How to support friend in this abusive relationship.

[AnnieSB]

At least I think it is abusive and controlling. Sorry this might be long and rambling, I'm trying not to make it identifiable.

My friend confided, I think she was at the end of her tether, that her husband makes her life a misery. He doesn't physically abuse her but he uses the threat of reporting her to authorities (she's depressed, unsurprisingly) and/or taking the children, and financial poverty. He gives her timescales to do things and meet targets. He works away so doesn't live at home all of the time and will check to see if things are tidy and in order; she said she's a nervous wreck in case he finds something wrong (starts ranting) or will 'clock' something not right e.g. a spillage in the fridge, cat litter not changed and save it to bring up later.
He gets drunk while he's away and will email calling her names, and with threats. He also calls to check upon her and will grow angry if his calls are not answered. He 'forgets' when she has an appointment and will call during and apologise. He's also started turning up unannounced she thinks purpose is to catch her out (her arrived on a weekend angry at lay ins until 9.30).

I'm worried for her as she says she feels less of a person and now has no confidence and feels constantly worried and paranoid, cleaning in great detail etc She doesn't love him but won't leave him as she says he's safer as a husband than an ex husband. Said she wouldn't leave unless could guarantee he'd never be able to find her. She says the children (3 over 5) are unaware.

He's also cheated on her many times in the past (I don't know if that has any relevance).

I need some insight into this as I would never have guessed anything was amiss. Though as a couple, in retrospect, I think they don't seem to speak to each other in public and he appears to ignore her and she is on edge. I think she regrets confiding and seems embarrassed if I tentatively broach the subject. She said she now has physical symptoms of shaking before he's due to arrive home How do you support somebody in a situation like this? What would you advise her?

Oh the poor woman. She'll never pass his tests, because they're designed to fail.
Put her onto Lundy Bancroft's book, and give her Women's Aid details. The one positive thing in all this is that he is away a lot and therefore she has the breathing space to explore and come to the conclusion (hopefully) that there is a better life out there for her.

And tell her that you're glad she has confided on you, she shouldn't feel embarrassed that she has confided in you, and she can continue to confide in you.

Thank you for replying.

I'll pass on the book details, that looks like just the thing, but she definitely wouldn't call women's Aid I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I don't live nearby and don't see her very often. I think family and friends are isolated, all of hers. Apparently he says things like he always encouraged her to meet up with and stay in touch with her family, but in reality she mentioned he constantly criticized them, and would mock her when she was very friendly with her family. She said it was easier to lose contact in the end.

I remembered one of the worrying things he said recently was that she would be better off killing herself because she's a bad mother. He also tells her to 'shut the f up' and that sort of thing and will use horrible insults, and if she disagrees with him on the smallest trivial domestic detail he'll fly into a rage. She says not to worry about the insults and the way he speaks to her now as it washes over her. She seems to spend a lot of time 'managing' him and trying not to provoke him, she won't even contact him at particular times of day when she thinks he's most likely to get angry.

He used to be physically violent, years ago apparently, but no longer does this. She said this is worse somehow.

The real and only answer is that she needs to leave, but that's easy for me to say. I wish I could help her to do that, and I hope she will one day. To stay in a loveless marriage would be awful to me, to stay in an abusive marriage in addition must be awful.

You might want to encourage her by saying that her children are definitely not unaware. They will certainly notice their mum physically shaking when she anticipates their dad coming home. What a terrible situation for her. She sounds incredibly afraid at the moment and I think all you can do is tell her you will be there for her and whenever she wants help to leave, you will do everything you can.

It's great that she's confided in you. I think you are really important as a listening ear now - she obviously trusts you.

If you can get her to read Lundy and call Women's Aid that would be a good step - perhaps you can offer to store emergency clothes/copies of important paperwork too. It might take her some time to really process what's happening so give her time to adjust from "this is my husband and family" to "OMG he is really abusive and to fix this I will have to turn my children's lives upside down - but it's worth it"

Yes, I wish I could help her to leave, in that I wish she would consider it now. I suspect it's a when the children have grown up scenario. I feel so helpless.

She knows he's an abuser, to the point that she said she no longer considers him her husband and despises him.

I don't know how he can live with himself to be honest. He must know he's doing this to her. I might take a look at that book myself.

He doesn't think like the rest of us - that's the problem.

Poor woman. Sounds like a living hell. Could you Send her a link to mumsnet?

Not being flippant, but if anyone can help, it's the Nest of Vipers.

She might ever only lurk, but surely the best thing she can do is read the stories from those who got out.

Yes send her a link to Reality's thread stickied at the top of this board. Reading that opening post might open her eyes a little and give her some strength. Poor woman, he sounds absolutely horrific. And of course he's not violent any more; he simply doesn't need to be - she's exactly how he wants her, and she knows he could be violent if he felt like it. One day he'll do something to one of the children, which may be her last straw. Is there a scapegoat child?