My friend has requested that I ask for your advice

[BoredAdminGirl]

This is written word for word by my friend (who does not want to sign up to this. Unfortunately I am not sure what advice to offer)

I am a lesbian who has been with my wife for 5 years, married for one.

Many years ago we broke up temporarily and I slept with my ex, I never confirmed this to my wife (girlfriend at the time) but the evidence was there. We rebuilt our relationship, we hadn’t been together an awful long time, a year maybe.

She had fought and fought to have me back, we have certainly had our ups and downs and she has been pretty aggressive during tough times but that is something we have genuinely overcome and she has been a loving partner since with genuine remorse for the past.

We married last April and have even been discussing IVF to start our own family.

Last weekend after watching the rugby at home and having (quite) a few drinks, she announced that she was going to ring her ex (from 10+ years ago) for closure that she never got. My friends believe she never got over her and she was very much in love with her. This is an ex who has recently been commenting on photos of my wife from over five years ago on Facebook (giving the impression that she is browsing through my wife’s profile and photos.

Anyway, so she said she is going to ring her for closure, I was drunk and can’t remember why I allowed this but I did and subsequently listened to my wife flirting with her down the phone. I got angry and downed a lot of whisky resulting in me passing out into a deep sleep on the floor. The next day my wife was nowhere to be found and the car gone. When she eventually turned up in the afternoon she tried lying and saying she was at her brothers house. She wasn’t, she had driven drunk about 20 miles (something which is completely out of character. This is a girl who, after a night out won’t drive until the following evening ensuring she is no longer over the limit – her job means she has to drive around a lot.

Anyway she said she went there, snogged her ex and slept naked in the bed with her kissing but that that is all that happened, she swears it’s the truth. She also admitted to taking her ex to a bar that night and kissing her the next morning.

She begged for forgiveness and claims that we can work through this. I am trying to make it work, the last thing I want is to have to move back home with my mother with nothing but a bag of clothes to show for my marriage. But I am scared that I am pushing her away because I am asking so many questions all of the time. I don’t know what to do to make any of this better.

Can this work?

So, you were both drinkiong. Apropos of nothing your wife decides to call her ex of ten years ago, drive over there, snog them and sleep with them, and you can get through this?

Hmm. Are you going to share the back story because this isn't the behaviour of a normal person. What secret had you revealed to her before she went spare?

Why can't your friend sign up to mumsnet?

Aside from that, I'd have difficulty believing that someone who drove drunk to see their ex would sleep in a bed with them but wouldn't fuck them. I also question why she would need this "closure". And you, rather than saying "Excuse me wife I am sat right here listening to your flirting maybe you should end this call", just drank so much that you passed out?

I'm having difficulty believing some of the "facts" of this story.

Not sure why it was for you to 'allow' your wife to call her ex?

She has form for being aggressive I think is what you're saying, but appeared to have got that under control in more recent years.

Some of the signs suggest there's been an affair going on for a while, and the drunk driving/staying over incident was not the start of it.

In terms of the infidelity, you are entitled to ask all the questions you want. Is she giving you the impression that you should not?

Weirdly I find the drunk driving more unforgivable. Cheating on you is one thing but she could have killed people. Sounds like you could both use some time apart and off the bottle, to be honest.

I couldn't forgive this.
It's not even like she tried to hide it.
She flirted with her in front of you and then went off for 'closure' (that's a new word for shag I've not seen before)
But you are you and only you know if you could forgive this.
I'm sure if your mum knew the facts she would want you back to help you to heal if you want to get out.
How old are you both anyway? This is like teenager crap TBH,

hellsbellsmelons - if they were teenagers the "closure" required would have been from an incident in the playground :-)

Closure needed after 10 years, 5 of those married to someone else?
I don't believe this "stands alone" and there must be other stuff going on.

Do you both want to be together now? Why all this talk of ex'es from so long ago.