If your DH has his own business and works all hours what happened to make him realise his family needed him to spend time at home too?

[spad]

And I don't mean an hour or two in the evening.

Proper time. Weekends and holidays.

I am exhausted from being resilient to the hours my DH works. I am exhausted from him not realising that he doesn't know how the children and I spend our time and what our day looks like.

I am exhausted from him not being aware of how much he is missing out on and from his input being out of sync with what the children need because he is only ever around for an hour or two.

I am a SAHM who is good at being efficient and looking after our children and because of that I don't think he has a clue about how hard I work.

If you 'cured' your DH/partner of this then please, please tell me how you did it.

I have been waiting for almost six years for him to have a proper and regular window of decent time for us.

As a business owner myself I can see it from the other side of the coin.

It's hard to switch off when you know not only your family financially depend on your decisions but others too.

I would sit him down and allocate down time, it sounds un romantic but it's a good starting point, it could be that the phone and laptop go away at 8pm on a weeknight and are only used for an hr on the weekends.

It can be hard to let go but once he gets used to this everything will relax... Take it from a workaholic

I have a workaholic husband who also has his own business. I read somewhere that being a workaholic is a societally acceptable addiction but can have some of the same effects on relationships (i.e. we never come first). He isn't cured I'm afraid but we have improved things recently. He does admit now that he loves his job and doesn't want to work less. It has taken a long, long time but we have a kind of understanding now which is I will stop trying to fight it (exhausting, negative, made both of us miserable, and didn't even work anyway!) and he will let me do as I please with my time. He doesn't question the decisions I make re kids but supports me. As a SAHM I have managed to carve out quite a nice life for myself, doing a few hours a week of work that I love, but mostly here for the children. I have decided to compensate for often being what is effectively a single parent by planning nice holidays and the odd weekend away where we all spend time together (i.e. spending the money he earns). I have accepted the the laptop will always come too, and he agrees to work only once I've gone to bed. I arrange babysitters and evenings out. If I 'let' him have a few hours at the weekend then I find he gets things done he feels he needs to and is then more engaged with us afterwards. I have realised after years of constantly getting cross with him he won't really change that much, so I have tried to work out what I can take from the situation I'm in. It's not ideal but I am happier now I accept what I can and can't change. It's basically a series of give and take deals.

Here's an example of a 'deal'. He worked late into the night last night once I was in bed. He got up early and prepared veg for a Sunday roast. He is now working and will do until 12ish when he's cooking dinner. I'll do kids' homework with them and make some birthday cads for their Granny. I have invited another family round for lunch and we're all going to a show together this afternoon. Once we get back he'll probably do another couple of hours. Then he'll help with kids' bedtime and we might watch some Sunday night TV together before he does more work while I go to bed and read a book. That is fairly typical for us, and I'm satisfied with the balance.

I should add that we've done a lot of work (counselling) to help us get to a more harmonious way of operating. We went through a long period of each wanting the other to be more 'grateful' to the other for what they bring.

I fight fire with fire. Got a job, progressed up the ladder, now a partner so very difficult for him to claim his work is more important than mine. I will compromise for the DC, but I'm very lucky to be able to work flexibly. DH has got better with time as theDChave got older. Weekends and holidays are still an issue, but in the main I have come to accept that the farm needs his attention and just get on with it.

In my case it took him an affair and a child resulting from this affair resulting from stress and being abroad for an extended period of time away from us...C'est la vie!
He still works hard but he does his best to squeeze more quality time with me and the kids.
LetsGo as usually gives wise advice!
Good Luck!

he won't change so make your life better and easier with more free time. Go out, hire a babysitter, make sure your life isn't on hold.

Yes, he is missing out but he doesn't see that as an issue. If you don't want to leave and love him, then ensure the dc have a good make role model through sports or family they spend time with. Do you have to make lots of excuses for him to the dc? That used to annoy me, bigging up dh when the reality was he would rather be networking/ having a lie in, before working again.

My dh doesn't have his own business but has a very demanding job which he works pretty much every waking hour. I am a sham and like you op am organised so it looks like I don't work that hard, when in reality I'm exhausted. Sadly for us my dh's "moment of realisation" came when our 3 year old dd died last year, it was only when we were being quizzed about her life (post mortum necessity) that he realised that he knew none of the answers. Since then we now make sure that we have one day on the weekend that is pure family time.

Spad I completely understand that he probably thinks he's doing his best by the family by working hard, but can I suggest that you're very careful about this. I realise I'm projecting massively, but I wasted 35 years waiting for it to be "my turn", only to find that when he lost his job and or son lost his sight (which he wasn't even there for) it then became the turn of other women, prostitutes and his very abusive family with my needs still nowhere in sight

Please don't imagine I'm suggesting this will happen to you - only that the line between what they have to do and want to do can be a fine one which can very easily get blurred

Would he cut back his hours if you worked to make up the difference in salary?

It's hard enough being self employed covering your own needs much less another adult and children. That pressure means more hours, more stress. Same as being the only one in employment, you have to ensure you do everything needed as the loss of salary would be horrific.

Cathpip

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter.

Also, it is do frustrating. The more my DH is away the more accustomed we are becoming to him not being here and the easier it is to cope without him. We need him. It won't be long until our dc are so familiar with his absence that they don't look for him anymore.

Rather than being a workaholic I think my DH is still at the early stages of having a business. He has a better team behind him than ever before but still needs another very decent cog in the wheel at least.

And when he is home he is often absent in mind. Or very critical of how I raise our dc. This upsets me a lot.

I am half way through a pregnancy and our third dc is due at the end of July. The idea of being at home seven days a week with three under three is quite overwhelming . I'd so like has to have some kind of family routine sorted by then.

I have recently bought and moved into a house with my 3 children. I have been separated from my husband for just over a year now and we are almost divorced. It is amicable mostly, but it was my decision to leave. There's no one else involved on either side.
One of my many issues , is that I am finding it so hard to get the house sorted out alone. I don't have any parents any more and I don't get on with my sisters-we don't speak to each other and they live miles away any way. So, I have no family support. I have arthritis in my spine and have had both knee caps replaced for arthritis too (when I was 46, I'm now 50).
I am fit and active, but I do have to be careful. I can't do heavy lifting, kneel, run, jump or do anything high impact. This obviously makes sorting the house out pretty difficult sometimes, as the work can be heavy. I have a friend who has a business and I did employ some of her workers to help me declutter and settle in a bit. But, I still feel like I need a lot more help. I have a history of depression too and can feel the enormity of everything overwhelming me. I don't want to get depressed again. Added to that, I am experiencing a lot of bleeding between periods, so I saw my GP and have to have an urgent pelvic ultrasound and blood tests. It's probably the menopause coming on, but it's scary.
I feel like I'm being pathetic. I am in a good situation. My ex supports us well, but I feel so alone. A friend pointed out to me that she is in a similar situation and that she doesn't get much support. But she has a mum who, although far away, is supportive and she has a boyfriend. She made me feel like I am being pathetic.
I don't think she meant to, but she did. Please can you give me any helpful advice on how to cope? I have some lovely friends, but they're mostly married and have their own lives. I work as a volunteer for a hospice, which is really good, but I need to have more social contact. I have tried internet dating- it was a dead loss. I'd be very grateful for your thoughts.

Mine works for a company but last year we went through a period of readjustment. He was working ridiculous hours and we don't need the money.

His dad died last year and he went through the same feelings NHS of guilt he did when his mum died 11 years before that he hadn't spent enough time with him.

I had had enough, I pointed out the similarities and said he had been doing the same to us too.

Pointed out he didn't have much of a clue about our daughter, that she never asked him anything and would ask me what he thought, even if he was in the same room!

I started to get him to question others at his level at work to find out tgeir hours and if they took calls at all hours etc. of course they didn't! Started to point out the sly comments they'd make on Facebook about his working hours.

Lastly I pointed out that I could never relax myself because I didn't feel able to if he never did as I felt guilty. How this wasn't the life I wanted and how we were no happier than we were 20 years before with no money but more time together.

Gradually he's leatnt to adjust. It's taken time as he's had to learn not to be so micromanaging at work and trust in his staff....oh yes that was another thing, I told him if he couldn't trust his staff it was because he was a shit manager who hadn't trained them well enough!

I don't like being critical or hurtful and kept that to minimum but it needed to be done to highlight he was no more highly thought of by company and peers for the extra work than if he didn't. That's peoved to be the case since he's gradually cut back.

Doughnut you need to start your own thread for advice on your situation, you have posted on someone else's which is not going to get you any answers :)

spad it sounds from what you say that your DH is more struggling to build a business than being obsessed by work. Has he talked about longer-term plans? Does he have a timeframe for being able to step back a bit? Does he realise how much you do (probably not). Has he ever thought about what would happen if you were ill and unable to look after the DCs? These points all might be worth raising.

Oh no, sorry, I thought I had done!

My dad was like your DH. I am self employed too (after swearing to myself that I would never do that seen the effect it had on my dad).

Having your own business means that it's always there in your mind. All the time. No getting away from it. No 'I've left work and I will stop thinking about it for the rest of the evening/weekend'. It just doesn't work like this.

My mum used to book a holiday at least once a year, abroad, far away where he would struggle to have internet access so that my dad would stop, at least for the duration of the hols.

My answer to it is that he choose to spend so much time on his business, just as I'm choosing to go back home late two or three nights a week.
Or that your DH is choosing not to spend as much time with his growing family.
This will have an impact on his relationship with his dcs and with you. Apart from telling him and reminding him (by the way of tales of what fantastic time you've had and how much he has been missing), you can't force him to do so.
What saved my realtionship wuth my dad is the hour it was taking us to go to school and I was spending that time talking to him. That didn't help my mum though.

What I hear though is your need to have some support when you will have 3 dcs at home, all under 3.
I would have a word with him, tell him about that (rather than the fact he should be at home more) and find solutions together. Maybe you could have a helper at home, a cleaner, an au pair to give you a hand. Or he might decide he wants to be there.

Btw re the being critical re raising the dcs, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he will only be able to be critical when he will have actually parented the dcs himself, which unfortunatly, he can't have done.

The start of a business is the worst time ever and your DH is doing well if his business is growing like that.
Yes you will need to talk about LT plans too, when does he think he will make enough money to relax, when is he planning to work less etc...

This has told me what I wanted to know about whether to have children with workaholic DH.

He's turned into his Dad - who aged 70ish* has decided he will never retire because he's still doing valuable work.

I didn't want to marry his Dad, I wanted to marry the nice combination of thoughtfulness, kindness and perspective, with extracurricilar interests, that I met 10 years ago.

*DH is so bloody switched off from everything except work he doesn't even know what year his Dad was born.

Lackofpalsir I suppose I was totally naive and assumed my workaholic would naturally change after having kids (i.e. Why would he possibly want to spend time elsewhere?). Somehow we both made assumptions without actually discussing it (he thought I'd do all the childcare like his mum did, and I thought we'd co-parent like my parents had). I was bitterly disappointed! I couldn't understand how he'd not want to rush home to see them. It created big problems for us, and we were a miserable couple for a long time. Even now, though I don't dispute he loves them dearly, I still maintain that he's not really cut out for fatherhood. He really does prefer work! I think you're far wiser than me in thinking about this now.

Quite simply nothing has made him realise. Births, deaths, serious illness had little effect. Somehow without me realising I parented alone, picked up the pieces and became his enabler. The more I shoulder the burden the easier it is for him to keep working. I compromised my life including my career so that he didn't have to. Hindsight is wonderful so like letsgo I admire you for asking the question now.

spad, I think your DH and mine might be the same person.

It's hard. I don't want to bother him when he's working, but it means I'm spending almost all my time taking care of DD. I didn't mind his work coming first when we didn't have kids- I'm capable of entertaining myself and am enough of a loner that I don't mind. It wasn't even so bad before I went back to work last April. But I can't muster up the time and energy to find stuff to do with DD on very little downtime. DD almost never goes to sleep before 10pm (she's a night person, like me and her dad), so I don't get much time in the evenings. I'm also pregnant with DC2, so that drains my energy too- sometimes I end up falling asleep with DD. I do all the baths and bedtimes, because he can't get her to go to sleep. Sometimes I can get him to watch her for a couple of hours during the weekend, but I feel bad about doing that unless I'm going to nap or run errands.

I feel like he thinks I am useless, too, because I don't really have a career. We moved for his job in 2007, and since then I've been doing various contract jobs (other than when I've taken off to be home with DD). I make decent money, but I don't really see myself being likely to advance. I've pretty much accepted that, but I'm afraid he thinks less of me for it.

It really is down to him prioritising his family and I don't think there is anything you can do to make that happen although I do like some of the ideas upthread

When DS was little, DH would schedule weekends with us and we'd have day trips, etc. Gradually he started scheduling work back in. Now, even when he doesn't have work at the weekends, he'll make plans to go to the cinema on his own rather than spend time with us (he needs that downtime to relax from work ).

He comes on holiday with us but doesn't participate as he'd rather be checking emails and calls. (I also run my own business so I do know when his calls are priorities and when they're simply avoiding family time). The result is that he has made himself dispensable. Our (myself and the DC) lives actually run more smoothly when he isn't here.

Sorry, that is absolutely no help to you Op but what I'm saying I guess is look at who your DH is; see if there are any signs he isn't happy with his contribution to family life because otherwise he isn't going to stop working all hours. Starting a business is intense but so is running a business so he'll always be able to come up with an excuse not to be there unless he wants to be with you.

cathpip I'm so sorry about your dd

This might be useful for your DH to read, OP