Does love actually exist?

[Andrise]

I'm not talking parent/child love, which definitely exists, but the sort of love between partners which you read about and see in the movies. The sort of love where someone wants you to be happy more than they want something for themselves, a love which is supportive and protective and where your partner thinks you are lovely and continues to think that even as you age (don't care about whether they are dashing, wealthy Mr Darcys).

I have had only one relationship in my adult life which was pretty abusive and certainly did not meet any of my needs. Now thankfully divorced, I have no intention of ever having another relationship, but I do wonder whether all this love stuff between partners even actually exists since I have no yardstick to measure it by.

What do people think?

Yes, it does. Take heart, chuck, they aren't all bad.

I don't think movie style romance is anything to measure a relationship by. I have never known anyone to realise 'he's the one' for example, and go rushing from the room to stop them boarding a flight.
Of course romantic love does exist and grows stronger the longer you are together. It is about becoming less selfish and appreciating all the positive aspects of your husband's character and also realising that any mistakes are just blips and not done with any malice. It grows into unconditional love which is very deep and provides a sense of contentment. Of course, if a relationship is abusive and someone is conciously hurting you then you are better off alone.

I am very sorry that you have had this experience Op. I am sure part of you does realise that of course 'love' exists - though possibly for most people real life love doesn't always resemble the movie type!

Have you had or considered counselling? You do sound very embittered by your relationship.

Life can be wonderful and fulfilling as a single person. But I think that should be a positive choice that you make, rather than the response of someone who has suffered greatly in a bad relationship.

Yes it does. It absolutely does.

It isn't a fairytale, and it isn't unconditional like a child/parent love. It can be hard work, but it is very real and completely invaluable.

Thank you both for your replies. Yes I had already pretty much discounted the romantic stuff (would be very embarrassing in real life I would have thought!), but I have wondered for a long time if some people do genuinely seek the happiness of the other person. I'm not expressing it very well, but, for example, if my exH had bought me a nice birthday present that would have been because he wanted to feel that he was a very generous person and be able to tell other people what he had done rather than thinking what I would have liked IYSWIM.

glitter, so where if it's not unconditional, ot means it cn end at any time, that's not quite what Op is talking about, the deep love for the real imperfect person. Of course if you mean that 'condition' is being loyal or at least mostly loyal is enough for some, and being unabusive, then ok, but otherwise the wholepoint of it is being close to parental and unconditional.

It does exist. I think some people commit themselves to relationships that aren't loving but that doesn't mean love does not exist. I wouldn't close yourself off to the possibility of meeting someone else. Love is worth having if you find it.

Yes, real love exists.

sorry for bungled first sentence - no 'where' , and 'it' not 'ot'.

My dh is exactly as you describe, putting me first and loving me no matter what.
I was 39 when I finally met him though after a few non runners!!
Hope u get yours one day soon.

YEs, of course it does.
Not the film stuff necessarily, but this stuff :

The sort of love where someone wants you to be happy more than they want something for themselves, a love which is supportive and protective and where your partner thinks you are lovely and continues to think that even as you age

Try watching '24hours in A&E' for a few examples of ordinary, everyday couples faced with the thought of losing their partner.

Andrise, there are men out there who are kind, loyal and giving. THey can sometimes be a bit harder to find as they are often the quiet ones who do not put themselves forward! (ime anyway). Don't let the previous cruelty put you off.

So mygiddy - you are telling me that my love for my DH isn't true love?

The reason I describe my love for him as conditional, is that I couldn't stand by him if he raped/murdered etc. I think the deep biological bond I have with my son would withstand that. It would destroy me, but I'd still love him.

I'd have to stop loving my DH if he did something truly abhorrent.

Yes it does. Not exactly like in the movies but what you describe about happy and supportive love, it does exist.

Sorry to hear that you've been through hell but good that you recognised it wasn't working and now you're out.

I think it's very normal to feel like you will never love again following a bad relationship. Personally, I tend to just feel things and people out (not literally), I have been hurt but it hasn't stopped me from loving again. It has made me more aware and very alert to red flags but that's no bad thing.

I don't buy into any of the 'when you're least expecting it' shit nor do I buy into the kind of love portrayed in films. It is not at all like real life and real love.

Although you have no yardstick to measure by, you clearly realised that your exH didn't meet your needs. Go forward knowing you are worth respect, trust and love. Anyone offering you anything less is not worth your time or head space.

Thank you for all your replies. I genuinely don't want another relationship as I value my independence far too much, but I have teenage children and I would like to be able to give them at least half way decent relationships advice in the very unlikely event that they ever ask me!

Your ExH sounds like a pretty nasty piece of work. There are loads of good guys out there - look at the replies you got so far. Lots of us have married good'uns!

You've been badly burned and you need a bit of time to be very kind to yourself. Don't worry about finding/not finding/being thrilled to be alone situation right now. Just focus on nurturing and being good to yourself.

I totally agree with glittertits

My DH and I have been together 21 years and we each put the happiness of each other before our own. That's why it works. Our thoughts are that we are married to make the other person happy, not ourselves.

Likewise, it is conditional for both of us. Love each other as we do, we wouldn't love unconditionally, but then we couldn't conceive of either of us breaking those conditions either.

Life has thrown some shit at us but when it does this draws us closer together, it doesn't pull us apart.

Andrise, so sorry you have had such a bad experience. My dh and I do things for each other because it pleases us to see the other happy. His pleasure makes me happy and vice versa. So whatever you give, you always get more back. I wouldn't say it is movie love, it's not dramatic or intense. But we are miserable when we have to be apart for longer than a few days and always have each other in mind whatever we are doing. We make each other happy (most of the time, anyway!).

glitter I did say that I understand when the only condition is 'unabusive' - that of course mean not a violent criminal. But in reality most people have a whole list of conditions and let's face it, not many find deep unselfishly loving partners who last the distance! It's probably easier to find in later life as people are more tolerant and value support and kindness while the young are oftem impressed by big romantic gestures which don't mean 'in sickness and in health' or loving someone imperfect (which most people are). So many men base their lasting commitment on physical attraction.

Oh and our relationship doesn't take away our independence, it gives us the wings we need to be better than we could be alone.

"The whole point of it is being close to parental and unconditional" sorry antelope but that is total bullshit!
Parental love is unconditional and involves one party being dependant on the other with the aim of helping the dependant grow and develop and become independent.
Romantic love should be mutually beneficial and should absolutely be conditional on a person continuing to be a good an honest partner. The aim is not to strengthen one person to leave so us fundamentally different from parental love.

The OP is capable of expressing what she is talking about perfectly clearly.

Yes, love is real. The existence of fake gold doesn't mean there's no real gold: and the fake 'for show' love you might have seen with your ex is the exception, not the rule. Hope that gives you some hope. :-)

Thinking of the gift example: you'd buy a gift for a friend hoping she'd like it, I'm sure, rather than because it would make you look good. You would do the same for a partner; and a good partner would do the same for you.

You can have unconditional love for someone who isn't your child. It is about souls connecting, and not having to prove you are always worthy of being loved

yes I agree with mrsruffallo, of course you can love unconditionally. I did say 'close to parental' not the same as parental. It is exactly about sould connecting as mrs says, then you can forgive imperfections. And I will repeat, I never said that unconditional goes as far as taking abuse or criminal behavoiur (though clearly some women are in love and correspond with murderers in prison but who knows whether it's love or some co-dependency thing). The soul love is not something that everyone seeks though, some peopl;e prefer to chose and love the list of qualities partners have, with men it usually has to include looks he finds attractive) - sorry to be cynical but lots of men marry and tolerate a lot from a woman he finds good looking or sexually very attractive, whereas he wouldn't tolerate the same or anything close with a woman who is just average in his eyes - that type would need to have a whole host of other good qualities for him to commit long term. I've seen it many times. That;s why very beautiful women are often spoilt and some are like brats.

I have been questioning this myself op and although I love my children and my immediate family, I don't think I am capable of loving a partner in a romantic sense.

I also think love for a partner changes. I have not experienced a love which grows or endures for a long time. For me there is a short exciting honeymoon period, then it's all downhill. (I am probably not typical.)