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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unfair or is DP no longer interested/being a sh*t?

7 replies

Bethanyoranges · 20/03/2015 16:52

Been with DP 3 years. We used to live together and but over the last 6/7 months he has had to work overseas quite a bit. Initially this was 3/4 weeks every month or so. After 6 months, I felt like we werent going anywhere I rarely saw him and I didnt feel I could be sure on a future with him if hes never around. We discussed this and he agreed, and said he would cut down the trips. Even when he was back our time was filled up with work and parents (who all live in different parts of the uk). 48 hours after agreeing to cut down the trips, he told me he had to another one within the next 3 weeks. I later found out that this was not true, when he admitted to me that he wished he hadnt gone, a week into it. Fast forward a few weeks later, and the plans to work overseas seemed off the cards for a whilethen he calls me one night to tell me hes been offered a great opportunity overseas for a fixed periodwe are unsure when this will end, but he hopes by Xmas. I was gutted I had just felt like we were about to get back on track, and then this came up. He has explained his reasons for wanting to go, and whilst I feel it isnt the best move for us as a couple right now, it will help him in the future career wise (though having said that, we are both established in our careers so it isnt strictly necessary on that front, either).

That is the background. I am here right now because having gone through with the decision to stick by him and work at us even when he is away (I have asked work for an extra week leave and we plan to book flights to see one another soon etc), but my DP seems completely oblivious to the fact that he needs to make an effort. We plan to speak everyday on my lunch hour, which is about 9pm for him. The last 10 times, he has managed to make this time on 3 occasions. Why? The first reason was he had no signal, the second he had no battery, then he was out and couldnt speakthe list is endless. Today really hurt because he forgot. Every lunchtime I leave bang on time to speak with him, I go somewhere quiet and make sure I have batteryall obvious stuff. I have never once let him down. I have cancelled and re-arranged lunches with friends to fit this in, because I feel it is important for the relationship that we have this continuity it is all we have under the circumstances. My DP sometimes then asks to call at around 3/4 pm here, when I am at work. I have explained to him that I am unable to talk at work hence why we have agreed lunchtime. I find is so disrespectful that he does this it really upsets mehe has me waiting around in my lunch hour, I hear nothing from him, then he wants to talk later onwhen hes remembered me, or charged his phone or got back from a night with mates. Today, he messaged again at about 3pm, and mid way through the chat, he disappeared and went offline. 2 hours later, (about midnight where he is), he messages to say his battery died and he was out so couldnt read the messages.

Am I being unfair to feel incredibly hurt by this behaviour? I realise that on some occasions, he might want an evening getting drunk/seeing friends/having a longer dinnerbut surely that should be a one off? Surely he can still fit into my time-frame, too? I also stay up late for him to call when he wakes upsomething that he never seems willing to do the other way around. I feel so upset by the situation as it is, without also feeling completely humiliated. I am embarrassed that I am waiting around for someone like that, it makes me feel like a teenager, not someone who has a DP who claims they want to spend their life with them. I dont know what to do 

OP posts:
Bethanyoranges · 20/03/2015 16:53

I don;t know why those random signs are on my post - apologies!

OP posts:
maras2 · 20/03/2015 17:06

Don't worry about the boxes beth They happen.So sorry but it seems as if he's just not into you.You're so trying to keep a relationship of sorts going with no help from His Majesty.He brings nothing to the table and never will.Best to get rid now before you invest anymore in your so called relationship.Sory if this sounds harsh but you sound so nice and he sounds like a waste of space.Best wishes.You could do so much better.

tribpot · 20/03/2015 17:08

having gone through with the decision to stick by him and work at us even when he is away

This was your decision. He certainly doesn't seem to have made the same decision. You want to keep the relationship alive and growing, he's basically happy to put it in stasis until he returns.

Likewise you think you have had multiple discussions in which you make clear you want a relationship with someone who is in the country most of the time, he appears to agree with this and then goes off and does his own sweet thing anyway. Not sure how many times it will take before you see the pattern?

Didn't you post about this recently? It seems very familiar, including the 'used to live together' thing which seems odd.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2015 17:10

One person alone cannot keep a relationship going; you seem to have invested far more in this than he has done and you're making the bulk of the effort. I do not think he wants to be tied down to a relationship at all. Its not his words you need to just look at, its his lack effort and even overall interest. Its basically implying that he cannot be bothered to keep this going; its over really bar the shouting.

I would wish him well and end this relationship now before you get further hurt and disappointed.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/03/2015 17:11

I agree with PP: you can't keep a relationship going all by yourself, with only minimal, grudging input from the other person.
It does sound as though his work is his first priority, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but people who are very driven by work don't tend to make good partners. I would strongly advise you agree to separate, wish him well and start looking for a man who is willing to prioritize a relationship with you.

Withershins · 20/03/2015 17:12

I think he has shown you who he is...believe him!

loveyoutothemoon · 20/03/2015 18:31

I'm sorry but him repeatedly making excuses as to why he's not been in touch, isn't that telling you something?

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