A colleague of mine suffered many miscarriages. Her marriage broke down and she felt utterly alone and bereft. She thought she would never have any sort of family life. In her fifties, she remarried another colleague who was widowed with two daughters in their twenties. She became a wonderful step mother to them. She later gave up work to look after her "step grandchildren" when the daughters had babies. Her life is now immeresed in her young and growing family. She is very happy and content. Obviously, these are not her "own" children and grandchildren, but she has a warm and close family. They all adore her.
She says she could never have imagined this happening. She had imagined a bleak and lonely future and got the opposite.

Perhaps you are on the cusp of a new life? Things don't sound great for you just now. I hope, very much, they change for you soon.

OP, if your joint finances are that bad then how would you be able to afford a baby with your husband - or with this other man?

I do know the pain you're going through as I spent years TTC with my late husband, without success, and we could not afford IVF. I eventually accepted I was not going to be a biological mum. I do now parent my husband's child by his previous partner, but it's so painful to realise that I will never experience those pregnancy and motherhood milestones for myself, or hold a baby of my own in my arms. It has taken me many years to come to terms with it.

I strongly suggest you look into counselling, either on the NHS or privately, to help you take an objective look at where you are now, and where you want to be.

If this does go on and you end up not having a child there is always fostering which can be wonderfully rewarding and they have no issue taking single parents.

At the end of the day don't feel that these men are your only two options for life with a partner either.