How to stop him taking up headspace.

[LucilleAndrews]

Two years ago a 6 year relationship with XP ended - he found someone else and ended the relationship very unkindly. I was very hurt but kept my dignity, went NC and I coped despite having lots of crappy stuff going on in my life at the time. Since then life has got better and I've established a good social life and I work and keep busy. I'm late 40s.

During the relationship I took on lots of loans etc to pay off his debts (I know, I know). I did this willingly; there was no abuse or coersion. The way I looked at it, we were going to be together for the longterm - clearly not.

There's no way I can get any money from him - have looked into this thoroughly, so the financial effects of the relationship are going to be there for many, many years to come. I can manage; I'm not poor, but not as comfortable as I could have been if I'd not been such a prat managed the financial side of the relationship better.

I don't want him back, don't love him, but he enters my thoughts many times each day and I'm pretty sure this is about the money side (that its going to be years before the debts are paid off) that is the issue and that kind of keeps me linked to him which I don't want.

What I want to know is are there any tips/guidance/suggestions/techniques for stopping him entering my headspace so regularly. Its getting me down that he keeping popping into my thoughts. I want rid.

Sorry to hear your story. There are some truly horrible human beings around and you can't avoid all of them.
Distraction is good. Having projects you can switch your mind to when knobhead pops in. These can be aanything - garden planning, house renovation, shopping, learning a new skill/language etc. Maybe consider counselling too to sort through any unresolved stuff about the relationship. Go for walks- having a dog helps but good without too.
Meditation is good for managing your thoughtso. You can get cds etc from library or to buy. I would love to be able to do it but can only ever manage short bursts. It's really difficult to master.
Hope some of that helps

Thanks rumred

For me it has been time and acceptance, and getting sick of the thoughts!!!

I spend my savings on a man. He was in a situation and I helped him out, believing we would be together anyway, just like you. He was unwell and I paid his bills every so often. Now I sm left with no savings and a small credit card bill. My work reduced our salary due to the funding cuts so I lost about 400 a month, which was spending money. My basic salary took care of the bills.

Anyway cut to three years later and there are savings again, although very little for my comfort, and the credit card bill has gone.

I used to regularly feel so pissed off about it tho. He had said he would pay me back, but then I got sick of him and broken things off and he said I broek us up so screw me, I went back on my promise to him. But he was a nightmare nd I didn't want to marry him so how could he blame me? He took enjoyment from denying me the money back and oh God it used to f me off!!!

But time took care of all that and in the end I learnt a solid lesson. Judge people more, watch how they live etc. I also in a way feel that I took care of someone in their hour of need nd it's just one of those things. In that regard I also wish I had been happier to do it as I was mean to him at the end. Anyway that's probably not helpful!!

Good luck anyway x keep moving forwards into happiness and let this get further and further behind you x mindfully let it go when it comes and think about something else.

Maybe try the Paul McKenna book about mending a broken heart? I've heard good reviews of it and it may offer ways of detaching?

something thanks so much for sharing your experience - some similarities certainly to mine. I like the idea of moving forward into happiness and this shit getting further and further behind.

Pam i like Paul McKenna so will see what he can do for me

I've found hypnotherapy very helpful. Costly, but worth every penny.

Something very similar happened to me Lucille - I took out loans to pay off his debts, he earned more than me but I paid more of the bills, I was often giving him money towards the end of the month as he would have run out.

Then he buggered off with another woman just as I was about to start a high-pressured new job. Twat.

I found myself thinking about it a lot originally and getting very angry and fixated on the money (which he of course originally said he was going to pay back - never seen a penny. He also logged into my email account and deleted the emails referencing the loan.)

It has helped me to think of it as not a loss that came about through my stupidity, but as a very expensive life lesson. Never again would I ever lend someone money without a signed and notarised repayment agreement. Nor would I give someone money with the subconscious hope that somehow he would love me more for it.

The other thing that helped was finding out that the other woman kicked him out after 6 weeks and he had a heart attack and ended up in hospital. Shit happens, eh?

clean hadn't considered hypnotherapy....

pocket your post was really helpful especially with regards to viewing it as a life lesson, albeit a very expensive one.

Sorry to hear about your guy's heart attack

I found myself stuck dwelling on feelings of anger and stupidity after an abusive relationship ended. It took me quite (a year or more) to process what I had been through and quite how poorly I had been treated. I eventually realised that I was dwelling on these feelings far too much and that I needed to move on.

I started by allowing myself only a specific and finite time of day (when I was in the shower worked for me) to think about the relationship and how it made me feel. I allowed myself a month of this, then told myself I had to stop the dwelling.

I did some visualisation of packing up all the feelings of hurt, anger and shame and getting rid of them. I actually imagined them all going into a box which I then chucked in the ocean and watched it sink down into the depths. Or attaching them to a balloon and watching it float away out of sight into the sky. It sounds a bit wanky, but it helped me make the transition of letting go.

After that, I was just very strict with myself. Whenever I found myself thinking about the relationship or dickhead ex I stopped myself, and focussed on something else instead. I had a series of garden and DIY projects and would mentally plan these out instead.

Ultimately, your situation sucks. But there is nothing you can do to turn back time and stop it from happening. There is also no perfect way of resolving it now. The only thing you can do is to let it take up as little of your headspace and emotional energy as possible, so you don't go throwing good times after bad.

You say you are 'not poor' so is there any way you can pay off the bills sooner? Can you move your money around or save extra hard?

The sooner you can pay off the debt the sooner you can get closure.