Politics with friends - have I done something wrong here?

[whatwouldyoub1]

I have NC as I don't want to out myself.

I have friends from high school. They are still very much living in the same place where we grew up. I have moved away by about 2 hours, due to my career. I needed to be in a city, at least at this stage. Both myself and DO have quite stressful jobs. It means we see each other very little at the moment (though this will change when we are established in our careers and put in some groundwork).

Out of this group of friends, I spoke to 1 of them on a somewhat regular basis...though not as much as my closer friends who I have made since school (and my one best friend from school who isnt part of this group and never has been).

One of these girls has recently got engaged. She has an engagement party coming up. Unfortunately, it falls on the weekend that my DP gets back from 3 weeks working in Southampton. In addition, this engagement party is over a 2 hour drive (I don;t have a car at the moment), and the part is held in the middle of the countryside. I messaged this girl to explain that I wouldnt be able to make it, and she went crazy at me. This is a girl who hasn't once called me in the past 2 years. I have called her now and again, but felt like when we spoke it was me pestering her, as she didnt ask one thing about my life.

Anyway, I was quite shocked at her response. I had even suggested meeting her halfway and treating her to dinner at a later date so we could catch up. She wasn't having any of it. I was a bad friend, I was too focused on my work rather than my friends (I see my friends about 3 times a week who actualyl keep in touch with me!), and hadnt made an effort recently etc etc. I genuinely didnt expect this outburst from her. We were definitely close at school, but many years have passed since then and I wouldnt even personally class her as a close friend.

Because they are part of a group, I have felt kind of bullied, in a way, because she has been so nasty to me, yet nobody has bothered to message and ask if im ok etc. I suppose they are on her side because they have seen her consistently for such a long time now, whereas I cant remember when I even last spoke to some of them.

Why is this making me feel so down? Before this happened, I would never have called her, or any of them, about a problem etc. I wouldnt have messaged them if something positive happened in my life, either. So why am I so bothered by this? I have spoken to my best friend from school who knows of this group, and she is of the opinion that theyre not worth bothering about and never have been. I seem to have an insecurity problem where I dont like to fall out with anyone - I would rather be a pushover than walk away...why is that??

Does anyone think I have done something wrong here? And if not, can anyone help me ignore all this and move on and let it go? Part of me feels sad that clearly I have lost her friendship officially...although we havent been really friends for so long. I feel so confused.

It is making you feel so down because you are now faced with waving goodbye to such fond memories.

Being all equitable, you have ruined her rose tinted view of you all as the eternal musketeers and she has done the same for you own much cherished version of you younger self and friends.

Send her a lovely card, apologise for not being able to make it and wish her the very best. Then pick yourself up and move on....

The only thing you have done wrong is to have grown up without them. Don't dwell on it any more.

Of course you've done nothing wrong - her response was totally excessive.

If she is like this at engagement stage then watch out for bridezilla extremis for the wedding!

I would just wash my hands of her, but can see if she's part of a group why that might be hard so maybe send some flowers and a note to say you are sorry not to attend but hope she has a lovely party.

But don't feel bad - people move on in life and not all friendships survive the changes. Gut feel is that there's a bit of jealously on her part if I'm honest

Of course you have done nothing wrong. I think you feel bad because you don't like to think that you could be in the wrong, or be considered a bad friend. Perhaps you are a bit of a people-pleaser and always feel the need to be liked and be in people's good books? Obviously she was bang out of order, as you know, and is not a worthwhile friend. Try to accept that you can't please everyone. Maybe it's a good moment to break with this group of friends.

In my experience nobody will message to ask if you are ok, not because they are on 'her' side, but because they aren't getting involved. Fair enough imo.

I'd send a card and ignore the out pest but make no more effort as you clearly aren't friends, just part of the same friendship group.

No, you haven't done anything wrong OP. It's her behaviour that is unreasonable.

I think it's natural to feel upset and shocked at being treated that way. Being on the receiving end of aggression can make us feel very undermined, even if we know that it's unjustified.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I wonder if you are quite young - perhaps early 20s, maybe even younger than that? I wonder if you also feel bad because you're actually realising that it's time to let go of this relationship, which is recognising a kind of loss - even though it's already happened. It sounds to me as though your horizons have expanded and that you've moved on from this crowd of friends from school, whereas they are all still close. There is nothing wrong with that - it is a normal and natural response to life's flow. You probably don't know that many people from your primary school now - and, in the same way, as you get older, you may well leave friends from secondary school behind as well. Hang on to the good people - the ones who are there for you - for dear life, but let other acquaintances come and go.

No, you haven't done anything wrong, she sounds like a total diva.

The reason your friends haven't contacted you about it is because they know she is behaving in a crazy and entitled way but don't want to be put in a position of having to say that to her face.

To be honest it sounds like you dodged a bullet by not going to the party...

There are four types of friendship:

1. Where you care more than them about the relationship because it means more to you ("I will put up with Angelina Jolie's flakiness because ooh I have an Oscar winner as a friend").
2. A genuine equal friendship. ("She's my best friend and I'm hers")
3. Where they care more than you about the relationship because it means more to them ("I kind of like her but I don't need to make that much effort because I'm Angela Merkel and I know she likes having a leading politician as friend).
4. Friendships of convenience where neither party really gives a shit ("Sure let's go for coffee as you are right here in the office/at the school gates/in the college library but if you leave the office/school gates/library I can't be arsed to stay in touch.)

Unless you are in zone 2 or 4,there is always some kind of power play at work. Sounds like from her reaction to you that this is in Zone 3 for her.

She's upset because she wants you to turn up and you can't and aren't really that fussed. (Let's face it if she was your absolute best bud you'd make an effort).

I second send her a nice note/flowers etc and a genuine apology and move on.

You aren't being unreasonable.