The relationship is over, so why is he behaving like this?

[WildFlowerWoman]

Please don't lecture me about the rights and wrongs of NOT dating your boss because I already know. Anyway here goes...

Until recently I was happily dating my boss. However, he recently decided to end it because he was unable to consummate the relationship due to the fact that he has an ongoing problem with ED and was worried that he could not satisfy me sexually. He was able to satisfy me in other ways, but we never had penetrative sex in the whole 6 months I was seeing him. I tried to tell him that it didn't matter because I enjoyed doing other things, but he said he felt I deserved better and in any case he was still getting over his divorce (been divorced 9 months but I gather it was quite traumatic).

I felt sad that it was over because I really liked him, but tried to hold my head high in the office and go about my daily duties as normal. For the first few weeks all seemed to be going well and we even managed to laugh and joke as normal. However, last week he found out from another colleague that I was going on a blind date after work and since then he has ignored me. I tried to make idle conversation with him before I left the office on Friday, but he didn't bother to lift his head from his computer to look at me so I just turned on my heels and went home.

I don't understand why he is behaving this way. He was the one who ended the relationship not me! I would have been quite happy to carry on and see if we could overcome his problem but he didn't want to.

Can anybody shed any light on what is going on here because I haven't got a clue. Does he want me leave? Does he feel uncomfortable seeing me knowing that he was unable to consummate the relationship? Does he still have feelings for me? What is going on?

I'm really worried because if he carries on like this, I'll have to look for another job!

Sounds like he doesn't really want you to move on. I suspect you were supposed to pine after him for months, to make him feel better about himself.

Just ignore him. You're entitled to move on with your life. At some point you may want to remind him that he has more to lose than you do if the relationship becomes known at work - as it will do, if he continues to treat you differently from other employees.

"At some point you may want to remind him that he has more to lose than you do if the relationship becomes known at work - as it will do, if he continues to treat you differently from other employees."

Good point tribpot, I like it!

Hard to know, from what you say.

If the ED thing is a big hang-up (and it often is), it could be that his default position is to push people away because he is expecting rejection or ridicule. He may still have feelings for you but have been ridden with insecurities and the fact you are moving on and dating others has upset him.

He may just have been having a bit of fun and may now be feeling awkward and regretting having got into an uncomfortable position with a colleague.

He may still have issues hanging over him from his divorce which are making him unhappy and therefore behaving like an arse.

Whatever, I think you need to stop trying to second guess his thoughts and focus on you. The relationship is unlikely to have a future. Relationships at work can work, but if they don't they have a habit of turning really messy. If you think you can get to a point where things are cordial and professional but not an issue for either of you then keep your head down for a bit and leave him to it.

If not and it is upsetting you it may be time to look for a new job. Unhappy/unrequited emotional entanglements at work are a nightmare and often not only for the protagonists themselves but for their colleagues as well.

newname, thanks for the reply. He was besotted with me at one time so I think he' s pushing me away because he feels insecure about not being able to consummate the relationship. For the first few weeks I flirted with him a bit even though I knew the relationship had ended. I suppose I was hoping he might change his mind but eventually realised that he couldn't give me what I wanted - not just the sex, but the fact that he's not ready for a relationship. I can't help but feel a bit sad that's it's over because I still like him. I agree that I should stop trying to second guess his thoughts but I don't think I am over him yet.

You won't get over him whilst you're obsessing over his motivation on a Saturday night. Let it go - you've no idea why he's behaving like a twat, and there's no benefit to you in trying to figure it out.

How realistic is a sideways move into another firm? Not that you should feel you have to leave, but is it an option?

tribpot, I wouldn't say I was obsessing over his motivation, but you're right that I shouldn't be thinking about him, let alone on Saturday night of all nights.

Strange that I am giving him a second thought because he's not the most attractive man on the planet that's for sure. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what I saw in him and other times I feel like giving him a kiss and a cuddle.

I am looking for another job (just in case) but there doesn't seem to be much out there at the moment.