Don’t really know where do I begin...
I read mumsnet relationships boards quite regularly and posted before under different names.
I always find the advice here very much thought provoking.
My ‘problem’ is my loneliness and feeling as if nothing more is to happen for me in this life.
I am 37, with 8 year old DD, and I haven’t been in a relationship since splitting with ex. He was my first proper relationship, we got together when I was 22. He was my second sex partner and last, till last year. We have been separated for 3 years, STBXH was my big love but his alcohol issues and then affair destroyed everything. I think I gave my all to save my marriage&family, but it all crumbled anyway, as he just didn’t want to commit and chose easier life, with much younger woman who apparently doesn’t require as much as I did from him and is happy for him to be an alcoholic.
Part of me still loves ex in a way, he will always be someone very important to me, a father of my child and someone who used to be my best friend and my whole world. It’s impossible to erase 12 years of relationship. Still, I had to and somehow I managed to move on. We went NC a couple of months ago, and only communicate via texts re our daughter. I see him every 2 weeks for 1-2 minutes when he picks up/drops off our girl. Divorce is to happen this year.
Within past 1,5 years I was emotionally involved with a married man. I really fell for him, and he had feelings for me too, but nothing could ever happen between us, as he chose staying faithful to his wife and family. I have nothing but respect for him for that and I know it’s better this way. But there are no day for me without thinking of him and there is still that sense of loss that we never have had and never could have had a chance to be together. I haven’t seen him for nearly a year, and went NC too.
I have been receiving counselling for nearly 3 years now, with breaks. It has been very helpful and basically came down to the fact that I have very low self esteem and I am a giver, people pleaser and always put everybody first and myself last. I have issues about my looks as I am overweight. I seem to cope well in terms of all life arrangements, have stable job, no major financial worries and pretty well organised life but I feel drained emotionally and just tired of coping that well, on my own.
I miss a man in my life. Someone to have and to hold, to share life with. Not to help me or support me as such, as I am doing well, but mainly being there for me emotionally.
I am tired of constant mood swings and living the life of a lonely single mum in her late thirties. Majority of last year and a bit this year I tried internet dating, met a few men, and it always if the same scheme. They want sex, not relationships. I had a one night stand and fuck buddies phase, and even have enjoyed having sex with two or three men but deep down I know this is just not what I want and need. I am very much family orientated and appreciate simple joys in life... and I do not have it. I would like to have a commited and loving husband or partner and more children. My DD keeps dreaming about a sibling. All my family is overseas, so it’s just me and my girl living here in the UK. We have good friends around and do socialise, are quite busy on a daily basis and I do appreciate it all a lot. But I miss family life. Shameful to say but... sometimes I feel like just me and my girl are not enough, as if we were not a complete family. That another child and/or a man would just change the dynamics of our household and add the right balance to all.
Weekends when my DD is with ex, as well as evenings are sometimes hard, as I just think that there is nothing for me to look forward to. I would like to go out sometimes with a man who I’d love and who’d love me, or, alternatively spend an evening on the sofa watching movies, with cuddles, or even doing boring stuff and share duties. I am busy on everyday basis, but there is that empty space in my heart, in my mind, in my bed and in my house that nobody wants to fill. And I do not want just anybody, I want something for real and good now. If not, then I prefer to be on my own. I am tired of pointless dating and no string sex but I know I will turn to it probably again and again, as it gives me substitute of affection and excitement. I cannot deceive myself though, I know too well it’s not what counts in life and what I want in life:(