Sorry in a advance for the long post.
I really just need some tips/advice on how to assert myself with my parents. In recent years (and at times in the past) I have found them to be suffocating and controlling. They mean well but they see me as a child who needs protection from the big bad world. It is having quite an impact on my well being. I feel the need to seek their approval and at the same time am constantly battling against them when ever I make decisions... no matter how big or small.
I am 33, lone parent to 3yo DD. I am currently going through a divorce and ended up moving back to my home town. I am in counselling for the second time since I left stbxh over two years ago... the first was to deal with EA and dealing with being a lone parent and this time around it's to help with anxiety (now almost under control!), self confidence and my relationship with my parents.
My parents are decent people and very loving but they are just too emotionally invested in my life and I often feel guilty for disappointing them. They are very close to DD but they interfere terribly, which is frustrating for me and confusing for DD. In a recent counselling session it became clear that they treat DB and DS the same but I suffer the brunt of it as for some reason I am more available to them. I am a people pleasure, which doesn't help!
I am at a point in my life where I have gained a lot of my confidence back and no longer feel vulnerable but for some reason my parents do not respect me.
I'm desperate to move out of my home town to a bigger city. My parents are aware of this but are desperate for me to stay. Between uni and getting married I have lived away from hometown and DP know about my aspirations.
I called DM earlier to update her on my job hunting (I'm currently applying for full time jobs - returning to work is quite a big deal for me) and talk about eclipse (she'd texted me about it earlier) and it went something like this...
Me: Hi, I've just had a great appointment with Brook St
DM: Brook St, isn't that in London?"
Me: No, in hometown. You know I'd love to live in London again but can't afford it. I'm actually thinking about moving to Manchester but won't be until the end of the year. Anyway, I'm waiting to hear back about...
DM: What will you do about babysitters?
ME: Baby sitters?
DM: Yes, babysitters. I won't be able to babysit if you live in Manchester.
Me: I'm sure I'll make friends.
DM: Well, I'll be too far away. You won't get any time to yourself.
Me: DD's dad will be less than an hour away so her routine won't be disrupted and she'll get to stay with him every other weekend. Anyway, I doubt I'll need or want a babysitter for a while as I will be focusing on helping DD settle into our new area.
DM: Don't mention it to your dad. He'll just worry about you.
Me: Why?
DM: He always worry about you and you'll be so far away.
ME: It's only 2.5 hours away.
DM: Yes, I remember the journeys to visit Auntie... You don't know anyone there. You'll be lonely. You get lonely here so you'll be lonely there.
Me: Right, well I won't be lonely as I'll be working and will meet people in the local area.
DM: Manchester's too expensive you can't afford to live there.
Me: Have you actually checked out rents? I have and it's not much more than round here. I'd like to move to Sale, they have great schools in the Trafford area.
DM: You just ask so and so and what's her name, a three bedroom house in that area costs blah blah blah...
Silence.
Me: Any way, I just wanted to let you know about the jobs I've been put forward for.
DM: I think you're making a mistake.
Me: Mmmm, I'm in Fatface, they have some lovely stuff at the moment. You should take a look next time you're...
DM: Can you afford to go shopping? You haven't got any money!
Me: I just popped in to have a look whilst I was on the phone to you. Mum, why are you so rude to me? Would you have said that to anyone else? I feel that you and Dad are often rude to me and I don't know why you do it.
DM: I'm not being rude I just know you haven't got any money. I need to carry on with my work now.
Me: Bye...
Rang DB feeling totally deflated. He advised that I call her and explain that she upset me because I always bottle these things up and it's not healthy. I need to stand up to DPs more so that they are more respectful.
I call DM...
DM: (In floods of tears) You've really hurt me my heart is breaking!
Me: Sorry, I don't understand. Why is your heart breaking?
DM: I knew you didn't like me but now I realise that you hate me!
Me: I don't hate you. Is this because I'm moving away? You and Dad have always known that's what I'm going to do.
DM: You've really hurt me and I've been sitting here crying and my heart is breaking.
Me: I'm really sorry I didn't mean to upset you. I was actually calling because you upset me. I feel like you don't respect me as an adult and I'm 33! I want to share my news with you and it's so hard because you and dad never seem to listen, instead you tell me that I'm wrong and what I should be doing.
After a bit of small talk and awkward silences DM ended the call.
Gah! This is so petty!!! I realise this.
How do I stop acting like a teenager around my parents and earn their respect? I'm sick of the battles and the guilt.
Every thing I do seems to affect them. My dad snoops around my house and garden and buys me things I haven't asked for, like a cover for my garden bench because he noticed the back is peeling. The back of the bench is against a brick wall, I can't remember the last time I've looked at it. I mentioned to him that I would like a new bike and he's bloody chosen one for me!? Even told DB and his girlf. It's just drivingme mad and I feel like I can't breathe or do/say anything right.
Well done if you've read this far! I think the rant has done me good.