Please help, advice needed re difficult ex and children issues

[trickyex]

I am recently divorced and am struggling with my ex. He was very controlling while we were together and is very difficult to deal with.

He regularly asks to change access arrangements for our DSs who are 10 and 7 and so far I have tended to agree, partly to avoid conflict and also because I always did fit in around him when we were married.

But I am very worried about holiday arrangements this summer and am really at a loss about how to deal with it.

On past trips abroad (he has taken the DSs away before) he has left them on their own in hotel rooms (for short periods) and, most worryingly, left them on their own in a hotel pool. I only found out about this from the boys, who told me when they got back, as they had been told off by a hotel staff member (the pool has no lifeguard, DS2 was 6 at the time and a weak swimmer, not wearing armbands).
Ex also forgets to use sunscreen which has resulted in DS2 getting sunburn on his face.

I also have concerns about ex accessing porn on his ipad which the DSs use, he doesn't wipe his browsing history and the DSs use the ipad unsupervised. I have raised this but I wasn't happy with his response.

ExH wants to take the boys abroad for a two week holiday this summer to a villa offered by a friend, he will be there alone with the DCs. I have no idea about the villa location/layout/pool and am worried about my ex's tendency to disappear off for a fag/have a few beers at lunch time and the obvious risks to the DSs' safety.

I raised this with him on the phone recently when discussing holiday arrangements and he laughed at my concerns and told me that I had no need to worry about the pool issue as DS1 is a good swimmer....

How can I best deal with this? Any advice would be much appreciated.

I really feel for you it's such a hard situation. I myself am in your situation and have gone through these issues also. unfortunately if he has joint custody or pr he's entitled in the eyes if the law to take the children in holiday and care for them..... Try talking to him expressing why in a calm collective way. I actually took advice from my solicitor. I'm not sure what contact your ex has with your children ? It's a tough job letting the kids go and in your own mind you feel bad as you know it's the father but not all supervise responsibly, of course there are good fathers who are more than capable of taking good care. Try and be strong but I would say if your really not happy seek advice. Best of luck

Thanks for your reply, I did wonder if I should have posted in AIBU for traffic, bit feeling a bit too fragile for that.
I did seek legal advice and was told that short of going to court to have access and holiday arrangements drawn up then there wasn't much I could do, unless I wanted to try and stop them going away.

Ex has PR and sees the DSs every Weds night and EOW Fri-Sun, though he often changes things to fit in around his work (he is very successful and a high earner).
I cant afford to pay a lawyer to take it to court and cannot self represent so I feel a bit stuck, hence posting here.

Being apart from my ex seems harder in some ways than being married as I have all the responsibilities of the daily care of the DSs but with less money and the added worry of issues cropping up when they are with their father....
Feels like he is still controlling me even though we no longer together.

I have every empathy with you. It's so hard and you will feel like that for a while longer. Please stay strong and just keep focused. I promise you things will get better, life does go on and you will feel happy and settled again.
Try to reason with your ex if you can and try and trust him to take the best possible care of your children. It all seems so unfair and is mothers do go from being in a financially stable situation to worrying about every penny. You can and will do this ??

I suggest a chat with Women's Aid. Not all lawyers are very good at dealing with abusive men, but when a man has form for putting his children at serious risk (leaving a 6 year old unsupervised in a swimming pool, for instance) there may be something you could do to restrict his contact.

Thanks, I will speak to Women's Aid SGB.
My solicitor was good but used to dealing with financial matters mostly I think and I don't think got the proper sense of how controlling my ex is and just how lax a parent he is.
I do find it very worrying, I have to admit it is not the first time either that the DSs have been left alone in a hotel pool when I wasn't there.
Difficult to divorce a man like that and feel your kids are at risk.