Attention MiL!!!

[startrek90]

I am married and have a 6 month old DS. Atm we are living about 1 hour round trip away from DH family (I live abroad from mine). Very soon we are moving to a flat that is 5 doors down from my inlaws. I get on with DH parents, though I think sometimes they find me very 'british' ie. stand offish and reserved (I don't think so!)

I am suffering some PND and am very lonely in this country as I have no friends and cant speak the language well. Having DS has made the situation worse. The whole idea of our move is that we can be closer to DH parents, in particular MiL.

Now my MiL is great, very close to all her children. She loves SiL DS and adores mine. She was there at DS birth (fairly traumatic and was a great support to DH and looked after DS for his first few hours) and she has already said she is excited about our future move. She has made plans about helping with DS and coming to give me assistance.

Heres my problem, I am very wary about screwing this relationship up, or relying to much on MiL help. I don't want to take advantage or feel too crowded. So I am asking all of those DM and DMiL what is acceptable boundries? What would make you feel included and how do I deal with any problems without damaging this relationship. I don'T wnat to be a source of tension in my DH family (like BiL).

I am not used to family closeness (my own family isn't close) or feel the need to see everyone everyday. I don't think this is making much sense.... basically how do I be a good DiL?

You sound very thoughtful. Why don't you have a conversation with her, saying all that you've posted? This will have the added advantage of getting her to think about your boundaries.

From your attitude, I think the move will work out well.

Absolutely. Have a good chat with her and say all of that. Then you can both be sure it will work well for you.

You're going to be fine, sounds like you have a good base with your MIL. I think being open from the start is the right way to go, as pp said. Most people are pretty sane and will not take it the wrong way. I get the impression you're lonely. Maybe MIL can help introduce you to the neighborhood and other new mums.

I am afraid MiL doesn't speak enlish and as I say my language skills aren't good yet. When we spend time together it can be really awkward.

I just don't want to alienate her from my DH and DS. I have read quite a lot of threads on MN where MiL are excluded from their sons and grandchildrens lives....I don't want to do that to her (however inadvertantly) and I really don't want that happening to me! I guess I want to just be a good facilitating DiL...what do you feel is the right amount of contact? What sort of things would make you feel left out?

OK.... let her teach you her language then - actively, not just as and when... let her hawk you round her friends, let them all join in your education.

It is how my mum learned to speak Spanish in her 60s. She just let the bossy woman next door take control

Relax and enjoy it, might be the only useful advice !!

When my mum moved in a few doors down we were really pleased, but I set down the following 'boundaries'.

1. Even though she had a key, I asked her to knock and not just walk in.
2. If it came to a meal time and she had not been invited to stay, she should realise it's time to go home.
3. She was not welcome to drop in we had other visitors (I had a feeling that every time she saw a car outside she would decide to visit).

She has been fantastic and respected our wishes and we have not had a single cross word. So I suggest you think about what you need and have an honest chat with your PILs - you will probably laugh at my boundaries, but think about your own. If there is good will on both sides you can manage this without upsetting anyone.