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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did we split for the wrong reasons?

19 replies

Confusedcomma · 20/03/2015 14:27

A few months ago I ended my relationship and I'm beginning to wonder if I made a mistake, ex would love to sort it out I know that but what I can't figure out is do I really want him and the relationship or am I just looking at the good times and remembering them!

When we split we did for valid reasons and a lot of nasty things were said and there was a lot of influence from my family/friends etc so I don't know if I really ended it because I wanted to or because I was to busy listening to what everyone else was saying, I know for the last year or so of our relationship I wasn't happy and often thought I didn't want to be be with! But I know I take things to heart and I'm wondering if I wasn't fair on him and the relationship and willing to try and work through the bad patch because I was focussing to much on the bad things that were said and not really meant.

But the thought of him going out/dating anyone else and moving on without me feels me with dread!

Are these feeling normal ? How do I figure out if we have a relationship that's actually worth saving?

OP posts:

Fudgeface123 · 20/03/2015 14:40

Why did you split?

pocketsaviour · 20/03/2015 14:44

"I know for the last year or so of our relationship I wasn't happy and often thought I didn't want to be be with! But I know I take things to heart and I'm wondering if I wasn't fair on him and the relationship and willing to try and work through the bad patch because I was focussing to much on the bad things that were said and not really meant. "

Does this mean that you were arguing a lot and he said nasty things during those arguments? Or was he just generally nasty and would then say "Oh I didn't mean it" when pulled up on it?

"But the thought of him going out/dating anyone else and moving on without me feels me with dread!"

This makes me think that it's a bit of a case of "I don't want him, but nobody else can have him"

Quitelikely · 20/03/2015 14:45

What were your reasons for splitting?

Original poster

Confusedcomma · 20/03/2015 14:52

A unplanned pregnancy and mainly because of that we put on hold our previous plan of moving in together so kept very seperate life's/finances, he came around to the pregnancy within a few weeks and we were together for the whole pregnancy but hung on to everything that happened and wonder if I was unfair and was almost waiting for him to fail, because I believed he was only with me because he thought he should do the right thing and not because he loved me and wanted to be!

We also had no sexual relationship since he day I got pregnant and never sorted it after so I felt like he didn't want me

OP posts:

Original poster

Confusedcomma · 20/03/2015 14:55

It was things said in the heat of the moment of a argument I guess!

Totally get what your saying about the I don't want him thing but trying to figure out if that's the case or weather it because I actually do want him, I know I miss him

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 20/03/2015 14:58

So you and he had great plans that were scuppers by pregnancy.

You resented each other massively.

I genuinely think those problems can be overcome.

Original poster

Confusedcomma · 20/03/2015 15:05

I think so to but it's been a very very upsetting few 18 months so we both need to be 100% sure that it's want we want to give it a shot and that's what I'm trying to fugure out!

What questions do I need to ask myself, what do I need to be sure of?

OP posts:

mylifeisgood · 20/03/2015 15:07

But why were your friends and family against him?

pocketsaviour · 20/03/2015 15:07

Does he come round to see the DC? Is he a good dad? Is it all quite amicable between you now?

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 20/03/2015 15:08

Do you want to be with him, or do you want to be with somebody?

Why did your family want you to separate? If you are honest with yourself, did they have a point ?

Original poster

Confusedcomma · 20/03/2015 15:43

It was very messy when I first got pregnant, he said lots of nasty thing that I repeated to my family and I guess they are just looking out for me and dislike him because of the upset it caused!

Yes comes to see dc and generally we are amicable, he has desperately tried to show that he can be the partner/dad I want. We have our moments where we fall out but wonder if it's more to do with the fact we still have strong feelings for each other!

I'm not really interested in meeting anyone else, can't be arsed with it all to be honest so don't think it's a case of just wanting someone.

Yes some of the stuff they did have a point with, at times he behaved awfully but a lot of that was I guess because of the situation we found ourselves in

OP posts:

MiddleAgedandConfused · 20/03/2015 16:46

What would you do differently this time round to make it work - and do you agree about what needs changing? That's the most important question.

Original poster

Confusedcomma · 20/03/2015 17:04

I think we both know where things went wrong! And I think we could both agree with that!

I was thinking maybe rather than throw ourselves back in maybe we should start slow for the next few months, no overnight stays (used to spend every thurs-sun together) maybe just start with the one day a week he cones and sees baby and just start by doing things on this day together as a family, almost like dates but with our baby, just have a nice day and enjoy it, hopefully if we almost start again at the beginning the sex issues will resolve! Just book some things in to look forward to, we already have a wedding invite at the end of April that involves a hotel stay so that would be something to look forward to.

Maybe I'm being stupid even suggesting it but I wS just thinking maybe agreeing to just date for say 3 months and see how we both feel after that

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 20/03/2015 17:24

You have talked a lot about what was said but I always say look at what a man does and how he behaves.

If he didn't cheat, helped with the baby and also was good to you re finances and helping around the house i would say you might be onto something good.

People rarely change, if he was a terror then he will likely revert eventually.

Try not to bring other people into your relationship as you have found out it's not always useful!

Original poster

Confusedcomma · 20/03/2015 18:05

quite some good points there, there was faults he was there when baby was born but wasn't a great help to me in Rhodes weeks after, yes he would cuddle the baby but no support with anything that needed doing and not once helped with baby in the night, in fact he slept in other room! Around the house he has never helped, yes he would cut grass etc but always half a job if you know what I mean even 7/8 months pregnant I done all the decorating. And finances no he isn't great as we don't live together he has never helped out in my house despite him being here 50% of the time.

These are all things I have brought up and I guess helped end the relationship but I never really gave him the chance to put these right.

Also I have one older child and I know the fact DS dad doesn't pay maintenance bothers him greatly and he had a issues with the whole living together supporting that child because of this!

I know he desperately wants to be in a relationship with me and that he does love me, he says that he wants the whole package/the family and that having dd and us spilling has made him realise this!

But as you say can people actually change?

OP posts:

MiddleAgedandConfused · 20/03/2015 23:12

People can change but it usually happens in small steps, not big leaps. Agree small changes in behaviour and when you both achieve them, take a small step closer together. Take it slowly and base all you decisions on real evidence of change, not promises.
It can be done, but be patient and know your deal breakers.

Weebirdie · 20/03/2015 23:20

But the thought of him going out/dating anyone else and moving on without me feels me with dread!

Could this be a situation where you dont really want him but you dont want anyone else to have either.

YouAreMyRain · 20/03/2015 23:41

How long have you been together? Not being happy for a year would be a big deal if the relationship was a two year relationship but not if you'd been together for twenty years. I ended my 16yr relationship/marriage after three years of desperate unhappiness.

Unplanned pregnancies can cause problems, I know I had one! We had been together less than a year when I got very unexpectedly pregnant. For us it was the reason DP moved in! It made it happen faster rather than slower.

The reluctance to support another mans child being greater than his wish to be with you and his own child seems quite odd. In a previous relationship my DP lived with a woman and supported her child from a previous relationship without batting an eyelid. You also say he doesn't contribute financially despite being 50% at yours. Hmm...not good. Is he generous or stingy overall?

You ask if he can change which suggests that you want him to change in order to be with him. I think people's big behaviours ie whether they tend to be quick to judge or open minded, lazy or hardworking, generous or mean etc are part of the personality and difficult to change unless you are very specific with your expectations. The small behaviours are more easily identified and adjusted eg buying groceries or cooking once a week or cleaning the bathroom or not criticising people's appearance etc it depends what you would like to change about him.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 20/03/2015 23:46

I know he desperately wants to be in a relationship with me and that he does love me, he says that he wants the whole package/the family

I bloody bet he wants the whole package. The package where you take care of the baby 100% and he has the odd little cuddle and you do all the housework.

Are you planning to not only do all the existing housework but all the new stuff created by him like: more "proper" meals with the food he likes, you'll have to buy that food of course because he isn't good with finances, do his laundry of course, his washing up, clean his piss off the toilet, remind him to buy his mum a birthday card, maybe buy him new socks...

I like the sound of that package. Can I live with you instead? I won't have sex with you either. I will probably resent your older child and will remind you of it regularly when you get all pre-menstrual and start with your nagging or if you ever suggest I pay towards anything that DS might use, like a sofa or plates or a take-away.

You can complain every now and again if that helps you to feel better. I will say how much I need you, which will be true, and I might do a bit of washing up for a couple of days until you stop being so mental.

I know you'd probably prefer a package where I do 50% of everything and pay 50% too. But really why the fuck would I want that?! That's a shit package. I'll stick with the original package. Like I said, I am totally cool with you having a bit of a moan and shout every now and again. I might sulk for a bit afterwards though until you apologise for being so mean to me.

The whole wife package is so great.

If I were a lazy twat of a man I would definitely want one.

HTH.

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