Mantras, counting to 10, time outs, alcohol - what do you do to tune out of a difficult relationship?

[shovetheholly]

PIL visiting this weekend, at a very difficult time. Am struggling more than usual to maintain a state of equilibrium around them.

What do you do to stay calm and collected around difficult relatives?

I stay away from them.

Could you cancel their visit?

Have you talked to your OH about this?

Remind myself of the progress I've made in weaning DH off them, and plan the campaign in more detail.

And alcohol.

Oh, I didn't want this to be all about me!!

PIL are already here - arrived Friday, won't leave until Monday. It is MIL's birthday today. DH realises that they are difficult but loves them as a dutiful son and I don't want to get in the way of that. (NC and avoidance are not an option).

I'm unusually vulnerable because I had surgery about 10 days ago and on Thursday my beloved cat, who was the light of my life*, died. DH and I didn't want to disappoint MIL, but I am struggling far more than I realised I would. All of their behavioural tics (constant bossing and undermining comments, reading out every shop sign as we drive past, snobby remarks, bickering, taking 3 hours to get ready to go out) are irritating me far more than is reasonable or rational because my guard isn't just down - it's fallen off.

*I recently found out I can't have children, so my cats are very much my child-substitutes. I am trying to embrace the role of mad old cat lady, but my darling went and died on me.

Hmmm, you have flu-like symptoms and need to retire to your bed whilst DH takes them out A LOT to prevent them catching it from you.

I am arranging lots of activities for them that I can't do. They are at a beer festival right now and I am curled up at home watching netflix. Getting a break does make it a LOT easier. They are like the Borg - everything has to be done together, all of the time. There is no alone time. As an introvert, I find this exhausting.

Oh god, the reading out of EVERY shop sign. WHYYY do they do that? It's one of the most irritating things ever. Maybe it's in the "How To Be Really Annoying Manual."

Hubby needs to protect you. Reminding them you're under the weather. And not to behave like dicks while you're in recovery from surgery and grieving for your cat.

And about your lovely cat. I remember your posts about it on the Litter Tray board.

I suppose it depends on why the relationship is difficult and how easy it is to avoid confrontation. If there's a long history of poor relationship between you and they're aware you dislike them and they are are argumentative horrors who actively look for things to make trouble over then to be honest I'd probably just give my apologies and go out, on the basis that if the relationship is so strained and fraught anyway, them knowing you've opted to be absent for their visit is hardly going to make it any worse.

If I just don't much like or get on very well with somebody, I just try to keep things very brisk and breezy. Talk about things which can't possibly offend or cause an argument and even make an inane subject change if necessary mid-conversation: I get practice at this at work, so it's fairly easy for me! I put on my good hostess hat and spend a lot of time prepping food and drink in the kitchen. If I had DC I'd encourage granny and grandad to focus their attention there.

What are the usual flash points? Does your OH take responsibility for entertaining his parents and try to break up difficult atmospheres? He needs to be doing so.

OMG - invasion of the BORG, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Do they like dogs? If not, may I suggest that you acquire one before their next visit?

Very sorry to read about your beloved cat, ours are actually very loving and will be greatly missed when the time comes.

Sorry OP - cross posted with your last post so my comment re DC looks really insensitive. I'm so sorry.

I would make my excuses and go to bed. Make it clear you are upset over your cat, and you're feeling ill to boot following the surgery. Your OH can be dutiful - it's him they've come to visit.

So sorry about your cat.

Can you have a cross stitch (or needle point, knitting etc) to do with your hands, eyes, and mind while they are there? Then you can conceivably only half listen, and say "Oh, really" every once in a while to not be rude back.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

I think you're too far gone for mantras and pil bingo this weekend ! You'll be spending most of the weekend in your bedroom recovering from your op. You need lots of sleep/rest/peace and quiet. You're not feeling very bright because you've just lost your beloved pet. What part of that can't they understand ?

Comtesse - please don't worry about it! I am grateful for your advice.

They are not aggressive or horrible deliberately - a lot of the stories on here are far, far worse. They are just incredibly insensitive, very patronising/bossy, and they don't 'do' emotion.

OK, so this is just me venting now... but booooooy does venting feel good right now. Bear with me.

Language, to them, is a set of noises that are uttered in order to prevent there being any silence - very little is ever actually communicated. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who looks down on small talk and thinks that everyone should be talking about Tolstoy or not speaking at all. It's more that they actually don't converse. They fire information/commands AT you, and never expect you to have any view on anything at all in return. Sometimes DH and I try to exchange a few words of a practical variety (did you turn the gas cooker off? No, I thought you did that? Oh shit, do you think we should go back and check?), and MIL will actually shout over both of us, and then make a kind of inane joke that she has clearly thought up on the spot for the sole purpose of interrupting (my favourite has to be the time where she repeatedly said my husband's name six times in a rapid crescendo to volume:foghorn, and then pointed out a traffic light). It is odd.

When we go to their house, we do exactly what they want, when they want to do it. When they come to you house, we do exactly what they want, when they want to do it. The idea that others might have their own preferences, thoughts, ideas or inner lives does not occur to them. They were massive bullies to DH when he was growing up and it has taken him a lot of therapy to get over it!

But I need to get over it and get back out there because I have another day and a half to spend with them, and DH loves them in spite of it all. So am now going to sit and think positive thoughts and try to remember it is MIL's birthday and she deserves to have a nice time. I have made her a massive chocolate and coffee cake, so I will go and light some candles, hitch on my best smile and crack open some champagne to celebrate her special day.

And I love the idea of mental cross stitch. What a great image that is. I am going to give it a go.

BIL sings 'Let it go!' under his breath at difficult moments, which is also v funny and actually does help.

Your BIL has just made me smile, what a great use for the most oversung song!!!

May a suggest you have a very, very long lay in tomorrow and let DH do the morning shift solo?

Random - now that really is a TOP idea.