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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being stupid? this is consuming me...

20 replies

ifonlywecouldbe1 · 21/03/2015 23:46

hi
I am in contact with an ex of mine infact my 1st love, people might say you don't know what love is at that age but having been with people since and even married I know I did love him and I'm not sure ive ever loved anyone like him even my husband Sad
anyway we got back in touch a couple of years ago through facebook swapped numbers etc he lives a couple of hours away though where I used to live but every time I go home to see family we meet up and we text all the time
I think I'm falling in love with him again...if I even ever stopped?
when we are together its like we are a couple not about sex at all we havent had sex in 16 years but are so close emotionally when we see each other ( I think anyway )
we didnt split up for any bad reason there were no hard feelings we were just young and stupid and he has said he wishes he had realised what he had back then and held onto it
the situ atm is we text a few times a week and are constantly saying I wish I was there etc but no one ever goes any further
its eating me up shall I tell him I'm in love with him still or just leave it? I dont want to freak him out and loose his friendship

OP posts:
Jackw · 21/03/2015 23:52

Calm down. Don't tell him that you love him. If you are going to get back together, start with dating and then see how it progresses.

BertieBotts · 21/03/2015 23:54

Are you married now or single? Sorry I couldn't tell from your post. Is he?

I would be careful. It's easy to put a first love like that on a podium, an elevated rose tinted view of them, and the reality can be quite different.

If either of you are not single then run, if you're both single then I don't see any harm but I would be more cautious than perhaps in another relationship.

mygiddyantelope · 21/03/2015 23:57

I'm not sure what's stopping him now to hold on to it/you? unless you are still married?

Original poster
ifonlywecouldbe1 · 22/03/2015 00:40

we are both single just live a distance away from each other so don't get to see each other often

OP posts:
Figwin · 22/03/2015 00:59

Date! Far away? This is what weekends were made for. Hold back the L word, you never know he may say it first. Also 16 years is a long time for someone to change so you need to be sure you love the him now and not the him then. But mostly just enjoy it x

LucilleAndrews · 22/03/2015 01:18

Yes, you are being a bit stupid but you can progress this, but forget the love stuff for now. Start dating - sugget a meet up -and take it from there. It might work; it might not.

welloverdue · 22/03/2015 06:42

If you're both single what are you waiting for?!

Original poster
ifonlywecouldbe1 · 22/03/2015 18:40

I think if anything he has changed for the better a bit like grown up as we were both a bit reckless when we were young....all our former friends from back then have ended up in prison/on drugs/never had a job etc but he like me didnt want that lifestyle
a few weeks ago I went for a visit and we went out for a meal and drinks and ended up drunkenly chatting to an older couple who had been sitting at a table near us all night they were telling us what a sweet couple we looked so affectionate to each other etc and looked so in love....we're not even a couple tho atm we r nothing Sad
he is and always has been my benchmark that I judge men on as he's such a proper old fashioned gent and makes me feel incredible
I'm scared that no one will ever compare

OP posts:
turbonerd · 22/03/2015 19:02

Well, did he object to thectwo of you being taken for å couple.
I got together with an old friend. We never went out, but when we were teenagers, for 6-7years, we would meet whilst out or at parties and never got our act together. When he finally thought that it would be us, I was fed up waiting and went with someone else. (Have kicked myself for years for that, to be fair I had Even flashed him my boobs and he was too polite to make a move! I thought he didnt care...)
Fast forward 15 years, both out of relationships, we met again and he went for it. I decided to give it a go after a while, and now I'm going to be soppy, but he is the love of my life. Even if it goes to pots I will not ever regret having given it a go. The way we are together makes me ridiculously happy, the way we can talk and just feel comfortable together is bliss to me. We have Lots of kids between us and not much time just for us, but it is not a problem. No moving together, just taking the whole thing in our own tempo. Most definitely worth it!
So in short, you know you love him, take your time and give it a go when you are ready

Original poster
ifonlywecouldbe1 · 22/03/2015 19:14

we told the other couple we hadnt actually been a couple for 16 years they said well u clearly love each other why dont u get back together ( blatent I could have fell thru the floor ) n he replied I was an idiot letting her go all those years ago..I moved away thought he didnt like me anymore n never looked back
he told this couple she knows how I feel about her though n I wish she lived here
I dont know how he feels about me though!!!! maybe that was the drink talking??

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 22/03/2015 19:19

he told this couple she knows how I feel about her though n I wish she lived here

Uhmmm... What do you think he was trying to tell YOU when he said that, out loud, in front of you???

Seriously one of the pair of you needs to take the bull by the horns, like, now.

Ask him out, OP.

Original poster
ifonlywecouldbe1 · 22/03/2015 19:31

im too scared! I keep thinking if thats what he wanted he would have said at some point lets try make a go of us again?
we have conversations all the time about should move to near me but atm its not practical and we literally see each other maybe twice a year but text everyday
he txts me at night saying hes going to sleep as then he can dream I'm next to him and then in the morning texts me to tell me what he dreamt its all so sweet but we are 100s of miles apart and havent/won't see each other for months Sad

OP posts:
mygiddyantelope · 22/03/2015 23:34

why can't you meet up on weekends, OP, at least once a month for now? I think living thefantasy is really bad, you aer kind of stuck neither here nor there. Can you ask him directly whether he wants to see you more often? surely if he loves you he'd make efforts! I'm just worried he prefers to live in a fantasy world. You need to find out.

Original poster
ifonlywecouldbe1 · 22/03/2015 23:44

mygiddyantelope neither of us drive and he has just been made redundant so is really hard to see each other atm
I worry that what you said that he likes the fantasy of it might be true hence why I haven't said anything too much to him
all the heartfelt messages I get from him may be that too its all so confusing and I'm always trying not to say too much as I dont want to wreck things

OP posts:
honeyroar · 23/03/2015 00:14

He sounds head over heals crazy in love with you! What more could he do to let you know! You sound smitten. Tell him!

BlackDaisies · 23/03/2015 06:32

I don't know. I also think if he really wanted to make a go of it he would. No one would really want to conduct a non relationship for so long. The cynic in me says there's a reason he is holding back. Having said that, I think you need to broach the subject. Ask him outright if he wants to make a go of it. What's happening is not making you happy, so don't let the situation go on indefinitely.

welloverdue · 23/03/2015 06:35

If he has been made redundant he should have loads of time to come and visit you. I think this is a non-starter if you only see each other twice a year.

turbonerd · 23/03/2015 06:51

Wont it be better to know if its all a fantasy? At least then you wont be stuck dreaming the what ifs.
It sounds like he is in love but maybe for similar reasons wont make the first definite step.
The not knowing would kill me, have a conversation on the phone if Meeting up is too tricky, lay it all out and ask him fir an honest response.

GoatsDoRoam · 23/03/2015 11:05

im too scared! I keep thinking if thats what he wanted he would have said at some point lets try make a go of us again?

Perhaps he thinks the same thing.

Or perhaps he is pathologically incapable of having a real relationship and feels safer in a long-distance non-relationship where you are both kept dangling, hooked on a fantasy.

Either way isn't it better to FIND OUT?

Unless you want to keep living in the fantasy and the what-ifs. Sounds emotionally exhausting though.

springydaffs · 23/03/2015 11:49

Perhaps he is stuck on you moving away - he said as much to that couple "she upped and left" - and still feels 'left'?

Oh op just ask him! Say 'where are we going, what do you want?' Etc. You're both skirting around the elephant in the room!

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